A little context, I (18f) and my friend, Mia (18f) have been friends for roughly 5 years now. Mia is in a polyamorous relationship (17m, 20f) , for 5 months.
Ever since the start of their relationship Mia has always said complained about it. Telling me about issues and fights she’d have with their partners. I’d always listen and offer her very general advice, not wanting to overstep, just telling them they should communicate.
Most of my comments are ignored, as Mia absolutely HATES confrontation. Regardless of how upset or sad Mia is she will refuse to bring it up to said person but others instead.
One day as we sat at a coffee shop and talked, I decided to be a little more blunt with my comments. Night’s previous to this I had made sure to educate myself the best I can on the polyamorous community, wanting to be as understanding and respectful as I can.
So after her long rant about her partners I told her in the most gentle and respectful tone I could, that if she truly had issues with her partners it’s her responsibility to be upfront and tell them. I told her that communication is already very important in a monogamous relationship and in a polyamorous one it’s importants doubles with every new relationship (something I had learned in a book so correct me if i’m wrong).
After I spoke she blew up at me, telling me I had no place to say everything I did, that communication wasn’t something she was willing and ready to face, that I was being a bad friend and not supporting her when she needs it most.
I began getting a little emotional as she continued to berate me in the middle of the rather quite cafe and I just said “well you’re not mature enough for a relationship if you can’t communicate, let alone a polygamous one”.
She turned red as she began to tell me off, telling me how my own relationship was going to end, how she was so much better thus getting two partners not just one, and a slurry of more insults.
I go to leave, just wanting to cry in my car and go home as she says something along the lines of “yea well you’re not mature, that’s why your pdf boyfriends with you” (my boyfriend is newly 21 and we met when he was 20 and I, 18 at our school’s library). I made a bee line to my car as I knew some people were definitely looking at us.
A few days passed and I reached out apologize for upsetting her, I was ignored and blocked. Worst of all she had told all of our friends my boyfriend was a pdf and I was a liar. A few of our mutuals knew she was lying and agreed that my conversation with her was a much needed one, while others told me it wasn’t my relationship and I shouldn’t have said anything.
I’m starting to regret my conversation with her, as it wasn’t my relationship and I didn’t know the dynamics and differences within a polyamorous relationship. But I feel a part of what I said was true, relationships don’t work without communication.
So AITA for telling my friend they’re not mature enough for a relationship?
NTA. And she should be your ex-friend.
Holy Hannah this is a heavy post. I’d like to weigh in as someone who has been successfully ENM for 20 years. you are 100% correct. If you cannot communicate you probably are not mature enough for ANY relationship never mind the complex hurdles that are maintaining multiple partners in a respectful way.
ALSO your boyfriend is literally 2 years older than you. Thats a NORMAL AGE GAP and your friend is weird for saying that about your relationship. Hes NOT OLD ENOUGH to groom you and you are not a child.
I think you need to be REAL clear to your friends group that he did NOT prey on a child. Its less than 3 years of an age gap and she is WEIRD for saying he’s a creep.
NTA and ALSO holy crap I’m so sorry. I’m glad you are free from that toxic person tho. Jeebus.
If she cant communicate, she isnt in a relationship. She is a fuck buddy at best, and likely a 3rd wheel. Its up to her to tolerate or not, tell her to stop complaining to you.
She clearly has NO problem with confrontation. As long as youre the one shes confronting.
NTA, abandon ship.
NTA, and I’d forget she was ever a friend. Stop apologizing to her. She’s too immature for a relationship, nevermind one that absolutely require clear and honest communication (poly myself since forever).
NTA. You are correct 100% she IS TO IMMATURE to be in a relationship. Talking to others about problems in your relationship ISNT going to FIX said problems. Talking about them to your partner(s) will. If she can’t understand basic common sense then ditch her and her crazy, you don’t need that drama in your life. Move on in peace knowing you tried to help but she obviously doesn’t want help, just to complain, and that gets annoying after awhile.
>she had told all of our friends my boyfriend was a pdf and I was a liar.
I hope she’s your EX-friend since then, that’s serious.
NTA op, let this friendship die here.
You were right, communication is a key part in any relationship and if she can’t handle communicating (the bare minimum of maintaining any relationship let alone a romantic one) then she shouldn’t be dating. The more people you add to the relationship just doubles the amount of communication that should be happening.
Also she’s a massive hypocrite. She’s in a relationship with a 20 year old (and that 20 year old is also in a relationship with a minor).
You don’t need friends who can insult you so easily. A real good friendship doesn’t stop the moment you fight. A real friend doesn’t resort to insults and name calling when you disagree with them because even in that moment they still care about you and act on that care.
Just because you once had good memories with her, doesn’t mean you need to stick around to try and force more to happen.
idk it just feels silly to end a 5 year friendship over this. it’s sorta out of my hands now so i guess there’s nothing I can do about it.
I always found the 17 and 20 year old relationship weird… from what I understand they began dating first then added Mia as a 3rd.
Has she been doing anything friends actually do together? Cuz it sounds like she’s just using you as, not even as a free therapist, just a free *object* to complain at.
If you really truly think there’s still something worth salvaging here, give her a break and then come back when you think she might be ready to talk.
But don’t fall into the pit of the sunken cost fallacy. Just because you’ve been doing something for five years doesn’t mean you need to keep doing it if it’s not making you happy anymore.
She’s an immature lunatic and should be anyone else’s problem but yours. Tell the people who she reached out to what really happened, then cut her off. Dont even think twice about her or her life. She made her bed and burnt the bridge, dont go trying to fix anything for her stupid ass. You are worth more than that
lol did she really say communication was not something she was “willing and ready to face”???
NTA. I wouldn’t even try to mend that bridge SHE burned.
Some people are really out there going “I’m NOT mature enough to handle a relationship, and I AM going to make that everyone else’s problem because I deserve to have one anyway.”
If you’re not willing and ready to face running, don’t fucking join a marathon. It’s fine to not join a marathon. No one is forcing you, dumbass.
Don’t join a marathon and then be confused why everyone is expecting you to run.