My friend (20M who we’ll call Alex) has never had a girlfriend before, or even really been close to having one. He’s kind of the odd one out within the friend group since the rest of us either have or at least had a relationship at some point in our lifes. He’s sometimes talked about wanting to get a girlfriend and how he doesn’t understand why he seems to have no chance whilst others do and all of that.
But, I just don’t see a way he’ll ever get one if he continues certain behaviours. For example, we’ve invited him to a lot of parties over the years and he has refused every single invite because he thinks parties are "degenerate" (he’s extremely Catholic), he doesn’t talk to girls because he gets nervous around them and doesn’t try to text girls on instagram because he thinks its embarrasing, and he barely leaves the house, if it weren’t for college and hanging out with us once or twice a month he’d be at home the entire time. My point is that, he sometimes complains how he seemingly has no chance, but thing is he hasn’t even tried.
Thing is the guy has some good traits, he’s smart and a huge, huge history guy, he reads a lot of books and he’s clearly the most cultured man in our friend group. If he just hit the gym a bit more and he actually tried I don’t really think he’d have a problem getting girls, but he just seemed to accept that its "virtually impossible" now since 2 years into college and so far he’s found no luck (but again, he hasn’t really tried so he’s just complaining for no reason).
The other day we were playing some CSGO and after that we got into one of those deep night talks. At some point Alex brought up how fucked up the dating market was and all of that and I told him that he can complain all he wants about men, women, society and how we need to go back to christian values (as he says) but if he continues being like this then he’ll never get a girlfriend. He clearly didn’t like it, and he just went very silent for the rest of the night.
Yesterday another friend who was in the call told me that Alex had told him that it hurt him deeply that I said that and that I basically said to him that he’ll never under any circumstance get a girlfriend (which isn’t true, maybe I didn’t word it correctly). Personally I’m not going to say anything to him until he tells me something because I feel like its a bit low that he tells somebody else that he feels hurt about my words but doesn’t tell me about it, although I guess that if he keeps feeling bad about it I’ll have to talk it out with him. But aita here? Like sure it’s harsh but it’s the truth, complaining won’t get him anywhere if he just keeps behaving like this.
NTA. He sounds a bit sheltered, is he alt right? Like what is he saying about women? He could just be shy and feels like your not validating him (maybe why he didn’t tell you straight up you hurt his feelings.) if he brings relationships up again, I would just not interact with what he’s saying. But up to you ofc.
NAH but if he’s so religious he won’t go to parties, his best option for finding a girlfriend is his church. I thought churches had events for younger congregation? Anywhere else the girls probably aren’t suitable for him.
he has these 2 girl friends he knows from church but hes said multiple times they’re just friends so… idk
I was leaning towards “Your friend needs therapy” before, and this kind of cements it.
He’s out of touch with the world. I’m not talking about his values, I’m talking about his expectations not being realistic. That combined with what sounds like a self-esteem problem, and you have the kinds of behaviors that your friend is exhibiting.
If he’s opposed to actual therapy, he should talk to his priest. As his friend, I think that you need to sit down with him and tell him that you meant what you said in the spirit of helping him, even if he feels it was harsh. He won’t come to you at this point, the whole thing is still a bit too tender.
NAH
I mean low key I’ve never thought of this but ig he might low key need some of that. We can help him out as much as we can but we’re not specialists. One of our friends went through some serious shit a couple years ago and man it was hard to help him and clearly we were too young to really help him out and therapy low key got him right although it took a while. Ig I could tell him about it but I dont know what he’d say about it, thanks for the advice tho.
Perhaps there are some church groups he could join
Oof…those are all talking points copied straight from “manosphere” influencers. No woman wants to put up with a shitty, entitled partner who can’t even see them as a person.
Edit: NTA. He can complain and throw a little tantrum all he wants but if he doesnt work on himself personality-wise then he deserves to be alone.
As long as you specified that him being “like this” meant him never leaving the house and meeting people, NTA. Because, yeah, you’re correct, he can’t meet a girl if he never meets anyone. Does he think the love of his life will apparate into his living room? As an introverted lesbian, I’ve been waiting 25 years for that to happen – no luck so far!
NTA, “extremely conservative” is a massive turnoff and he needed a reality check.
INFO: If he’s going to act like that, why doesn’t he meet girls at church-related events where he can find someone else with a bad attitude to hang with and they can judge everyone together 🙄
NTA You told him what he needed to hear. If he’s going to be an antisocial condescending recluse, he’ll be doing it alone.
ETA “Wants to get a girlfriend” is misogynistic bullsh*t. I do not like your friend.
College girls don’t typically want to date conservatives, especially not conservatives who want to limit reproductive rights the way Catholics do. Maybe your friend should try finding a like-minded girlfriend at church.
NTA
Real Quick – The only reason he cares about returning to “Christian Values” is because then he thinks a woman will more or less be forced to marry him.
The alarm bells just keep ringing louder with every paragraph.
OP, your pal “Alex” is an incel and, worse, a religious extremist incel. The guy is a budding Christofascist. Steer clear.
I’m not even going to give an AH rating – this is just a straight up warning.
This kinda begs the question:
What specifically are his values?
“Christian values” can mean he believes in volunteering or going to services on Sundays and avoiding alcohol.
Or it could mean he believes women who have sex before marriage are w**res and belong at home.
So like…what does he mean when he says that?