Last week I asked if she wanted to go to the movies this week. We agreed on a day a couple days ago, and a time yesterday. This morning, about two hours before the movie’s start time, she decides to go with my dad to do something that will take about two hours. I say we might as well wait until a later showing then, and expressed how much it upsets me when I make plans for us days ahead of time, but then she agrees to do things with Dad that threaten those plans.
I am autistic, which makes last-minute changes harder to deal with. This has happened many times now, so she knows that it makes angry, but continues to do it. The things she decides to do with Dad are non-urgent, could be done some later time, and could be done by Dad alone. Today it was just to cross state lines for lunch and cheaper gas and milk. Dad doesn’t work outside the home and Mom only works part-time, so this isn’t a matter of them having limited opportunities to do these things.
I feel like if you make plans with someone ahead of time, those plans get top priority – not plans you make with someone else at the last minute. I think it’s unfair to make me worry about missing our activity, but Mom thinks "she’s allowed" to do other things on the day of it.
NTA. Even if you weren’t autistic, she’s being inconsiderate. It’s fine not to commit too far in advance if she’s not sure what she and your dad need to do, but in that case it’s common courtesy to explain that, and make plans closer to the time. That sort of flakiness annoys me too.
NTA for feeling that way or (politely) expressing those feelings.
I’m not autistic and this would still bother me immensely.
She’s committed to doing something with someone. They’ve set time aside to do something with her. They’ve planned around it. And then she just goes, “Nah, not important to me, I’m going to do something else and they can just work around me.” That’s incredibly rude.
Something urgent popped up? Sure — no problems, change our plans. I completely understand.
But just deciding on a whim to double book yourself for no particular reason at all? Rude.
I stop making plans with people like that. If you don’t respect my time, I’m not sharing it with you.
Your mom is “allowed” to change places and you’re “allowed” to be upset. Many could be any number greater than three, so it’s hard to say in your situation if it’s worth getting upset about.
NTA, this is so hurtful! She’s “allowed” to do this, but it doesn’t absolve her of the consequences. I would be feeling so unimportant to her if I was in your shoes.
You make plans. You keep to them. Changing them is just rude. She’s wrong not you
NTA my mother is awful for this as well. It made me feel like she was always looking for a better offer, I was the “I don’t have anything better to do” option. It really put a wedge in our relationship and she doesn’t understand why.
NTA
But don’t let it stop you following through with the plans. She’s doing this because there’s no real consequences for her. If you went to the movies without her then your plans haven’t changed and you won’t want to go see the movie again so the plans are cancelled instead of postponed which she doesn’t seem to think is a big deal. Maybe if you stop planning your life around her she might start to understand that she can’t just dismiss you like she has been doing.
NTA – I’d suggest that the next time it happens, you respond with, “Okay. Maybe next time.”
Then go do whatever it is you wanted to do, either with someone else or alone — or just go do something you want to do and don’t schedule or offer to reschedule. That way, she might place a little more importance on her scheduled plans.
Whatever you decide, good luck. Sometimes you can’t change other people – you can only change how you let it affect you.
NTA.
YES you are allowed to tell your parents when something upsets you. That is very much recommended, because that is the only way they will know, right?
And while, YES, your mom is allowed to do more than one thing a day, even a day on which you have plans, she is the AH for making plans that interfere with something she already agreed to do with you. And yes, especially you, since you are autistic and have trouble with last-minute changes.
She went with your Dad for lunch etc. because she “felt like it.” And there’s nothing wrong with that, except that it interfered with your movie plans.
All that said, you believing and me agreeing that she was inconsiderate, does not mean she “can’t do that” or won’t do it again. She can, and she most likely will.
Info: was she actually changing the plans? Or was she saying she was going to do this thing with your dad and still planned to come to the movie, but you just felt she was cutting it too close? Sounds like you’re the one who suggested going to a later showing.
I am not autistic and this would piss me off. NTA
No I hate it as well.
I don’t really hang out with people who flake like this, it’s just the worst.
I have a rule – if you say you’re going to do something then do it. Otherwise why should anyone trust a word you say?
Even if I change my mind and don’t feel like doing it, in my mind ‘I said I’d do it, so I’ve gotta do it’. It’s not even an option to cancel.
NTA I would ask your mother if she does this to anyone but you. Does she think that it’s acceptable to treat plans with you as something that can be broken on a whim, for no special reason, just because you are the one put out? That’s the message she’s sending. How else are you to interpret her behavior?
If I were you I would tell her that from now on there will be one standard and you will make sure to cancel last minute on her on a whim just as often unless she promises to cut out that behavior herself. Then follow through. If you can’t get her promise, randomly leave her in the lurch one time you have plans. Then when she blows up at you ask her what’s so special about her that her being stood up is so offensive and hurtful, when you are supposed to accept the same behavior from her as normal?
NTA. Stop making plans with her. If she makes them, ask if she’ll actually show up or if she’ll cancel last minute. My mom used to do this too, then a few years ago I needed a medical test that meant I needed a ride. I organized for a friend to take me & she was so hurt. I just said “half the time I ask you to do something you don’t show up, why would I risk not having a ride for something important?”. She’s never blown me off since.