I (22M) have a sister “Lucy” (19F) who has always been a difficult person to be around. Everybody in the family walks on eggshells around her for fear of a blowup. I’ve always been told she is just a teenage girl going through teenage girl things, but that justification is getting old after almost a decade of her shenanigans. Despite her tantrums, passive aggressiveness, and the consistent dark cloud she casts over our family, my parents have always tried to protect her reputation to anybody outside of our immediate family. This includes lying about her overall wellbeing and creating this false image of a loving, upbeat girl who radiates positivity. I, however, have mentally checked out of whatever relationship I had left with her. Along with this, I’ve also started to tell the truth when people ask me how Lucy is. Here’s where I might be the asshole. I was recently on a trip to be with my great uncle. As with many of our family members, Lucy has little to no relationship with him. He asked me how she was and I told the truth. When he asked follow up questions I gave him straight up answers that came from an entirely factual account of things she has done. When the conversation finished he said something along the lines of “that’s good to know,” which immediately filled me with regret. I told my parents about it and asked for their advice for future conversations with outsiders about Lucy. They hinted I was TA and said I shouldn’t tell the whole truth. Their argument is that Lucy is supposedly trying to become a better version of herself (attempt #35 is the charm maybe?) and that I will taint her future relationships by telling the truth about her as a person.
For those who would like a specific example of something I told him, here you go: If there is any kind of occasion where somebody might have more attention than her (think birthdays, celebration dinners, etc.), she will get quiet, cross her arms, lean back, and put on a cartoony frown that she will keep the whole dinner while refusing to talk to anybody. This happens consistently at celebratory dinners, but also during most regular family dinners.
So, my question is: AITA for telling the truth about my sister’s behavior?
NTA Your parents should have your Sister in therapy. They want to pretend the issue doesn’t exist. They aren’t doing a favor to anyone in the family.
NTA, but I have a difficult sister, too. Not in the same way your sister is, but I finally just cut her out of my life. That would be the best method. Because the way your mother protects your sister, you’re going to end up being the “bad guy.”
https://www.psychologytoday.com/ca/blog/the-narcissist-in-your-life/202202/8-types-of-children-scapegoated-in-narcissistic-families
NTA- but it probably isn’t your place to say things.
I wouldn’t expect you to lie, but unless it’s important to the situation it might be more helpful to stay vague.
She does sound exhausting. And your parents aren’t helping her by lying about it. She needs to grow up, and maybe get some e therapy.
The adult world she is about to enter will not be as kind as your parents
NAH.
Look, shes 19. In my experience a lot of people (myself included) are some degree of AH when theyre teens and early 20s.
I couldn’t stand one of my sisters for *years*. And at the time, I just thought she was choosing to be awful to specifically me, on purpose.
The actual story that I learned many years later is that she was *really* struggling with her mental health, and it led to her behaving like an AH a lot of the time. Im not going to get into details, but she was having a bad time to the extent that – despite her not being on anything – she doesn’t remember most of her late teens and early 20s. At all.
She was able to get real help and is a completely different person after that, and growing up some.
I dont have the same mental health issues, but I was also sometimes awful as a 19-23 year old. Frankly, its just kind of part of the deal of growing up and maturing. We make mistakes and sometimes behave badly.
I would caution you though, even if you are saying things that are true theres a good chance it will look bad on you for saying those things. Especially if you arent saying them with compassion.
If all you ever have to say about your sister is negative, thats just gonna look bad on you in the long run. You’ll be better off saying something like “Shes having a hard time, hopefully things change for her soon. But I really wanted to tell you about (a thing you’re doing that youre excited about).”
A sign of maturity is being able to let people make their own mistakes, and to change or not change their own behavior – while realizing it doesnt need to affect you.
There’s a difference between refusing to fall in line with your parents’ misrepresentations and assailing your sister’s character (however accurately) to family members. Perhaps go with, “She must be at a difficult age,” or some such and let it go. It sounds as if anyone who observes your sister in a social setting can see for themselves how she’s doing, you don’t need to elaborate.
Your sister does sound dreadful; I hope your parents will get her some help before she tries to live in the wider wold with this sort of behavior. Parents might accept it; in the workplace, with roommates, and with friend groups it isn’t going to fly.
As for you, it wounds as if you’d be better served if you were less involved. Do you live in your family home, and if so, would you be happier with a different, more independent living situation?
ESH
No you’re not the asshole. My sister is older and always been like this too. My mom would give her what she wanted even if it was unfair to the rest of the siblings just avoid her “tantrum” she still acts like that at age 30. My mom is scared of her tantrums but won’t admit it.
NTA – secrets are harmful. You are not responsible for protecting your sister bad behavior and their poor parenting. It’s not like you’re telling her crush or her friends you’re telling a family member. Honestly it’s a sign of a toxic environment if there is someone you cannot criticize or give feedback to. Your sister is not in witness protection or the Queen. She is not a protected species. She has poor regulation and seeks attention to the point of being bratty. That’s not a state secret.
Your sister makes a weird/funny face when she isn’t the center of attention and you’re making a huge deal about it? Sounds like both you and your sister need to mature. Next time suggest the person contact your sister. “Gee, I’m not sure what’s she up to with both of a being busy. Do you have her number?”
NTA. You’re telling your honest version of the truth. But be careful it doesn’t cause regret too much, or set you and others up for more struggles. Might be best to keep it high level closer to “We don’t see eye to eye and I don’t really connect with her, so don’t see her so much. Personally didn’t appreciate her behavior. Seems like she’s doing ok. If you want to know more, chat to X”
One when talking about others is that ‘factual’ means something different to everyone and we always involve an undertone that reflects our opinion. Usually easiest to just talk about what you felt individually, your decisions, and leave the rest up to those directly involved.
NTA, in the future if someone in the family asks, I’d say, “her usual self” if you’re going with tact or “Unhappy and continuing to voice that.” She’s made your family life tough for a very long time so I’d stop playing along. If it’s her birthday and she has her arms folded and is refusing to talk, get up and say, “Hey, the birthday girl isn’t enjoying this so I’m going to leave and give her space.” If she throws a fit, ignore her and leave. I hope you live elsewhere because I’d hate living with a spoiled killjoy.
Your parents’ suggestion that confiding in your great uncle will tarnish her reputation and impact her future relationships is catastrophizing. He’s, what, in his 60s? 70s? There’s virtually no overlap in their social circles. He’s unlikely to have a say in her education, employment or personal relationships. I wouldn’t go broadcasting her personal info all over town, but confiding in one old uncle doesn’t make you the problem here. That would be your sister’s attitude.
NTA
Going to her enablers, who show poor judgment by being enablers, for advice is ill-advised.
ESH – she sounds like hard work and she had plenty of time to do better.
Then, when I read your description of the bad behaviour you told your uncle about, it seems very petty & childlike – folded arms and a scowl, easy to ignore, like you would a toddler tantrum. Not terrifying, and more petty than atrocious, worrying behaviour your uncle needs protecting from. You sound like a gossip.