At face value this sounds ridiculous but I think what happened is they felt financially insulted. Like they felt I was looking down on them.
I have a close friend I’ll call Rob. I’ve known him since freshman year of high school. I was in his wedding party, I’m close with his parents, he’s essentially my brother from another mother. Love the guy immensely.
His wife, I’ll call Katie, is also a sweetheart. She can be anxious and stresses easily depending on the situation but she loves Rob immensely and I know she treats him right. So she’s a good woman in my book. Genuinely no ill feelings towards her.
Rob and Katie have two kids. Two girls. They’ve disappeared from the social circles for a bit and I know it’s likely because money is tight and they’re exhausted. After putting out an invite to a hangout at a restaurant with our social circles, Rob gave his typical "We’ll see, no promises."
So in response I said. "If it would help out, I’d be willing to Venmo you money for a babysitter for the girls. That way you and Kate have less to worry about." Katie apparently got really upset when she saw this (she’s in the same group chat) and I only found out about her being upset when Rob messaged me.
I think I embarrassed them when I genuinely wasn’t trying to be a jerk.
**Where I know I’m wrong:**
I made an assumption. I had no business suggesting money was the issue and I think that’s where this came from. I also shouldn’t have asked him that question in a group chat with all of our friends. I should have just direct messaged him. I sent Katie and Rob an apology message and I told them straight up "I never meant to cross a boundary or insult/embarrass you. I just miss having you in my life. Please don’t let one mistake on my part ruin our friendship. I’m genuinely sorry."
I haven’t heard back yet but I’m hoping Rob can get her to understand I didn’t mean anything bad by it and that I genuinely wasn’t trying to alienate them. I’m the kind of guy who will sometimes talk or jump on a topic without thinking and I feel like this was one of those times.
Am I The Asshole?
Edit: Typos and Grammar
**Edit for context:**
I want to add something I didn’t include in the original post. I didn’t assume the financial aspect out of the blue. What happened was a month prior I saw his parents at a family dinner thing and they were talking about Rob and Katie. I’ve known them both personally since Rob and I were in high school.
They talked about Katie and Rob having financial issues. That’s where this came from. They specifically said "raising two girls is expensive and the price of things keeps going up."
That’s where the assumption came from. I didn’t make that assumption out of the blue. It was based on a conversation with his parents. I just wanted to clarify.
YTA but it doesn’t sound like you were being malicious. A private message to your friend telling him you miss hanging with him, and offering any support you can give would have been way more appropriate. Even offering different days/times that might suit his family better. Hopefully they can forgive and move on, good luck!
You meant well just handled it inappropriately. They should get past it. NTA
YTA, just for the assumption that it was about the money. Doubly so for saying it in a group chat.
I hate to say YTA because you had no ill intentions. But I can understand why Katie was insulted. There could be a lot more reasons why they’re not social besides paying for a sitter.
Maybe they don’t like doing things that don’t involve the kids. Or maybe their circle of friends are other parents now. Maybe they’re just exhausted and don’t have the time and energy to socialize.
Hopefully after some cooling off time, they will be over it.
Did you mean “because you had \[no\] ill intentions” in this comment?
Because I genuinely didn’t send the message to start a conflict. I’m really not that guy. I was excited to see everyone and I jumped the gun by sending out a message without thinking. I even apologized to them for it.
I’m genuinely not that kind of person. Never have been. I just wanted to offer in case they didn’t want to pay for BOTH dinner with friends and a babysitter. I really never meant to hurt them.
Sure did! My fault for not proofreading. Sorry about that, I fixed it.
YTA. Even though you say you shouldn’t have assumed, you’re still making assumptions. You assume that money is the issue. You assume that they feel financially insulted. Which, by assuming that they cant come to a restaurant due to financial issues, you ARE looking down on them.
In a group chat??? wtf! A-hole!
YTA, but you’re not an asshole in general. You had good intentions and were only trying to help…it’s just that, in this case, it probably embarrassed them to be offered financial help in front of all of their friends. You also shouldn’t have assumed that you knew the reason they were declining the invite. But you already apologized for these things, which was good. I think your friendship will be fine if you just give them a little bit of time to cool off
NAH – I think the offer was really nice and well-intentioned. It seems like it might have hit a cord for her personally, or she’s not super comfortable with the friend group yet, but it’s not asshole level. Definitely worth having a conversation with them to figure out the barrier; I can think of a lot of reasons that they might be backing away (dietary restrictions, anxiety about leaving kids, just not wanting to leave kids, sobriety, etc) but it definitely seems like she/they are going through some sort of shift in one way or another.
YTA- I’ve offered money to friends. Your heart was there, but that’s definitely an in-person conversation. It’s just incredibly disrespectful to offer money in a groupchat. That’s assuming they are poor when they may just want to spend time with their kids.
If you had kids you could’ve just said “why don’t we all pay for a sitter”
Yeah, it happening in the groupchat is where I understand her embarrassment. Especially since in your update, it’s very much true about their finances. Like salt in the wound
YTA. You don’t put that out there in a group chat. Money (especially when you’re broke) is an incredibly sensitive issue. You don’t broach topics about other peoples money unless they broach it first. If you really felt that they were in a tight spot you speak to them privately. And even then you drop it immediately if they aren’t interested in your help.
Also, they have 2 kids. Did you think your friends would be able to just hang all the time after he had the kids, whether he had the funds or not?
YTA in this situation but you already know why. Your “where I know I went wrong” paragraph spells it out completely. You made an assumption that their reason for not attending was about their financial situation and then messaged them about it in a group chat rather than privately.
First – Maybe they aren’t comfortable leaving their kids with a babysitter. Maybe when they do get a rare free night without kids, they’d rather have a date night than spend it with other people. There are many reasons why people with young children aren’t around often anymore. If you really miss your friends and their life is just too hectic right now, plan an activity together with them that is kid inclusive. Otherwise, accept that they’re going to be around a lot less than they used to be.
Second – Don’t make assumptions about people’s financial situations. If you are uniquely privy to a situation because someone has confided in you, make any offers of assistance privately, and not because it is a benefit to you. Offering a babysitter because you want to see them but think the reason they can’t or won’t see you is just because they’re too broke is simply rude. Invitations are free for others to accept or turn down for whatever reasons they want, and since no reason was given here it’s unfair to assume. If you genuinely want to help ease your friends’ burden (if there actually is one) talk to them (don’t text) and ask what would be most helpful to them. It’s probably not a babysitter.
(Edited for clarity)