I (34F) have a friend “Lina” (37F) who tends to get attached to men very fast. I care about her, but I sometimes struggle with how much she centers dating.
A month ago she invited me to spend her birthday together, just us two (her bday was 4 weeks away).
Two weeks later, her mom was hospitalized, and she cancelled some plans we had made that weekend. Totally understandable.
The next day she told me she’d gone on a date with a guy visiting from Portugal. It felt odd timing-wise, but I didn’t say anything.
The day after that, her mom passed away. She immediately flew home for the funeral. Over the next two weeks, she told me she was exhausted but looking forward to coming back, reconnecting, and celebrating her birthday with me as planned.
Then yesterday she told me that the Portugal guy wanted to visit again, and the only day he was available was… her birthday. So she was going to spend it with him instead.
I told her (very calmly) that I was disappointed she was cancelling our plans for a guy, especially after saying she needed support and a hug. She apologized and invited me to hang out with them both, but I said I’d feel weird third-wheeling a date. I offered to see her Friday instead.
She didn’t reply.
Now I’m worried I misjudged the moment and should’ve been more flexible, given her grief.
AITA for saying I was hurt?
NAH. Open and honest communication between friends is a good thing.
NTA
People prioritizing guys that they just met over long friendships are really something else… They’re basically taking you for granted. And it sucks.
NTA I have a friend who does the same shit. It’s annoying. I just stopped reaching out unless she reaches out first. Solved the problem. We def talk less now but it is what it is. I have other friends who don’t put guys first and and our friendships are doing fine
Soft Asshole, If I was you I would ask myself if I truly valued this connection. If you do then great! Having a healthy conversation on how you’re feeling strengthens friendships.
If she has a history of doing this then you can let her know in future hangouts that you’ve missed her and have been craving some one on one time. If it still persist then move on.
The reason I say soft asshole is because while I don’t think you’re in the wrong at all, I think that as her friend you could still go to the hangout that she included you in to show support. While what she did was an asshole move. You can clean your hands by ensuring that she’s supported and then have the convo with her another day.
If you don’t value this connection then move on… simply because you’re wasting everyone’s time by having a convo to someone who you don’t value.
NTA. She has let you down by flaking on you for a guy she’s only just met. He’s visiting from Portugal so it’s not likely to go anywhere, and it’s just a hook up.
She sounds hedonistic, self-centred and disrespectful of other people’s time. I don’t think you are wrong feeling like this. I also suspect this ‘friend’ is probably a frequent drain on your time and energy, doesn’t give much back, and does this a lot.
NAH. You have communicated how you felt and offered a solution. She is grieving the loss of her mother. Cut her some slack and I hope this issue of her ditching you for guys gets fixed in the future <3
It’s a NAH situation.
Yes, I think you should have been more flexible. Since it wasn’t a possibility with the guy.
It is understandable being frustrated after you wanted to give her support and spend time with her. But there are other days and you don’t have to celebrate her birthday *on* her birthday with her. I think YTA (minor).
I agree. The guy is only available one day. They hit it off before. It’s not OP’s birthday. Friend lost her mother unexpectedly. Friend and OP live close enough to reschedule. OP should be more flexible.
Also, and not to be anyone’s weirdo aunt, but: Friend is 37, not 22. Friend may be walking around with a life clock (or not!) looking for a partner intensely and that’s why she is guy centric.
NTA. But realize with Lina your friendship will always take 2nd place to her current love interests. Some women just need so much validation from men that they are willing to sacrifice their other relationships.
If you don’t always want to be just the friend for when she’s in between relationships, I would not put as much energy into maintaining the friendship–she won’t change. Have a back up plan whenever you make plans with her.
NAH I’d give her a pass this time, because grief. I can see how having a weekend with my brain off, that’s just about feeling physically good might be what I want. Exciting new dude from Portugal can be a way to escape her feelings in a way that spending time with a friend wouldn’t.
But this isn’t really about this particular weekend. It sounds like you’ve been feeling unvalued in this relationship for a while. It’s probably time to step back, emotionally. Don’t make her a priority when you’re not a priority for her.
NTA, but you need to realize that when people are grieving, especially a very recent death, they are not capable of thinking rationally.
NAH, I think if she does it frequently your reaction is understandable but I do think if she can see you whenever it’s fair but still upsetting for her to cancel for the one day he was available. I also do think wanting to cut the hurt with love isn’t the craziest thing to do for grief, it’s not healthy but if it helps it helps. I’d also probably just wait until she’s got a clearer head if you’re going to confront her about it.
NAH
I 100% see why you were upset that she cancelled plans with you for a new guy. I think we all have a friend who does this, and it’s annoying and can be hurtful, too.
But try and give her some grace. Her mom just died. And then she immediately had to celebrate her birthday without the person who birthed her still alive. That sounds very painful to me.
If they were close, Lina may be totally in a fog right now. The endorphins from time spent with a new love interest could be very soothing given the major loss she’s suffered. Often, the first few weeks/months of grief feel like a fog and it’s easy to see why she’d want any light she can find. Try to understand and let her have that.
If she doesn’t respond to your text do reach out again, but this time to see if she’s doing okay. Be kind, be forgiving, and be the friend she needs. Everything in life comes in seasons, and hopefully when you hit a season of need she’ll remember this and provide you the same.