Context, I, 21 (F), come from a family consisting of my parents, older brother&sister, & my younger brother&sister. I have a big age gap w/ both sets of siblings. Growing up, my aunt took care of me bc my parents worked 2 jobs. When she couldn’t watch me, my older sister (33 F) would & even take me to school w/ her. I knew they were doing it for our futures, so I didn’t complain. Until my 2 younger siblings were born. My sister (15 F) was born when I was six & then my brother a year later. W/ two infants at home my mom quit her job to be a stay-at-home mom. I was excited at first, thinking I would finally experience having my mom 24/7, but boy was I wrong. Turns out, when you have two infants to take care of, the priority is them not really the older kids. My older sister was the one who took over the role of my mom, like taking me back to school shopping & attending school events. Sometimes my mother would take my 2 younger siblings to simple outings like grocery shopping, the park, etc, but leave me out of it bc she thought I wouldnt enjoy it/earned it. For a child who rarely got to experience such mundane tasks w/ their mom, it hurt. Fast forward senior year of high school, long story short, my mom decided the solution to better her life was up & leave my dad & take the kids. She literally took everything she deemed important like pictures & clothes. Except for one thing, ME. I didn’t even know she left until my big sis picked me up from school & told me. You would think I was distraught/heartbroken, but more than anything, I was pissed. Until this point, I tried accepting her lack of presence in my life was necessary bc my younger siblings needed her more, but come on, she took the family cat before considering taking me. Eventually, dad & older siblings were able to get in contact w/ her & thru an intense convo, she came back. When asked why she left me behind, she said, "I knew you could choose/fend for yourself, you’re 17 now & don’t need me as they do." That day solidified what I had already known: I don’t love my mother. After this event, I started to notice how little she partook in being a mother to me vs my other siblings. Btw it goes w/ out saying my younger siblings themselves are some of the most important people in my life; my love for them wasnt tainted by our mother. But my mother is now chronically ill so big sis & I talked about going forward w/ her medical care, as she doesn’t take it seriously. Big sis said how she loves our mother deeply, so it breaks her heart to see her be careless. I replied how I don’t love her & frankly am very frustrated w/ her lack of caring, but more so for my siblings. Sis asked how I could be so heartless when she sacrificed so much for us. I asked how a mother can be so heartless to leave behind her minor child but take the others w/ her? I pointed out how big sis was the one who raised me, who I saw as my mom, while our mom only came to me to vent or solve money problems. AITA?
NTA
Your feelings are valid and your entitled to them.
I’m so sorry this happened to you! You are not the A**hole.
You are entitled to feel the way you feel, you are even justified. So don’t feel bad, you were being honest about your feelings. Your sister is frustrated, but she shouldn’t take it out on you. At the same time remember that she had a different experience from you with your mom so for her it’s different.
NTA. It’s on parents to earn the love and respect they want from their kids. If they don’t do this, you owe them anything.
Definitely NTA. Your mother showed her true colors towards you, she gets what she deserves.
OP feelings are real and you are entitled to them regardless of other people’s opinions or experiences.
Based on the experience you described, you are justified in the feelings you have. Your mother was profoundly selfish and dismissive of you and your well being. Although she justified it as working for your future, she gave you no present, physically or emotionally. Then she left you behind. I am so sorry for what you went through.
Although your sister’s experience was different, and therefore she has a different perspective, gently try to explain to her how abandoned and alone you felt. How you can’t love your mother because you never had a mother. You had an older sister. Tell her you love her to the moon, but your mother never showed you any of the attention or caring that she did, but you had to watch her shower time and affection on your younger siblings. And how it broke your heart.
Maybe your sister will never understand. But don’t apologize for how you feel. And don’t feel guilty. Your feelings are a reflection of your mother’s indifference.
Good luck honey. You are NTA. Be strong.
NTA, sounds like your mom was that only biogically cause she dumped you on other family members your whole life and never did anything with you. Why should you love her? Love isn’t owed, it’s developped and nurtured, and she didn’t bother doing that with you, your aunt and sister did by quite litterally mothering you since your birth mom wasn’t doing it.