I (29F) have auDHD. I was diagnosed when I was an adult, and decided to never disclose it to anyone, not even my parents. I originally went because I thought I had ADHD but ended up with the AuDHD diagnosis. I never felt the need to talk about it, since everyone I know knows me for quite some time and when I meet new people, I just tell them I’m peculiar, does not do well with people and to tell me if there is anything I do wrong as I might not notice. Of course, i’m pretty sure my close friends knows about me being autistic because of my behaviour, but I never told anyone. Never had any issues with the people I met too at work, when there is something bugging them, they tell me and I correct the situation. I have a new boyfriend (31M), and it seems my usual “tell me if I say/do something that hurts you or you don’t like because I might not realize” didn’t work with him. We got into an argument because I said something that hurt his feelings and didn’t notice. All day he was distant, I asked multiple times if there was something wrong and he told me no. Then, in the evening, I got really anxious and kinda mad since I could feel him being cold with me. He finally told me that if I didn’t know what I could’ve said that hurt him it was a problem and that I was being a snob and always correcting him and it pissed him off. I asked him why he didn’t tell me then, that I asked him to do so and he said he shouldn’t have to tell me, I should just know. I couldn’t make him understand that it wasn’t because I am mean or because I don’t care about him, just that I literally DON’T know, and felt obligated to tell him about my AuDHD. He then told me I should’ve told him since the beginning, that know it made more sense and he understood why I acted certain ways. Since it’s never been an issue before (I had other long term relationships) and I don’t like talking about my diagnosis, I didn’t think it could be such a big deal. But AITAH for not telling him before ?
YTA. I think you should definitely be telling your partner about your diagnosis. I understand not telling him on the first date, but you’re not starting things off on the right foot by keeping that from him. I’d also tell my family but that’s just me.
He said that you should “just know” these social behaviors like a neurotypical person. Which isn’t fair. But you’re expecting him to “just know” that you’re peculiar and be okay with it when you’re rude?
YTA. If you want special treatment you need to explain why you need special treatment.
YTA but mostly to yourself.
Of course I can understand not telling an employer or not broadcasting it on social media.
But nobody can be educated about this (and behave appropriately!) if they have no idea. So OBVIOUSLY if your diagnosis means you are going to behave differently than what you BF might expect, it would be better, for your relationship and your own safety, that the person in front of you (so, the BF) is aware of how you might do/react to things.
If you would have disclosed this early on and explained to him how it affects your communication style, he would have had a fighting chance to meet you halfway. You have a frontal disorder (I do as well) that makes it difficult for you process information the way most people do. If he doesn’t know that, he cannot make the allowances you may need or adjust his communication style to help you hear him. You presented it as a personality thing, which implies that you *prefer* a style of communication. You don’t prefer it; you need it. And he doesn’t fully understand this because you didn’t tell him.
The reason he is annoyed is that you chose to disclose the information when you were on the losing side of an argument. This is a bit unfair to him. You were spiraling out, and you whipped this out as a last-ditch strategy to force him to see things your way.
So, yes, YTA. Give people the opportunity to meet you where you are. This means transparency upfront. Don’t wait until the situation escalates and throw the diagnosis out there to shut him down.
**Soft** YTA – not everyone is capable of handling neurodivergent people *and that is absolutely fine*, but that is where being open and honest actually is a good idea. I’m in the same boat there having issues that not everyone can handle. Sure I mainly get along well, but I still give people the opportunity to back out by laying all cards on the table and giving a broad idea of what I come with. In your case it now backfired a bit by not being open about it. That doesn’t mean you have to tell everyone about it or even anyone for that matter -your diagnose, your decision- but you for sure cannot expect people to understand you without knowing what they are dealing with.
On a personal note: you got a label, as we say “the child got a name”, but nothing changed. You are still you. Just because you got a name for how your brain works doesn’t mean anything about you changed. Your diagnose isn’t something you have to hide.
as a fellow auDHD, YTA
yes, it’s your choice to tell someone about your diagnosis, but I think it’s odd to keep it hidden from a partner. AuDHD stringly impacts relationships. It affects the way you feel emotions and communicate. It causes you to have specific needs regarding communication FROM the other person. You expect him to act a certain way without actually explaining why do you need it this way. That’s not very fair of you.
Also, what did you do after getting the diagnosis? Are you on medication, do you go to therapy? Are you working on managing your symptoms? Asking people to accommodate your needs is one thing. But if you want to build lasting relationships, you have to work on yourself too, and be open about your limitations.
I can’t imagine not telling my boyfriend why I operate and communicate like I do – how can he properly adjust his actions, if he’s lacking a key information? People need to understand why you’re asking something of them.
Just a personal opinion but I think all relevant medical history should be discussed before entering an exclusive relationship. I suppose it depends on the end goal a bit as well. Do you see this person as an equal and long term partner ? Not telling them is toxic and sets the tone of a self centered and controlling relationship. If you can’t be vulnerable and honest with your partner then why be with them? If a partner didn’t trust or communicate A really important part of their life I would seriously would think the relationship. Again, all of this is subjective, but it sounds like you’re setting yourself and the relationship up to fail by not communicating. But it also takes away your partners autonomy but not giving them the entire picture before deciding to date you.
NAH. It’s your choice not to disclose but it’s also reasonable that he then expected neurotypical insights from you, and might feel hurt that you didn’t tell him something significant about yourself that also affects the relationship. (Because it affects how you behave towards each other and what you expect from each other.)
I can understand not wanting to disclose if you don’t want people to treat you differently. But you do want people to treat you differently: you’re asking for very explicit explanations of things and for people to not be hurt when you do / don’t do things that would be hurtful behaviour from most neurotypical people. So you’re asking for that but also withholding the info that would make it comprehensible to them.
I’m curious why you don’t want to use the label or diagnosis, when you’re happy to ask for people to adjust their behaviour and expectations for you. Are there extra bits of the label or diagnosis that you don’t want to be associated with?
For having autistic friends very open about their neurodivergence, I don’t understand why you would be in a committed relationship and not say it to your partner. How can you efficiently communicate with each other when you don’t share that piece of yourself. You ask others to be clear with you but you are not clear with them at all. YTA
And Redditors putting all the blame on him when he CAN‘T know how to react because of your « secret » are wild !
“Tell me if I say or do something that hurts you or that you don’t like because I might not realize it” is enough for acquaintances, but not for those you live with.
“I couldn’t make him understand that it wasn’t because I was mean or because I didn’t care, but that I literally DON’T know.” And how do you expect him to understand that without knowing that your brain is wired differently than usual?
“And I don’t like to talk about my diagnosis; I didn’t think it could be so important.”
Do you really think that hiding something so basic to communication and understanding with your partner is unnecessary, unimportant? If you thought that, you were wrong.
It’s not necessary to tell a mere acquaintance, in a casual relationship, but for a relationship with the idea of permanence and true communication and intimacy, it’s important.If in this you are AITAH
ESH. you both are terrible at communication. you cannot just tell him to tell you stuff and think that’s enough for communication. safety and openness is something you need to actively foster. and for him, he does need to speak up, there is no such thing as “you should just know”, nobody is a mind reader.
i told my partner about my auDHD very early on because a LOT of my behavior can be seen as asshole behaviour unless you understand my condition. it would be insane for her and horrible for me if she had expectations of me as if i’m NT. I totally get not disclosing it for people you aren’t close with, but for an SO?? that is exactly how you end up fighting and misunderstanding a lot needlessly.
as a couple you need to both be on the same page and it’s no good if he believes you are an NT and doesn’t adapt to your ND needs.
YTA. I’m autistic and I’m baffled at the idea of being in a relationship with someone for longer than like, a month, without telling them.
You are setting the pair of you up for failure. My autism effects every part of my life, sometimes in ways I don’t realise, and it will be something that a partner needs to understand so we can face things as a team. He cannot accommodate for you without knowing that you need to be accommodated.
It also would likely feel to him like you kept this a secret and then whipped it out as a “gotcha” when you were arguing. That will not have improved things.