I’m an experienced chess player, playing this game for as long as I can remember, probably since I was 4 or 5 years old. My extended family loved chess, so I grew up in an environment where I could very easily learn and practice it. My current rating is 1950+.
My girlfriend is at a lower intermediate level. She learned chess from me during the lockdown, but then took a long break. She started playing regularly a couple of months ago. She mostly plays online against opponents at her level, but she plays with me almost daily on a physical board. The problem (for her) is, I always win.
When she was a beginner, I used to give her wins and tips to help her build the concepts, but now I don’t do that. I believe she should play fairly now, and chess is a game that requires focus, time, and mental effort. Playing it just to give away wins seems too much.
However, she gets mildly annoyed. Yesterday, when I was clearly winning, she flipped the board in anger. It wasn’t as a joke, she was serious. This really pissed me, felt disrespected. So I boldly told her to better stick to online play until she starts accepting losses like an adult ad handles the game maturely
AITA she got upset
NTA. She’s behaving like a child.
ESH. I get making it enjoyable for you too, but whats the endgame here? She’s somehow gonna get as good as you? You’ve been playing for decades. I just think its so fundamentally foolish for y’all to play period knowing your gonna win every time.
NTA, she’s being extremely childish. Nothing wrong with bring frustrated when losing, I’d argue it’s natural, but flipping the board is something I’d expect from my little cousins, not an adult
You’re clearly not playing her for your own benefit. She’s not advanced enough to seriously challenge you.
My suggestion would be to go back to coaching and teaching her when you play together. Explain your moves. Gently explain to her when she makes mistakes and suggest better moves.
It will be something you can do together that could be very fun if you both approach it the right way. Rewarding for you, because you should see real improvement. Who knows, maybe she’ll get to the point where she can really challenge you and win occasionally. Rewarding for her because she’ll feel supported by you.
You’re NTA and you’re right, she does need to learn how to lose gracefully. But I think you’re missing a real opportunity to share your love of the game with someone you love.
NTA.
But for the sake of your relationship work out whether she is frustrated to lose or frustrated that she isn’t improving. Because with your rating, she won’t win against you for quite some time and if she measures her improvements against that then she will get very frustrated very quickly, because she sees no progress.
Flipping the board was an AH move. But if she flipped it because she is frustrated with herself and not because she is mad that she lost, then it might be good for your relationship if you find a better way to play chess. And I don’t mean let her win, but rather practice openings, give feedback, explain your strategies so she learns and so on
ESH. She shouldn’t be flipping boards in frustration. You shouldn’t be so patronizing.
Ok, so she is clearly acting like a petulant child.
I have no clue about chess ratings but I am assuming that she has no chance of winning against you. So, chess used to be a fun bonding experience for both of you when she first learnt. You helped her out and gave her a few wins. Now, you have unilaterally decided it’s a competition and she clearly can’t compete on your level. Her getting frustrated is not exactly surprising.
INFO: Is she the one who insists on playing with you, or are you?
INFO: I am tempted to say ESH, but what is her ELO? If it’s below 1500-1600, you probably should not be playing, or at the very least play 960 (with a randomized back row to take away an advantage from studying openings)
For reference, for non-chess players, 1900+ is a very high ELO (best 1% on chess dot com)
The point of ELO is to set up fair games among similarly-skilled players. She shouldn’t be throwing a tantrum, but also not cool to say things like “better stick to online” and “accept losses like an adult” to someone with a much lower skill level
“Better stick to online” is chess shit talk it seems. It’s similar to what someone would tell me at the end of a bad pvp game 😭
This just doesn’t sound like fun for either one of you. Either play with her in a way that’s fun for both of you or have a discussion that this isn’t a good activity for your relationship.
This is it⬆️⬆️⬆️. I’m one of those people who isn’t good at any game. Because of that, I just don’t play games with my significant other. Repeatedly losing brings out feelings of inferiority that slop over into other unrelated areas of our relationship. Immature? Probably but steering clear of games is what works for me.
INFO: why aren’t you playing her with a handicap? Is she insisting on playing on level ground, are you refusing to use one, or have neither of you considered this solution?
My husband taught my daughter chess. He *always* plays his hardest, but he handicaps himself by taking pieces off the board. When she was very small, he only had a few pieces. Every time she starts winning, he adds another piece. She’s 11 now and he plays with every piece but the queen.
It’s not fun to get completely destroyed every time you play a game. Learning how to lose *is* also important. However, you guys have played *a lot* of chess and she loses every game. *Obviously* she knows how to lose.
It’s reasonable to have a boundary that if she throws a tantrum you aren’t going to play with her. But why can’t you change the game a bit sometimes? There’s a billion variations of chess, including various handicaps. I mean, are you planning to just beat your kid into the ground over and over too? That doesn’t sound fun for *anyone* but you.
ESH