I, 16F have autism and am in a school that requires me to wear a uniform, including a shirt. For the new year, my mum, 56F decided to buy me new shirts because she felt my current ones had gone too thin. This was not a problem for me until the first day back at school (today) when i discovered that the new shirts were absolutely massive on me, like they were bigger than a nightshirt and were so long they were barely above my knees. They also had buttons on the opposite side of the shirt than i was used to. This really stressed me out because i cannot stand the texture of the shirts on my legs. I went to my dad, 55M, crying that i didnt like how the shirt felt and how i was struggling to button it up as my mum had already left for work. My dad kept on telling me i was acting like a child and that he couldn’t treat me with sympathy for doing so. This sent me into a meltdown and i could not stop screaming and crying. I tried finishing off getting ready for school but got even more overwhelmed when my shirt was longer than my skirt. I tried to find one of the old shirts and luckily, i did, so i wore that instead but in the process i accidentally tore the new shirt as i was really struggling to get it off. Eventually, i finished getting ready for school but i couldn’t stop crying and my makeup was completely ruined. My dad found me brushing my hair and told me that i wasnt in the right mindframe to go into school. I tried telling him i had to go in because i have mocks in literally two weeks but he told me to stay home and relax, and he called the school to let them know that i wasnt coming in. At around 6pm, my Mum came home from work and was already in a mood from the second i opened the door. She asked me if i had calmed down yet and before i could answer her she started screaming at me saying stuff like ‘You refused to go into school because I bought the wrong shirts, had a meltdown and now i’m the big bad bitch’. I tried to explain to her that at no point had i blamed her at all, but she cut me off again and said ‘I try to do something nice for you and this is the thanks i get’ and she then carried on to say ‘Nobody ever sees anything from my perspective’. That last statement hurt really badly because i feel like i really do try to understand her. But when she’s not even letting me explain myself, not even thinking about how upset i’ve been and getting angry when her autistic daughter shows autistic symptoms, i feel like she’s the one not seeing things from my perspective. I got really angry and told her that she’s being selfish about all this and making herself the victim in this situation when i’ve been crying about it all day. I’m worried that i’m just being an unreasonable teenager about this but this isnt the first instance that something like this has happened, however, it’s the first time i’ve ever actually said anything back to her. Now she wont speak to me is giving me the cold shoulder. AITA?
Ugh, hard NTA. I am the mom of an autistic child and I know how hard it is, and also, that is not your fault. I am blown away at how aware you seem to be of the way that your actions impact others. This is really mature and I hope one day my son can get to this place.
As a mom, her job should be to support you and help you grow. If she’s upset about the way you acted, it’s her job to learn about what’s going on and help you learn to manage your feelings. Instead, she’s acting like a child and playing the victim. This doesn’t help you to become better or stronger at working through your discomfort, it just makes you feel terrible. Honestly, she lost me when she started swearing and started a fight with a child. It’s her job to be the adult in this situation and I’m sorry you don’t have someone more supportive in your life right now.
I’m going to go ESH, lighter on your part though. Your mom should not have spoken to you the way she did. Also, what mother has seemingly zero idea what size shirt her daughter wears? I wouldn’t say your mom was selfish so much as she was downright mean and callous.
I do think, if you aren’t already doing so, that you should seek therapy to help you better regulate your emotions though if your parente would be amenable to it. Having a crying meltdown over a shirt being too large, particularly when you had an old one available, is a bit extreme.
EDIT: NTA. Op wasn’t aware initially that she had her old shirt as a backup. Upon reflection, I understand the panic and OP’s mom was out of line.
i am actively seeking therapy, i do really want to better control myself. Also i was not aware i still had any of my old shirts as i was under the impression i had already threw them out, maybe should have mentioned that.
NTA. As a mom, it really stood out to me that she referred to buying you new school shirts as “doing something nice for you” – that’s not doing something nice, that is a requirement as a parent. It sounds like she bought you men’s shirts (buttons are on the other side for menswear) and perhaps didn’t realize there would be a sizing difference. If that was accidental, I do feel for her for making a mistake. That’s no reason to lash out at you though – at this point she’s been the mother of an autistic child for 16 years and I’d expect her to understand that you have sensory issues and can’t always control it when you’re feeling overwhelmed.
If the buttons were on the opposite side they were for the other sex.
Men’s Shirts Button on the Right. Why Do Women’s Button on the Left? https://share.google/rloMC4qgp4Jn6uAhe
This is what I was thinking, it would explain the length of the shirt as well
OP, it sounds like your mum messed up and rather than admitting she bought you men’s shirts, she had a go at you which is unfair.
Could you try wearing a cami or vest under the shirt so the buttons don’t irritate you? If not keep your old shirts until mum buys the correct ones
NTA in my opinion
She also knew beforehand that she messed up, given that she admitted immediately that they were the wrong shirts and yet she still tried to force the daughter to wear them. She should have swapped them for the right shirts, or called ahead to the school and arranged for the right size shirts to be available at the office when the daughter got there, so she could change into them.
Mom is 100% a gigantic, titan sized gaping asshole. She fucked up, then she blamed the daughter, then she made herself into the victim. Ghastly behavior from a parent.
Dad is a bit of an asshole, but at least he recognized that it was a bad idea for the daughter to go to school. Good on dad.
And to be honest, this is a meltdown I can see a regular teenage girl having. My sister would have reacted in a similar way, and she is as normal as you can get.
And TBH my mom would have reacted in the exact same way as OP’s mom.
Right, this sounds like mom knew the kid wore x size but bought it in men’s, not women’s cut. I’m a ladies large but would be absolutely SWIMMING in a men’s large. If she sized up because OP was growing, that would compound the issue.
Wow you’re mom is pretty passive aggressive isn’t she?
NTA
Don’t think there was anything passive about it, that’s for sure.
She came in fully loaded and ready to fire.
NTA.
Your parents sound awful. Your mom bought you the wrong size shirt AND bought you men’s shirts and now somehow she’s the victim, and she even blamed you for staying home from school when your dad made you. Your dad was pretty unsympathetic as well. I would be upset too.
NTA – it sounds like you’re actively seeking therapy and other supports that might be able to help with developing effective coping skills. Your mom needs to go to therapy too. I don’t blame a teenager for not having the best skills to deal with things, especially when you want to learn are willing to try to improve. I do, however, hold a 56 year old woman to a higher expectation. Her behaviors and responses were unacceptable here. She is grown enough to know better and to seek help if she doesn’t know how to do something. She is also the upper hand of the power dynamic here and therefore has a higher degree of responsibility.
NTA.
An oversized shirt like that likely breaks the uniform rules; your mom is absolutely in the wrong here. Would it be better if you had more coping strategies? Absolutely yes, and if you’re in therapy, definitely talk to your therapist.
Supplying proper clothes, including uniforms, isn’t “something nice”, it’s a duty. You need shirts that fit.
Now, it probably means returning the too-big shirts and taking you with her to buy replacements.
nta i’m also autistic and had an almost identical experience during my school years , i only liked certain school shirts and they tended to be the ones i’d had for years because they felt a certain way and that’s what i was used to . getting new shirts was like hell because they just felt stiff and wrong and set off all my sensory issues . also im pretty sure buttons on the other side than usual means they were boys school shirts which could also explain them being so long , i might not be right though . but i completely understand you and you are valid