Hi. I wanted to ask mainly because my fiancé is a bit upset at how I handled this and this has given me reason to pause.
I’m getting married in a couple of weeks. As you can imagine the preparations and all have been stressful. My fiance’s younger brother who lives abroad landed on Saturday.
Yesterday when I was discussing seating with my fiancé’s mother, she said she was disappointed at how I hadn’t called or texted to check up on his brother when he had arrived after a long flight. That we’re family now and she had expected I would and she was disturbed by the fact that I didn’t.
Maybe it was the stress of everything, but I said that I didn’t see any need for me to have done so, it wasn’t my responsibility, the only one I was responsible to was my fiance. She said that then why even bother talking and hung up.
Later, my fiancé called me asking for my side of the story, apparently his mom was super upset. I told him everything honestly. He said she shouldn’t have said it, but also that I went to a 100 for no reason, it could have been dealt with cordially, that now he’s the one who has to handle this over all the other stress. I reiterated my point, and I didn’t apologize (which I’m considering at least to him, for the mess) and he maintained that I should’ve considered the position this would put him in, that I just had to be cordial for two weeks and I couldn’t. We ended the call soon after.
AITA? In general but more importantly with respect to my fiance for putting him in this position?
NTA. Are you a woman? You need to shut down that “you have all the emotional responsibilities” right now. If anyone needed to call about the little brother, it was your fiance.
Yeah NTA. This sounds a whole lot like MIL and fiance are both expecting OP to do most if not all of the mental and emotional workload of keeping the family running while fiance gets to float by on the benefits and MIL gets to criticize OP every time her baby is expected to pull his own weight.
Seriously, OP, this sounds like a pretty big red flag and I would hold off on marrying him until he can prove for a sustained length of time that he’s not going to just throw you under the bus every time his mom says “no, my baby doesn’t need to do X”. If you decide to have kids, is he going to be an active parent or will MIL convince him that he doesn’t need to do anything as long as he is physically present at least once a day? What about house chores? Will MIL throw a fit if her baby does his own laundry or has to vacuum? Or if OP gets the better-paying job and MIL finds out, will she then go screaming to her son that he’s being emasculated and that OP should quit or get a lesser job to make him feel better?
I’m not saying that the relationship is irredeemable, but this is something that needs to be discussed and might require counseling before the two of you tie the knot.
You have a fiance problem. He needs to grow a backboneand deal with his mama. Nta because its NOT your responsibility to hold baby brothers hand
Lemme just make sure I understand this correctly- your future MIL is upset at YOU because you didn’t welcome home your fiancé’s younger brother after a long flight?
Wow. LOL NTA. I’m a little concerned for your future with this woman. This is not a “mess” and this certainly didn’t go from 0-100. Where is the 100?
I personally would say something to the effect of “I’m so sorry that my wedding plans have really taken over my brain! I guess I just assumed with the amount of family here that someone else could’ve checked in on him considering I’m running around like a crazy person! I can’t wait to see him at the wedding and look forward to hearing about his travels!” and then I’d just stop talking… what a WEIRD thing to be so upset about! I would definitely have your fiancé Nip that shit in the bud like NOW.
NTA. Why is anybody checking on a grown adult?
MIL Is telling you that you are now responsible for the mental load of your fiance and his relationship with everyone he’s ever met. Do not allow that to become your truth.
He’s expecting you to keep the peace and keep your mouth shut and make mother-in-law happy. Also, do not accept this as your future truth.
NTA You did not make the mess he and his mother did
He should have checked on his brother. She should not have asked you about it.
I honestly don’t understand what answer he expected to give that was honest and would not cause her to overreact.
NTA Is the brother her golden child? How dare you worry about your wedding and not how her son felt after his flight!!
NTA. Also your fiance is not having your back. This is his brother, if anyone should have checked up on lil brother then that should have been him. MIL is having very weird demands of you and is now throwing a tantrum over it too. Your partner needs to shut this shit down right now or the future will be a wild ride. I would not want to be in for this without knowing my husband is in my corner always.
Good luck with your future MIL because you’re going to need it. I guess your fiancé is a package deal with his brother
NTA. Did the BIL check in with you and/or your fiancé to say he landed safely?
Why wouldn’t your fiance be the one to check on his own brother? She thinks you are supposed to handle everything because you are a woman? Even something that is just greeting her husband’s brother?
Your MIL is being ridiculous. NTA.
NTA. Can’t even really make a comment. Checking on younger brother isn’t your job. If you are super close friends with him I could see HIM being miffed you did not call but MIL? Why she is getting upset about this makes no sense whatsoever.
NTA and this is a taste of a small problem that is going to become a big one once you are married. Your fiancé doesn’t have your back.
The MIL had no right to place that expectation on you. 1) it’s unreasonable, you aren’t even officially family yet 2) are you magically supposed to know what your responsibilities are in her mind
But, it’s irrelevant. Your fiancé should have YOUR back when it comes to family matters. If he’s going to bow to family pressure? Expect things like this to happen on the regular because the MIL will feel emboldened.
You set a healthy boundary in your conversation saying it wasn’t your responsibility and your fiancé is upset. Why?
Why isn’t he upset with his Mom for ending the phone conversation rudely or for expecting you to just know you had to check in with the brother?
This is sending a big message. I hope he gets that. MIL certainly will.
So nta. But why didnt THE MOTHER OF THE BROTHER check on him?