My partner, Olive, (22NB) and I (23M) were hanging out with my friends, Jack, John, and Kyle (all 23M) yesterday afternoon at John’s place to hang out with Kyle since he was just visiting Jack from the east coast.
While we’re all chatting, Jack and Kyle brought up a last minute trip that Jack scheduled to visit Kyle next weekend, and Kyle suggested that John, Olive, and I tag along. I originally shrugged off the suggestion, as Kyle was drunk and I’m not as close to Kyle as I am Jack and John. However, not only was Jack, who afaik was sober, super on board with this idea from the getgo, but he was sharing details of his itinerary to all three of us and even took Olive’s phone to show them how to look up the specific airport code that he was arriving at. Even when all three of us had mentioned one conflict or another, Jack and Kyle were also brainstorming with all of us on how to work around our conflicts, as if they were trying to pressure us to come anyways. I want to emphasize that it genuinely seemed that both Jack and Kyle really wanted all of us to tag along, rather than just inviting us out of politeness. John ended up booking his flights in front of us, while Olive and I found something that we intented to book once we were home and had even told Kyle that we’d follow up with him when we were ready to book everything.
4-5 hours later, Olive and I are heading home from an unrelated event when I get a text from Jack disinviting Olive and me from the trip without any reason behind it, while it’s radio silence from Kyle. While thankfully we hadn’t booked anything, we’re both really upset and shocked over the sudden 180 shift, considering Jack’s attitude earlier. I respond with a direct message letting him know that we didn’t book anything, but also asking him what caused this seemingly out-of-nowhere switchup he has still not responded to to this day.
While I intend to voice my genuine feelings over his selfish behavior in a follow-up text, I’ll also be the first to admit that I have a tendency to fight fire with fire and want to teach him a lesson on respecting people’s schedules and thinking before actively inviting someone on something as commitment-heavy as a trip. Olive’s birthday is in a couple weeks and had invited Jack, along with some of our other close mutual friends to their party. I mentioned the idea of Olive disinviting Jack in passing, but they called the idea too hasty even though they agreed that Jack is on thin ice. I don’t intend on fully burning bridges with Jack, but I also don’t want to see him at Olive’s party unless he apologizes to both of us and I also think Olive is being too kind to Jack, considering he also screwed them over with this switch-up and he’s ultimately my friend and not Olive’s.
WIBTA for pressuring Olive to disinvite Jack from their birthday party unless Jack apologizes?
EDIT: I’ve been seeing a couple comments already calling me TA which fair enough, but please don’t misgender my partner by using she/her or calling them my girlfriend, even if you’re siding only with them. They’re my partner and they use they/them pronouns. Thanks for understanding!
You would be the asshole if you pressue them when they already said no. It is their party. They make the rules about who comes. Do not put them in a tight spot where they feel like they have to listen to you.
[deleted]
Oops. Will fix that
YWBTA – If you want to respond to inconsiderate behavior in kind, rather than communicating your displeasure, setting boundaries going forward, and reevaluating friendships if necessary, go ahead. If Olive wants to do this of their own volition, so be it. But pressuring your partner to do it in on your behalf makes you more of TA than your inconsiderate friends.
YWBTA
Its Olive’s party, not your revenge fest. They have already rejected your idea. You need to accept their choice. They are allowed to invite who they wish and you should be as pleasant and civil as possible.
Yes. You would be. It is not your party and I don’t care if you knew Jack before Olive. Neither should you, for that matter. While I understand you being annoyed with him, pressuring your partner is not the way to handle it. You can tell Olive, sure. But let Olive decide who comes to their party without you pushing hard for them to do something they may not be comfortable with.
YWBTA mainly because Jack hasn’t given a response yet and it’s only been a day since this all went down. There is the possibility that there is a very legitimate reason why it’s no longer feasible for you and Olive to go on the trip, so I wouldn’t make judgments until Jack gets to give an explanation. As it stands, this could be a misunderstanding and if Olive still wants to invite him to their birthday, you should respect that.
YWBTA It’s Olive’s party, it’s their choice who they invite. They’re your partner and honestly one of the holy grails of romantic relationships is when your partner and your friends all get along and like each other. I say this having been married 5 years and with my spouse for 7+ years.
Expressing your feelings and explaining/knowing the reason for wanting to disinvite them is great self awareness, but I do feel FORCING an apology from your friend as well as pressuring your partner would make you the asshole.
However, I do feel if the friend comes to your partners birthday party, it shows they care about the friendship enough to be there so that could be a good time to address the issue face to face before it gets bigger than it actually is and the need for punishing them gets more extreme. That way you can get the answers you deserve and stay respectful of others boundaries too.
YWBTA. It’s not your party. So you don’t get to decide the guest list. Don’t like it, oh well.