I (23M) have been dating my girlfriend (23F) for 4 years. We’re both christians, but to different degrees of devotion. If I had to put it on a scale, when we first started dating I was a 5 while she was a 7.
Two years ago, she joined a church youth group. I had no issue with it, needless to say. But with time her behavior changed. She was still about the same, but her devotion went up to a solid 9. A bit too much for me, but she wasn’t being overbearing about it, so I didn’t mind.
Things took another turn this year. She attended one of her church group’s activities, apparently an important one done yearly. No clue what it entailed. Not because I didn’t care about knowing, but because ever since attending she’s been very secretive about it. Whenever I asked about it, she said she couldn’t tell me since I hadn’t experienced it yet. Even walked away when the group sent whatsapp messages as I wasn’t allowed to see them.
The level of secretiveness really rubbed me the wrong way. The fact that it was treated like highly-classified information left a sour taste on my mouth. It felt bordeline creepy and cult-ish.
From time to time, very insistently, she’d invite me to the activity. I avoided giving a straight answer. I didn’t like the group, it was expensive, time-consuming, and it wasn’t my thing overall. I never did say ‘no’ outright, in fear of hurting her. Although I disliked how often she implied I was believing "in the wrong way" and that she hoped "God would bloom in my heart and move me to attend" one day.
Today, we had our 4th year anniversary. While we were eating some pasta at a restaurant, she began. "You know, I need to talk to you about it, I just don’t want you to get annoyed." Something in my bones tingled, I knew exactly what it was about.
I told her I already knew what it was about, and that I wasn’t angry, so she should just come out and say it. After a bit, she told me how she wished that before we reached the age where we would be beyond what the youth church group allowed, she hoped, as it was very important, that I went at least once to her group’s special activity. She wished to be able to speak to me about the topic but she group ‘didn’t allow her to’.
The "didn’t allow her to" triggered my "this is a cult and a half" senses. So I told her what I thought. I said that everyone lives their faith in different ways, and that in my case, I frankly really disliked her church youth group, that the secretiveness was really off-putting, and that I don’t think I’ll be going to the activity any time soon as long as it remains like that.
In response, she kinda shut down a little, saying "Okay." After a bit, she continued talking about other topics seemingly like normal, but I could tell that what I said still bothered her. I’m starting to think that there’s a chance I went about it the wrong way.
AITA for telling her there was a good chance I’d never attend anything related to her chuch group?
Secretive and expensive – I think your thoughts about it being a cult are spot on.
I’d be starting to get more forthright about why you don’t want to go.