I’ve been with my girlfriend just over 4 years. Early in the relationship we both agreed we’d want marriage in the future but an engagement wouldn’t be until around 5 years as we didn’t want to rush anything.
At the beginning of the year my girlfriend mentioned that she’d be expecting me to propose sometime near te first few months of the year and I agreed I likely would be.
Unfortunately in late January my mum was diagnosed with stage four cancer and she passed away two weeks ago. My girlfriend and I were talking about the future and I mentioned that the proposal is likely going to be later than I had planned now due to grief and the fact I want the proposal to be special for both of us and that I want to be able to enjoy the moment.
She was annoyed with this and asked if I was being serious. I told her yeah and she said that I shouldn’t be making excuses and I would propose if I wanted to.
I reminded her again the proposal is for both of us and I wouldn’t enjoy it if it happened soon. She just said again I shouldn’t be pushing things back and should still be planning the proposal.
I called her selfish for acting like the proposal is just for her and disregarding what I’m going through. She said I was being too harsh and shouldn’t be putting our life on hold but I just reiterated the proposal will be later than I had originally planned.
AITA for pushing back plans?
NTA, but are you sure you want to propose to someone who clearly doesn’t care about your grief or feelings?
No you’re NTA. I’m sorry for your loss and im sorry that your partner isn’t offering the support that you need right now – she should understand that a proposal & big celebration is the last thing on your mind right now. Sending you love
Nta. I’m sorry for your loss. Not sure why she also isn’t grieving your mother… she presumably has known her for 4+ years
Plans change. People don’t. She showed you who she really is and how much she really cares. This isn’t some distance relative twice removed, this was your mom. The fact that she can’t understand that shows her what she values. She doesn’t value you, but the status that comes with being engaged and may be expecting a fancy, very expensive ring. Be careful moving forward.
Is this really the person you want to be spending the rest of your life with? Someone who 1) demands to be proposed to and 2) prioritizes said proposal over your feelings when your mother just died?
if someone can’t give you a little time to grieve, that’s a pretty loud preview of married life
She cares more about a proposal than your huge life changing loss.
NTA. Are you sure this is the person you want to marry?
> my mum was diagnosed with stage four cancer and she passed away two weeks ago
\[my girlfriend\] said that I shouldn’t be making excuses and I would propose if I wanted to.
OP – this is abhorrent behavior. I’m so sorry about the loss of your mother. I hope you are doing ok.
This girl is obsessed with marriage. You haven’t listed ages, so I don’t know if it’s immaturity or a desire to finally be married or what. Whatever it is, it’s selfish and shows she only wants a big party where the focus is on her and nobody else.
Take a step back, take some time for yourself, and if she doesn’t pull a 180 on her behavior, I’d be seriously rethinking this relationship. Just for reference, my MIL passed in early January, and everything stopped. My whole focus was on my husband and supporting him. That’s just basic relationship stuff… and she’s not capable of that?
NTA.
It sounds like she wants a proposal more than she wants a partner. NTA
First of all.. my condolences to you and your family. I hope you all have the support and love around you right now. Secondly NTA. But I’m not sure I would ever propose to someone who turned out to be cold hearted enough to expect their joy to come before their partner healing. A parent passing is so hard and crushing to go through. She sounds selfish and immature. Being proposed to should be the last thing on her mind right now. If she’s in this for the long haul, she should be by your side supporting you through this.
So you had already pick out and bought a ring and planned it right? If the answer is no, then it seems like perhaps she gets the feeling you weren’t actually planning on proposing, since, late Jan is very near to the end of the timeframe you said you would propose by, and two weeks ago definitely is past that time.
Of course she should be understanding that you won’t propose right after your mothers death (and I’m sorry for your loss), but I don’t think the issue here is she doesn’t want to wait. It’s she doesn’t believe you are actually serious about proposing. If you can reassure her that you absolutely do want to propose, and you actually do want to propose, then discuss a new timeline and stick to it. So for now NAH.
I agree with you.
I think thats the issue. She doesn’t think OP actually planned for a proposal early this year and now OP is pushing back on planning.
> She just said again I shouldn’t be pushing things back and should still be planning the proposal.
Which is actually wrong, it should be PLANNED already. The ring, the how, blah blah, shes just waiting on the date and I think she’s worried OP hasn’t actually done anything yet.
Five years is a long time to wait to be engaged. So I get where she is coming from about being let down and things being prolonged even longer. In her mind you’ve strung her on for 5 years and now it’ll be another year before the proposal and then another year to plan and coordinate the wedding (estimates). So I get her frustration….
But it’s your mom. Even if she feels that way she’s gotta hold that in and think of a more tactful way to bring it up a few months down the road when you’ve had time to process things.
I’m guessing she’s never been in this situation with someone she truly loved to be able to empathize with the pain you’re dealing with.
How cold she’s being about all of this is very concerning. You may want to think of there are other red flags that you’ve ignored.
This relationship dynamic is so odd to me. I can’t fathom beginning a relationship and setting up a 5 year plan for a proposal.
Do you want to propose now? Does it feel right?
I don’t think I can say a judgement because it’s not an asshole move, it’s a huge, life altering moment that was set up by some arbitrary decision 5 years ago and isn’t taking into account anything that has happened since. .
(My comment got flagged for ai, but I am a real person. The whole world has gone insane)