I’m a 21F and I used to be close with a woman, A (28F). We met years ago when we both worked in a strip club, but I left that job a long time ago. She still works there and has been in the industry for almost ten years.
She’s always been very sensitive, but not in a normal way. She gets offended by literally everything. A lot of the time she acted more like a clingy girlfriend than a friend. She would call me constantly, usually late at night, crying about how nobody wants her or how she didn’t make enough money that day. This wasn’t an occasional thing; it was almost daily.
Meanwhile, I’m in university now and dealing with a lot of stress. I barely even talk to her about my own problems because I don’t want to dump them on her. At one point I even told her I was overwhelmed and on medication because of stress, and she still kept calling me at night. If I didn’t answer because I was studying, busy, or even with someone, she’d get mad and tell me I was a bad friend.
Whenever we traveled with another friend, she would get triggered over the smallest things. If someone disagreed with her even a little bit, she’d shut down, sulk, start a fight, or cry. It felt like her mood controlled the entire trip.
The last situation that pushed me over the edge happened recently. She got mad at someone for basically no reason, and she started screaming and crying. We were both drunk, and I told her, “There’s no point in talking about this right now. Just go to sleep and we’ll talk tomorrow when we’re sober.”
She completely lost it. She said I wasn’t supporting her, that I was a terrible friend, and she started calling me names. The next morning, she didn’t apologize or acknowledge how she acted. She just continued talking about the argument like nothing was wrong, and like I owed her something.
At that point I mentally checked out. I’m tired of being her emotional punching bag and having to tiptoe around her feelings every single day.
So now I’m wondering… was I actually the asshole for telling her to calm down, go to sleep, and refusing to keep feeding into her constant meltdowns?
NTA. You can’t afford to let her drain your energy with all her negativity. It would be wise to lose her as a “friend.”
YWBTA to *yourself* if you continue this “friendship” with a person who *uses* you solely for their emotional regulation.
*She* is the bad friend.
It doesn’t seem like there is any regulation of emotions going on
You’re 100% right that OP WBTA if they continue this relationship
It sounds exhausting
She seems like a textbook narcissist- everything has to be about her, she is never to blame. You have to always deal with her problems, and not only does she not want to hear yours, she makes you feel guilty about even sharing your burdens with her. NTA, she’s a toxic person who is just going to drain you. Move on with your life and leave her in the dust.
No A holes here. I see a likely traumatized person with mental health difficulties (your friend) and a person who is (understandably) sick of putting up with that shit (You). This woman needs mental health treatment, which is not your responsibility. You are not an asshole for refusing to engage with her while she was drunk and dysregulated. You might be an asshole if you continue to tell people who are clearly upset to “Calm down.” This is never a useful strategy as it most often has the opposite effect, especially with someone with this person’s apparent emotional makeup. Go focus on school. I hope your friend can heal, but it may take years.
NTA she sounds exhausting.
I think it’s time to put her on mute.
ESH. Anyone would lose their patience but why hang on to this friendship for this long if she’s been acting like this for years?
So she’s been overwhelming to be around your entire friendship, she starts fights over nothing, calls you names, doesn’t value your time or mental health, and you’re asking if you’re the a-hole for… telling her to go to bed and save a conversation for when everyone’s sober?
Are these ages right? At what age did you start stripping?
Do you need permission to distance yourself from her and move on with your life? People grow apart. It’s ok.
NAH
You’re not her therapist. She needs to hire a therapist, and maybe then she can be a normal friend to someone else. That ship has left with regards to your friendship. I recommend you distance yourself.
NTA, you do realize you can just…idk….stop hanging out with her?
And also stop drinking with her. Alcohol makes everything worse.
y TA to yourself for not shutting this down earlier. whenever she claims you’re a bad friend, you should’ve called her selfishness, whininess, assholeness.
hope she stays away, and you don’t let her back in your life. whenever she tries to talk to you, just remind her how a bad friend you are.
ESH
So, you are 21 now and worked as a stripper years ago? How old were you then? Math ain’t mathing, don’t you need to be 21 to even enter a strip club?