I (28F) recently lost my childhood dog on September 13th. I’d had her for 16 years; more of my life with her than without. She was my soul dog, my baby, and losing her has been devastating. I knew I would need space to grieve, so I prepared to tell my sister (31F) that I needed three months before babysitting again.
For context: I don’t have children and I’ve never worked due to mental health issues, so I live with my mom. When my sister moved in with us about four years ago, I babysat my niece every weekday for a cheap $50 a week-often even after my sister got home because she wanted extra time to shower. I’ve always said yes, even when I wanted my own time to myself, largely to avoid conflict and because she had gotten angry at me once for saying ‘maybe’ the first time she ever asked. My niece was about 1 and a half when they lived with us and she is currently 5 years old now.
When my sister eventually moved out after a year and a half, I still watched my niece whenever I was told, sometimes for days at a time, often at the expense of my own feelings or sometimes plans. My mom would pressure me to say yes since she knew I was weaker with her. So still, I babysat without saying a word to my sister about it. Eventually my sister stopped ASKING me to babysit and started TELLING me. For years I never said no.
Then my dog died. Two weeks later, my sister asked me to watch my niece. I politely told her I didn’t have the emotional capacity right now and needed 3 months to grieve, reminding her I’ve never told her no before. Instead of being empathetic, she replied that her job was short-staffed which felt guilt-trippy. I chose not to respond and moved on.
A week later, she had my mom ask me again even tho I already said no. I broke down crying. For years I’ve put my own feelings aside for her, and felt she couldn’t do the same for me. That if she can’t respect a boundary during the worst grief of my life, then when would she ever? She could hire a babysitter, but chooses not to and acts like I’m her only option.
Weeks later and she’s asking my mom to ask me again. Then my sister sent my mom a long text calling me selfish, claiming I "always say no," even though I only said it once and clearly stated I needed a temporary break. It wasn’t like it would be forever. She told my mom I should babysit because "family helps family," yet no one seems to care about my feelings or the grief I’m going through. She even implied she could get fired if I don’t help, which feels manipulative when she could hire professional childcare like many parents do.
I believe having family babysit is a privilege, not an obligation. I didn’t choose to have a child, she did. I’ve helped for years, despite at times wanting to say no but didn’t. Now I’m being treated like the villain for asking for 3 months to grieve my soul dog.
With the way my family is acting, treating her as if she is the victim, it has made me question whether I’m being selfish for not babysitting.
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I (28F) recently lost my childhood dog on September 13th. I’d had her for 16 years; more of my life with her than without. She was my soul dog, my baby, and losing her has been devastating. I knew I would need space to grieve, so I prepared to tell my sister (31F) that I needed three months before babysitting again.
For context: I don’t have children and I’ve never worked due to mental health issues, so I live with my mom. When my sister moved in with us about four years ago, I babysat my niece every weekday for a cheap $50 a week-often even after my sister got home because she wanted extra time to shower. I’ve always said yes, even when I wanted my own time to myself, largely to avoid conflict and because she had gotten angry at me once for saying ‘maybe’ the first time she ever asked. My niece was about 1 and a half when they lived with us and she is currently 5 years old now.
When my sister eventually moved out after a year and a half, I still watched my niece whenever I was told, sometimes for days at a time, often at the expense of my own feelings or sometimes plans. My mom would pressure me to say yes since she knew I was weaker with her. So still, I babysat without saying a word to my sister about it. Eventually my sister stopped ASKING me to babysit and started TELLING me. For years I never said no.
Then my dog died. Two weeks later, my sister asked me to watch my niece. I politely told her I didn’t have the emotional capacity right now and needed 3 months to grieve, reminding her I’ve never told her no before. Instead of being empathetic, she replied that her job was short-staffed which felt guilt-trippy. I chose not to respond and moved on.
A week later, she had my mom ask me again even tho I already said no. I broke down crying. For years I’ve put my own feelings aside for her, and felt she couldn’t do the same for me. That if she can’t respect a boundary during the worst grief of my life, then when would she ever? She could hire a babysitter, but chooses not to and acts like I’m her only option.
Weeks later and she’s asking my mom to ask me again. Then my sister sent my mom a long text calling me selfish, claiming I “always say no,” even though I only said it once and clearly stated I needed a temporary break. It wasn’t like it would be forever. She told my mom I should babysit because “family helps family,” yet no one seems to care about my feelings or the grief I’m going through. She even implied she could get fired if I don’t help, which feels manipulative when she could hire professional childcare like many parents do.
I believe having family babysit is a privilege, not an obligation. I didn’t choose to have a child, she did. I’ve helped for years, despite at times wanting to say no but didn’t. Now I’m being treated like the villain for asking for 3 months to grieve my soul dog.
With the way my family is acting, treating her as if she is the victim, it has made me question whether I’m being selfish for not babysitting.
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NTA you can refuse to babysit for any reason whatsoever. It’s not your kid.
this, you don’t need a reason at all, no is a complete sentence.
NTA
You told your sister that you can’t look after her child because your current grieving and not in the best mental space right now. So instead of having empathy and being understanding and reasonable adults, your sister and mother are trying to force you into looking after your sisters child as if it’s your obligation to do so?
What’s stopping your mother from looking after the child?
What’s stopping your sister from hiring a babysitter?
You can refuse to look after the child for any reason, but your reason is a really valid reason to not do it.
You’re not the selfish one here. Your mother and sister are the selfish ones since they couldn’t bother caring about you what you’re going through and writing it off as if it does matter.
Completely NTA.
I’m pretty sure what is keeping the entitled sister from getting a babysitter is that no one is going to willingly babysit for $10 a day.
Hello,
Thank you so much for your response. To answer your question about my mother stepping in to babysit, I actually had a lot more background context written but had to cut it short bc of the 3,000 character limit from the rules of the community. But essentially after I told my mother the answer was still ‘no’ when my sister tried to get my mother to ask me on her behalf, my mother (who also works full time and even longer hours than my sister) decided she would take the day off to try and care for my niece which I thought was ridiculous instead of just telling her to hire professional help but I thought ‘whatever, it’s her choice’. However, my grandmother overheard and to help my mom, she offered to come down and babysit for that day. Which again… felt like they weren’t really addressing the real problem. A few weeks passed, and for Veteran’s day however, my mother did take a day off work to take care of my niece bc apparently she didn’t have school that day. But apparently my sister needs more days and has been insisting my mother to continue asking me, hence her explosion with the text she sent my mother. So as far as actually taking care of her grandchild, that’s not her fault because she works a full time job (and tbh I also don’t think she is obligated to at the end of the day either). What I will say, is that I do struggle with the fact that she doesn’t stand up to my sister to take my side even if she believes I’m in the right. She wants to stay ‘neutral’ and for my sister not to be mad at her. But in turn, sometimes that hurts me; to feel unsupported and like I’m getting bashed with no shield to protect me. I wish she would defend me but she’s a very non confrontational person and believes it’s about ‘keeping the peace’ …. though in my opinion, it just leaves the issue unresolved and rewards my sister with thinking she is right. My mother is a really good mother, so I don’t want it to come across like she is bad and I don’t want anyone in the comment section thinking that way either. She has so many good qualities and is there for me in other ways which would be too long to get into, but that part is undoubtedly a part I struggle with. Sometimes it would just be nice if she could just stand up for me when she’s knows I’m right but she’s a very sensitive person who gets stressed easy. I can’t deny that some days I can brush it off and other days it breaks my heart to the point I’m sobbing. Or sometimes it hurts how, if she feels me and my sister are both ‘hurting’ or ‘struggling’, she will often still feel more sympathy for my sister than me (hence why she pressures me to take care of my niece even when she knows I don’t want to in the past before my dog died, she’d say ‘do it for me’). After my dog passed, my mother finally stopped asking me when I reaffirmed the second time that my answer was still no, but I know my sister keeps insisting even since then because she still relays the information to me.
I would actually say my grandmother upset me a bit more because apparently she believes I should be helping my sister, yet when my niece was first born, she quickly told my sister ‘don’t be thinking I’m gonna be babysitting her all the time’… so it feels hypocritical. Apparently for me, that doesn’t apply.
As for what’s stopping my sister from hiring a babysitter, I have no real answer. I have my theories of course. I suspect it may have something to do with trusting a stranger, but, and not to be insensitive to that worry, there are thousands of parents who have to rely on professional babysitting. It’s not like she’s the only one in the world. I know I don’t work currently but eventually I hope to one day, so why is it treated as if it’s the end of the world to hire a professional one? She believes because I’m not working, that I should just be at her beck and call. Plenty of other people in the world hire professional babysitters. I understand it may not be the most comfortable idea to trust a stranger with your child but at the end of the day, there are plenty of people who are also in situations where they can’t rely on family or friends (regardless if they have jobs or not). I don’t think it has to do with money because apparently she told my mother in the text as well that ‘I’ll pay her double!’ but the point is that for me, it’s not about the money. However, it’s clear she can spend a little more. Or if she can’t, she should start saving in cases like these. Because it’s not like it would be monthly babysitting, just on the occasion she needed it when her daughter doesn’t have school.
Thank you for being so empathetic to my situation, by the way. I definitely haven’t really had the best support system in regard to my grief. In fact, it feels like I’ve been getting more judgement than ever so it’s nice to hear that someone is taking my feelings into consideration, even if it’s a stranger online. I would say my fur baby’s name but that would defeat the whole anonymous factor. She was such a sweet soul. ❤️🩹
NTA
Taking 3 months off from “work” to grieve isn’t common…even when people lose their human children they rarely get more than a week off work, which is dumb, for sure, but capitalism…so there you go.
None of that part actually matters though.
You are under no obligation to babysit your niece. ***Period***. You don’t need any excuses to say no here. She isn’t your kid, so she isn’t your responsibility.
Also, $50 a week for 5 days a week care is absolutely absurd. If you do decide to start watching your niece again, you need to charge more.
NTA. Not your kid, not your responsibility. Take as much time as you need. If she can’t respect the word no, perhaps you need to rethink babysitting. Seems like it’s become an expectation and then the ridiculousness of her “you always say no. Plus dragging your mom into it. She can feel free to find and pay the going rate for a babysitter that’s not you. Or daycare.
NTA. You need never babysit again and you would still have been extraordinarily generous.
Well its about time your mother stepped up to look after her child’s children. Your sister having children isn’t your problem nor it is your responsibility.
My oldest dog is coming close and it’s tearing me apart watching her get older. My heart is with you. Take the time you need to heal the loss of your long time friend and companion.
NTA I am so sorry for the loss of your beloved dog. I am sorry your sister and your mother are not supporting you during this difficult time.
Take care of yourself and resist their efforts to manipulate you. Focus on your needs and your boundaries. You have done more for your sister than most people would. If she can’t support you when you need help, maybe you should rethink helping her so much in the future.
It’s her kid not yours… 💀
NTA
You are not obligated to watch your sister’s children. Your mother should not be pressuring you to do anything. If your family feels your sister is the victim why are they not helping her themselves?
I absolutely cannot stand being guilt tripped.
Your sister is perfectly able to survive on her own. Her life choices were not forced on her by you. The fact that she says these things to your mother and not to your face says volumes about how she doesn’t even respect you. She can rage and throw tantrums all she wants. You have nothing to feel bad about.
I think it’s sounds a bit weird you specifically need three months to grieve… but it kinda sounds like you are just sick of saying yes all the time and maybe see this as a valid excuse, maybe that’s inaccurate. But girl you do not need an excuse. Period. It shouldn’t take your dog dying for you to say no. If you don’t want to then don’t. If she loses her job it’s her own fault for not hiring a sitter. Why can’t your mom do it since she’s so worried about it? It sounds like your sis is just mad cause she wants to use you for free babysitting. I’m sorry about your dog though that’s tough