I (18 f) have had issues with my mother since I was born, for a insight my mother has borderline personality disorder and bipolar (as do I). When I was younger my mother was neglectful and harmful toward me whenever my dad was in the military, she would leave me for days unfed on my own, cheat on my dad, steal, and even went as far as to kidnap me from family and take me across country so my family couldn’t see me. Whenever my dad found out he had left the military and took me off her, this resulted in my dad getting full custody and moving across sea’s, I was only aloud to see her once a year under protection. When I was around 13 or 14 she had 2 more children and stopped coming to see me, we had constant arguments because I was unmediated and undiagnosed at that point so anything set me off and caused arguments. When I was 16/17 I found out I had the same as her and we bonded over that, we spoke for 2 months until my birthday and she told me she was sending me money, a month passed and I was struggling with money and asked her about it, she got mad and it turned Into a big argument telling me I only message her whenever I am wanting money which is NOT true. 4 months later I went back over to my house country to visit my grandmother with my now boyfriend, I messaged my mother and told her I want to see her want my sisters, she basically told me i was dangerous and she needed to look after her children so im not aloud to see them, I got angry and we went back and forward, she soon said im not her child and I told her I want to sort this out and I can meet her just me and her for a drink and a chat, she said no and I said fine don’t expect to be invited to my wedding or meet your grandchildren. She blocked me on everything and hasn’t spoke to me in months. I feel bad about the whole situation because my mother is not well, although I have been trying with her since I was born and it always ends the same way and I can’t keep putting myself down that road and feeling like shit in the end. So am I the asshole for saying this to my mother?
NTA. She is your mother, but she has been no mother to you.
I’m sorry but give it up. Nothing will come from this but more pain and you don’t owe her anything at this point. It sucks but going no contact might be the best option for you.
Yea we’ve been no contact for months since she’s blocked me on everything
NTA she is, you have a right to set boundaries with her if she makes you feel that way. Wanting to protect her children now but didn’t offer you the same as a child? crazy. She’s not well but you also have to prioritise your own wellbeing. Going no contact would probably be best. Take care of yourself <3
NTA
You can’t make her be something she isn’t able to be right now. Maybe it is her mental health shining through or maybe she remembers the past differently and is responding to that. Doesn’t matter. She won’t be expecting a wedding invite and she won’t be the kind of grandparent you want for your children. Let it be over.
NTA. Better to just forget about her. Tho, if you’re not already seeking help then please do so you don’t turn out like her.
I am on medication and am in therapy, my boyfriend keeps me stable and makes sure I take my pills ect. Thank you
Somewhere between NAH and ESH.
Look, she clearly got things wrong in the past, and you don’t owe her anything – there is no obligation for you to see her or keep her in your life. You’re completely within your rights to cut ties with her.
She also has the right to protect her younger children if that’s what she feels is necessary. If she feels like you are harmful to her mental health, she isn’t an AH for keeping you at arms length.
So, you really have to ask yourself, is this is genuine boundary, where you are thinking about your own needs and where you need to draw the line, or are you hurt by her actions and lashing out in response. TBH, it sounds like the latter from the way you’ve worded things.
It is absolutely fine to decide in yourself that, actually, it’s not in your own best interests to keep in touch, and that you need to cut ties. But it doesn’t sound like that’s what happened. It sounds like she did something you didn’t like, so you lashed out by threatening to not include her in future major life events. That’s not setting a boundary, that’s trying to control her behaviour through threats and punishment.
Like I said, you may well be better off not having much contact with her going forward, and honestly she hasn’t treated you well in the past, so I can see that this could easily be warranted. But I don’t think you have dealt with this in a healthy or mature way either.
NTA – no point forcing this toxic relationship.
NTA your mom is not well, but that is up to her to manage. And when she isn’t well, you need to protect your self. And to be fair, you have the same diagnosis. That means you have the absolute best insight in what is caused by her illness, and what is just her being an AH.
NTA
Do what you need to protect yourself. Your relationship with your mother seems incredibly unhealthy from what you’ve described. I would recommend seeing a therapist to process all the trauma that you’ve experienced and figure out what exactly you want out of a relationship with her, or if you even want one.
NTA but you need to just accept she’s not a mother or anyone you need in your life. Focus on your health and life and do not fall into that emmeshment.