I dont want to retraumatize myself with this post, so I’m going to be vague in some parts of this post.
Anyway, I, 41m, got a call from my dad, 67m, earlier tonight where he told me that he just got his 1 year chip from AA, and he’s working through his 12 step program and he wants to make amends.
Whike I understand that this is a big achievement for him, I spent my ENTIRE childhood suffering through random beatings because he would get wasted and decide that everything horrible in his life was because I was born. I like to think of myself as being a compassionate person but my compassion ends with him. I spent all of the early 90s black and blue, up until 1995 when I was finally removed from his custody ( my mom died when i was 3) and put into the Arizona foster care system ( which was fucked up in a completely different way). In spite, not despite, of my humble and broken beginnings, I have made something of myself. I am a business owner, I have a beautiful wife and three amazing kids. And up until 2 hours ago I hadn’t spoken to him since I graduated high school in 2002.
When he called me, btws I have no idea how he even found my phone number, the first thing out of his mouth was " I know you have no reason to listen to anything I say, but Im sober and Im thinking about how bad of a dad i was to you",
my first words to him was " Lose my fucking number" he then said " I wanna meet my grandkids"
This is where I may be overreacting, I told him that he will never know his grandkids, and to them I said that my parents are dead. He started crying, which should have stirred something in me but honestly it didnt. Then I said " your sobriety doesnt make up for my childhood, I truly hoped you had drank yourself to death years ago, and just knowing that you’re still alive is proof that God doesn’t exist."
Then I hung up on him. I know that what I said is cold, but I also think that I may have overreacted.
NTA.
He’s working his steps. That’s his responsibility. Making amends does not require you to accept them. Step nine is about taking accountability without causing more harm. If contacting you reopened wounds, that’s on him to sit with.
You were a child who was beaten and blamed for existing. You don’t owe your abuser access to your peace, your forgiveness, or your children. Protecting your kids from someone who hurt you like that isn’t cruel. It’s responsible.
Were your words harsh? Yes. But they came from decades of unprocessed pain. A single year of sobriety does not erase a childhood of abuse.
If you ever decide to process this further, do it for you, not for him. And if you never want contact again, that is a valid boundary.
NTA. You are absolutely correct that him being sober now does not make up for the abuse you suffered as a kid. You are not required to have any contact with him if you don’t want to. It’s ridiculous for him to think otherwise. I’m sorry, OP.
NTA, for sure. Sounds extremely justified and understandable. Sending love to you OP, I’m sorry he decided to have the nerve to randomly pop up and bring back painful memories and feelings
NTA, you owe him nothing. I am happy he is working the steps and trying to get healthy. But it in no way gives him any right to your life. If he is really working the steps he will understand this. And likely made that call knowing generally what you would say.
I will say for your own peace of mind and healing you need to work on forgiving him. You don’t need to tell him, as true forgiveness is not for that person it’s for yourself. Even righteous anger eats at the soul.
From a fellow survivor stay strong and keep making sure your kids have a better life then you did.
NTA.
You don’t owe abusers anything. Sorry for your pain, stay strong, focus on your real family. The one you have now.
NTA. I am a recovered alcoholic through working the steps. 7 years now sober.
If he was honest with himself about the things he did, he should have never called you. Sometimes, our amends look like this: Do NOT contact that person you harmed.
A good sponsor would have advised him not to contact you, especially with a surprise phone call. Step 9 specifically states that you make amends IF it does not cause harm. WE HAVE NO RIGHT TO RE-TRAUMATIZE PEOPLE TO MAKE OURSELVES FEEL BETTER!! Period.
OP, I am very sorry for what you went through.
And I am very sorry he made you re-live it.
Thank you so much for saying this. I haven’t cried in a long time, and my wife is sitting here next to me holding my hand and letting me get it out. It’s good for me to read your words.
NTA
You were absolutely justified to say what you said. His AA steps are his own to make, manage and maybe fail and you have nothing to do with it.
His reaction to the lose the number comment makes me think that he wants access to the grandkids to sooth his own guilt with “I was a bad dad but I am a good grandfather” like a make-over for everything he did.
You weren’t cold and you didn’t overreact. The aduld you are, with kids of your own, protected the last piece of the child you once were. You were powerless back then but now you have to the strength to protect yourself from your abuser.
Good.
NTA
And I’m going to share a quote I read last year that helped me come to terms with some of my own difficult family situations:
“The endpoint of redemption isn’t forgiveness. The point of bettering yourself is to be better. Redemption means you leave behind no more victims—not that your previous ones forgive you.”
You owe him nothing. Not your time, not your compassion, not your forgiveness. People like to say that you have to forgive everyone who has ever wronged you and then say it’s not for them, it’s so you can move on. But you can move on without forgiving someone. After I got the “I’ve changed and I’m sorry” call, I simply blocked them and continued with my life. Someone who wronged you is not owed anything from you. If you want to spend the time and energy to work things out or forgive them or what have you, that’s one thing. But if you simply want to move on with your life and pretend that person doesn’t exist anymore, no one can stop you.
(The quote is actually from a Harry Potter fanfic. It’s a great quote and came from a great moment where someone was apologizing to someone they had wronged, and that person basically said an apology wasn’t enough and they were not forgiven.)
When you think you may have overreacted, stop for a moment and try to think back to that one time where he hurt you so badly that you wondered if NOT being hurt was ever going to be in your future. Think about what he’s owed. Maybe not overreacting after all, eh?
You sound pretty justified in your position in my opinion. It’s telling that he went straight into “I want…”
NTA.
The man doesn’t understand one simple thing – much like you can’t make a broken plate whole again by gluing the pieces together, you can’t unabuse an abused child by saying sorry. He’s reaping exactly what he’s sown.
What kind of monster lashes out at a small kid because life hasn’t turned out the way he wanted? Oh wait, the monster who thinks that those around him aren’t people. Your father still views you as a convenient little accessory to bounce his ego off of.
As someone from AA who also had to do amends: absolutely NTA. I would wager you helped him by showing him what being an adult is like and how you can’t fix everything with words alone. A lot of us come into AA completely emotionally immature (almost like a child). Through actually sticking to your guts, you are helping him by showing him the real world ain’t gunna cater to his every will and desire. Proud of you.
going from “how bad a dad” straight to ” I wanna see my grandkids” is repulsive. that is NOT him wanting to make amends, that is him wanting access so he can feel like a good guy and forget all he did.
bypassing right over all the trauma he caused. I don’t think you overreacted at all.