2 different stories. When I was around 20, I had a group of friends, me(F) and 5 guys. One guy, we will call hime Adam, had a crush on me since school. It was no secret and I was VERY clear that he and I were not going to happen. He accepted that. His crush never seemed to go away but he dated and had some girlfriends.
We hung out every night for years. We were too young to go to bars so we would hang in in parking lots, bowling alleys, and the local pool hall that allowed minors. Every night one of the 5 guys would make a show out of paying for the group. I tried to pay in the beginning. Letting a girl pay was treated as embarrassing to the guys. I stopped trying and accepted their generosity. Sometimes girlfriends, siblings, or acquaintances, would drift in and out of the group but us 6 were strong together for years.
One day I reconnected with and old friend and introduced her and her BFF to the group. We will call her Eve. Eve was a bit of a mess but we were young.
Our group weren’t big drinkers and I didn’t drink at all. Sometimes they would have a party night and I wouldn’t attend. One night they all partied and Adam and Eve hooked up.
Friend group continued as usual with Eve and her BFF joining pretty regularly. On occasion Adam and Eve would hook up. Neither talked about it.
One night I was with Eve and her BFF when she clearly stated that she didn’t like Adam, found him annoying. She wouldn’t even talk to him but "HE PAYS FOR EVERYTHING!" BFF agreed and they both made fun of him.
I was shocked!! I froze. I have spent my life wishing that I had told her off. I always freeze, then think, then act. I spent all night and the next day deciding what to do. I didn’t consult the other guys because I didn’t want to embarrass him. I thought if I told him, it would hurt him and he might be mad at me. If I didn’t tell him, it could hurt him more and I could have stopped it. I decided that had to prioritize his well being over my friendship with him.
I told Adam exactly what happened and that I was sorry for introducing her to him. It killed me to watch him process the information. He was clearly hurt. He just said "Well, I like Eve." I said "OK. I just wanted you to know."
And I was ghosted by my entire friend group. None of them ever spoke to me again. I later heard from mutual acquaintances that they were bad mouthing me, saying I was just leading Adam on and using them to pay for me. I was crushed.
Now at 43, I friends with couple that has been divorced for over a year. Ex-wife has been checking his email and spying on him. (No legitimate reason) I called him and said "Please don’t ask questions but change your email password." He thanked me. I didn’t hide it but now she and her close friends are mad at me and passive aggressive about it.
I feel like I did the right thing but I can’t keep a friend group so AITA?
NTA for telling him to change his password. Though I do hope you asked her why she was doing it in the first place because maybe there was a real reason?
Also, the first story has like, absolutely nothing to do with this. Same situation sure, but doesn’t affect the outcome or reasonings or anything like that.
She talked about it. She just wants to spy and gossip about him. She had been checking his email regularly and only started telling us about it when she found out he was going on a trip with a new woman. She then did a full cyberstalk and even booked an appointment at this women’s place of business over an hour drive away.
If feels the same to me. It feels like I try to be honest and protect people that I care about only to be shunned for it.
They seem similar because you thought you were protecting someone. But this case would be the same if you warned him to change his password and then he never talked to you again and dropped the friendship. But instead she dropped the friendship because she perceives what you are doing as being against her rather than you having a difference of morals.
It’s not uncommon for people to want to only be around other like-minded people. And since she learned that you would “tattle” (in her eyes) on her when she does something morally wrong, she doesn’t want to be friends because she doesn’t want to face consequences.
Sadly it’s something that happens with a lot of friendships as we age. We have to decide if we care more about the friendship or the situation.
For the 20 year olds, that was just immature drama. As for the ex wife and her cronies, why would you care that they are upset. They sound messy and a bit off.
i married into a small town. When a few people who are homegrown start ostracizing someone, the whole town seems to follow. It can get really lonely.
I am sorry to hear that. I guess in the future, don’t talk about others’ business.
I wish all friends were that loyal.