Hi Reddit, this is my first time posting here, but something happened tonight that I can’t stop thinking about.
Tonight, my husband and I went bowling with his family. They’ve never really liked me, though we’ve somewhat made amends over time. I have chronic health issues that often make it difficult for me to go out and do things, but I pushed myself to go because I wanted to be there with my husband.
Out of the ten people there, I was by far the worst bowler. That alone was already embarrassing. What made it worse was that every time I threw a gutter ball, my husband would walk up to me while I was getting ready for my second shot and start giving me advice on how to improve.
I already have a lot of anxiety about bowling and being in large groups, and honestly, I didn’t even want to bowl in the first place. It was supposed to be just for fun, but I ended up feeling humiliated. He kept saying things like, “You’re releasing the ball too early,” “Aim this way,” or “Throw it like this.” Instead of helping, it just made me more nervous and made me perform even worse.
At the beginning of the night, I told him multiple times that his advice wasn’t helping and that it was making me more anxious. His brothers’ wives weren’t doing great either, but they weren’t doing terribly, and it felt like he was embarrassed by how poorly I was doing.
He says he was genuinely trying to help and was just being nice. But I’ve told him many times before that I don’t like being “coached,” especially in front of other people. It keeps happening because he’s usually been drinking and forgets.
When we talked about it afterward, he acted like I was wrong and ungrateful for his help. Now I feel guilty for telling him I didn’t want his advice, especially since it was just a game.
Was I wrong for feeling this way? Should I have just been grateful for the help as he suggested?
NTA, it was a casual outing.
The last time a try-hard was with a bowling group it made me actively bowl worse so that the others with us that didn’t do so well wouldn’t feel inferior to some guy who needed to score high. It’s supposed to be FUN.
I agree! I think what made it harder for me to grasp is that he is not really good at bowling either. He is less than average
NTA
>He says he was genuinely trying to help and was just being nice.
Once someone tells you that your ‘nice’ gesture is not being received well and is making things worse, *you stop.* If you keep doing it, it’s no longer about doing a nice thing for someone – it’s just your own internal need to do the thing, even if other people don’t want it.
NTA
He sounds obnoxious. This is not a “you” problem, he just likes feeling like a big man with all the answers and is sulking that you don’t want to be told what to do like a child.
As for how to approach him, ask him why he wasn’t listening to you. This wasn’t him “being helpful”, this was him overriding your choice. Ask him “What words would you have listened to whn I wanted to figure it out myself? Why is this about you?”
You are NTA unless he is also your bowling coach and you are trying to be a pro bowler. I would feel the exact way as you
“You weren’t ‘genuinely trying to help’ because I *told* you that it wasn’t helping. Which means, you either didn’t care that you were making my evening worse, or you think I’m too stupid to know the difference between someone helping me and someone hurting me. Or worse, that you do this coaching act *on purpose* to keep me off-balance. Regardless, your behavior is utterly unacceptable and I need to see some immediate changes.”
NTA. Your husband is engaging in a classic manipulative tactic of deliberately ignoring your wishes while pretending it is helpful. Furthermore, he doesn’t do this because he “forgets” that you don’t want him to do this and we know that for a fact: if he had forgotten, he would be acting genuinely remorseful now. Instead, he is making *you* feel guilty for *his* bad behavior.
Please read this book (especially since your story makes it clear that this is far from an isolated incident): https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
I will certainly read it! Thank you for the comment <3
NTA he may have been genuinely trying to help rather than being embarrass by you, when I’ve struggled with self-esteem and social anxiety it’s skewed how I see others interacting with me but you have made it clear many times that you don’t want to be coached and that should be enough. Your husband needs to listen to you and not get emotional about it, he was wrong.
NTA- as soon as he starts to walk up make a joke loudly like “sit back down sweetie, I don’t want bowling lessons tonight “ or if he would get embarrassed by “ oh dear, sit down you need to save your energy for tonight “ or “if you don’t let me have fun bowling you won’t have fun tonight. “ my husband would never get back up lol
NTA and also I hate bowling so much because of this kind of stuff. I now just say no thanks anytime I’m invited.
NTA- once you told him his “coaching” wasn’t helping, he should have stopped.
Is he an actual bowler bc if not it’s just obnoxious mansplaining
NTA
You need another talk with him.
Ask him if he thinks you are competent enough to know your own preferences, or if he thinks that he is somehow the adult to you being a child who needs to be told what is ‘nice’ and what isn’t. Does he think that you are some extension of himself that feels and sees everything the way he does? (or at least SHOULD feel and see everything exactly as he does?)
Does he not understand that you – a thinking and feeling adult human being – has the right and the autonomy to say, “I do not like this. I do not want this.”? And that his job – especially as your partner – is not to decide that you are wrong about what you want or like. His job is to RESPECT you and take you at your word about what you prefer.
You were not looking for an effing bowling lesson. You were trying to enjoy time with him and have a positive experience with his family. THAT was YOUR priority. Maybe his was that you didn’t embarrass him as a bowler; maybe it was that HE looked capable and superior and patient with his inept wife. There was and is nothing “nice” about him making you feel MORE self-conscious and MORE anxious than you already did. N.O.T.H.I.N.G.
If you want a bowling lesson from him, then on that day you will ask him to go – just the two of you – and have him tell you all his tips and wisdom. That day was not his recent family outing.
He needs to drop his patronizing, self-aggrandizing view of what you need or want and see you as his PEER and PARTNER. If he can’t do that, then it’s time for some counseling.
Maybe hearing you speak up for yourself with confidence (and a little righteous anger at him) will help him take you more seriously.
NTA
Why would anyone be grateful for unwanted help? Especially when you told him it was unwanted.
Unwanted help is annoying. He was being annoying.