I (22M) have been with my girlfriend (20F) for a while now. She has a darker skin tone and she’s pretty insecure about it. She jokes about it sometimes, but I know it’s something that really gets to her. I love her a lot and I never want to make her feel bad about herself.
A few days ago, we were on a video call and out of nowhere I said, “You’re looking bright today.” I meant it as a compliment because the lighting actually did make her look brighter and I thought she looked cute. But she took it really badly. She said it’s something a guy shouldn’t say to his girlfriend, that she treats me too nicely and that’s why I “have the audacity” to speak to her like that. She said I disrespected her and made her feel small and am too immature to get where she is coming from.
I honestly didn’t mean anything negative at all. Now I’m confused. Is she overreacting or am I actually the asshole for not understanding how sensitive the topic is for her?
Also, another thing: when we hang out with my friends, my girlfriend and my best friend (22M) sometimes have playful fights. SHE usually starts it by pinching him, and he pinches her back the same way. It’s all goofy. But later she tells me I don’t “stand up for her” and that I let people disrespect her… even though she initiates the whole thing.
I’m trying to do everything right but I’m lost. AITA? And how do I fix this? She’s really feeling low about the whole “bright” comment.
Update:
by Bright i meant well lit….and that she was glowing not that her skin is looking white or what not ….and for those who r saying she is just hypersensitive about her skin tone how do i fix that or deal with it ?
NTA…that seems to be a really kind comment and I genuinely can’t imagine where she gets the idea that it was rude.
So, if she is insecure about being dark, and someone compliments her on looking bright, that kind of re-enforces the idea that she’d look better if she wasn’t dark. It’s not a healthy reaction, but it’s an understandable one when you know she has this insecurity.
I very occasionally straighten my hair. It’s a huge change so people are bound to notice. Comments about it looking nice are welcome. People gushing about how amazing it is or saying I should wear it like that more often make me feel like they think my natural hair is ugly. I’m not particularly sensitive about my hair so only the more extreme compliments bother me. OP’s gf is more easily triggered about her skin tone.
The whole play fighting with the best mate thing is totally weird though if she’s starting it and then getting bent out of shape because OP doesn’t stop it.
Neither of you are really TA, just young people getting in young person situations. But you’re still the source of her hurt feelings. I reccomend taking responsibility and apologizing; “I’m so sorry for that comment about how bright you look. I just didn’t think it through, but I should have done bettter. You always look beautiful to me, and that’s why didn’t consider how it might make you feel.” It’s a policy that will serve you well. Don’t try to talk people out of feeling their feelings.
NTA – I was going to suggest to try to find out where her insecurity is coming from and how you could help her feel more safe in social situation but “she treats me too nicely and that’s why I ‘have the audacity’ to speak to her like that”?? Excuse me? Sounds like your GF has some really weird ideas about relationships.
You can still try to understand where she is coming from and if these were words she said in anger and did not mean. But it’s still a red flag you shouldn’t just brush over. You are not the asshole and it’s not something obvious you should just know not to say.
Don’t comment on people’s weight or their skin. It’s ok to say, “you look really cute today,” but saying your skin looks “bright” implies that generally it doesn’t.
Not a great comment. I understand why she was upset.
He didn’t say her skin looked bright. He said she looked bright – as in glowing, vibrant. NTA
Info: you are saying “bright”, but does that mean lighter skinned or well lit?
Edit Based on your edit. If you can try to explain that to your gf, so that. Lay it out flatly, people (especially people with darker skin) generally understand how lighting can really affect visuals. that’s why golden hour is such a big selfie trend
And maybe next time say that she just looks nice rather than why she looks nice. People’s insecurities are something they need to work on themselves but it’s not the easiest thing if people keep commenting on ways to make you look better. Some people have no idea they are even doing it, but if it’s something you are able to avoid, you should
NTA. I don’t read anything negative by that comment. Seems like you were complimenting her and she took it wrong.
She’s just projecting her insecurities on you rn, her colorism and her insecurities. Ask her why she starts pinching him if she doesn’t want to be pinched back. And ask her how it was rude when you genuinely thought her skin was glowing with brightness. NTA at all.
ESH but your girlfriend sucks more, and that’s why you’re confused.
If you know someone is insecure about something, trying to compliment them when the thing they’re insecure about isn’t as present is a really bad idea. It’s liable to make them feel more insecure. They’re likely to either think you’re teasing them about an insecurity, or that you secretly agree with the insecurity.
BUT
Everything else about how your girlfriend is acting is bananas and she absolutely *did* overreact to your mistake. Instead of explaining *anything* she jumped to thinking that she’s “too nice to you”?! She’s telling you that you let people disrespect her when she initiates things?
Those are some red flags.
>my girlfriend and my best friend (22M) sometimes have playful fights. SHE usually starts it by pinching him, and he pinches her back the same way.
I feel like you buried the lede here, friend…I’d be a lot more worried about this than the video call convo.
NTA. You did nothing wrong at all. She’s just insanely insecure and immature. The “audacity” you have to actually give her a compliment. Jesus she sounds like such a PITA. On top of that she started insulting you. Personally, I’d break up with her. The fact that she gets this way over such a small compliment means it’s just the tip of the iceberg. I guarantee she will ruin your life if you stay with her.
NTA. That comment sounds completely innocent. She is just hypersensitive over her skin tone and she immediately equated the word, “bright,” to skin color🤣
NTA – I’m going to say that she took it wrong. I would have taken “bright” as meaning vivacious or chipper, full of energy. Seems from the instances you’ve mentioned, she may tend to easily take offense when none is given. You can’t change her outlook on life to assume disrespect, nor the fact that it’s never her fault. Up to you to decide if this is what you want to live with.