Hi,
So my boyfriend and I got back from a trip with his family over the holiday. Before this trip I expressed a lot of resistance to going- mainly due to feeling a lot of stress and pressure between us and also felt like it wasnt the best time for me financially to go on a trip- and knew that 2 weeks off would mean a lot of make up work when I am back. He told me before the trip to not worry- that he would cover the entire trip financially and it would be a great time. He also insisted that he would make it up to me- (all the extra work Id need to do when Im back) and it would be a trip that mended any stress or tension weve been under as he just wanted to express how much he cared for me there.
So I let go, and went with an open heart. I was rather surprised however on him taking himself snowboarding a few times without me- leaving me in the hotel room. I guess it stung too- because he told me also before we left that he was excited to express how much he loved me through the Christmas gifts he got me- which probably totaled to near $100, while I spent near $400 on him. And I dont know if this sounds stingy as I know it really is the thought that counts- but when I think of expressing to someone how much I love them- I hope it would be at least the cost or more so the effort of what it would take for me to take myself skiing or doing something for myself for the day? He easily spent $700 on himself snowboarding and it would of been much more but I made a comment to him that I would like to spend more time with him on the trip so he took some time off towards the end for me and we walked around town.
I guess I feel funny for saying these things- and also am questioning if im the asshole as I know that there was a lot of other things that were given to me automatically for being on the trip- like the hotel, airplane and also the food at restaurants. I guess I just wish that I would of known the plan or itinerary before then, and that I would need to figure things out for myself- as snowboarding is not my thing- I did go with him for 2 hours one day- and afterwards he told me he really did not like taking me, and that it was so nice of him to do- explained to me as this- imagine if you were a pro at gymnastics and had to teach someone it on a basic level, how crappy it would be- so it seems like I was a burden to him for that time.
So since the trip, Ive tried to bring it up a few times, that I didnt feel the love that he said he was going to show me during the trip through his actions- and he always gives me a defensive reply, or an apology that makes me feel like I had too high of a standard or expectations for a trip- and that all he meant when he said that the trip was going to be good was that the change of scene, nice restaurants and not having to deal with work or anything at home should of lightened up most people- so I do end up questioning my experience.
AITA for telling my boyfriend I think he acted selfishly on a trip he took me on?
edit to add: If this was another time and trip, and it was talked about before- I definitely would not of minded if he were to of gone to do something he liked alone, and I would of done something I liked along if it was apart of the plan that I would be doing something else from the start.
I would be mad if someone took me on an activity and said afterwards that they regretted bringing me.
NTA becauss it sounds like bf doesn’t value you or your time. It might be time to have a serious conversation. Like you said, there’s more to a gift than wealth, it’s the thought and effort that counts. Bf clearly failed with that during the vacation when he left you in the hotel room instead of spending time with you.
NTA. I don’t need to read this long post to know he doesn’t care about you. Do what you please with that information.
I think i would want to train my partner on the basics so they could get better and enjoy it more next time.
Rather than have a life where they never learn and trips are always separate.
(Thats if they actually enjoy it, if not, then its a separate hobby and not a couples trip. Like my golfing)
Updateme
Update us when you break up with him please
Seriously, he probably spent a lot of money to bring you along on the trip but it’s puzzling why he wanted you there. It sounds like he just wanted a solo snowboarding trip and someone to eat dinner with at the end of the day?
You don’t say how old you both are or how long you’ve been together, but he sounds like he has no idea how to be in a relationship. He doesn’t know that when you convince your girlfriend to come on a trip so you can bond, you don’t then plan the trip unilaterally and include your girlfriend in activities only as an afterthought. And then not even be willing to talk about it. Hopefully that’s just extreme immaturity that he’ll outgrow, but it sounds like the relationship hasn’t been good before, during, or after the trip.
He really sounds like an AH. NTA.
Ya we are both 31, and have been together over 2 years, Im not sure if its immaturity or what. Before the trip I was thinking we were going to get married, but now Im questiong it all.
NTA. Bringing you all the way there just to leave you at the hotel room is just weird behavior. And taking you to go snowboarding then telling you he doesn’t like taking you?? That’s crazy!
Some work acquaintances invited me out to do a sport I’m not great at. I SUCKED compared to them. But they were so patient and taught me how to play better. When they noticed I’d been sitting aside for a good while, they called me over and made sure I played more games. I got that from acquaintances and strangers.
You deserve better from a fricking boyfriend who says he wants to “express how much he cares about you”.
YTA . If you know you don’t like snowboarding but he plans on snowboarding while there but still wants your company the rest of the trip you should have expected to be alone for a couple of hours during the day. Did you not talk about this prior?
Yes I told him I did not want to go snowboarding at all- he said he likely wouldnt want to either, and at one point – much earlier before trip was fully planned- he said that I could go to the spa , or we could go together instead of snowboarding, i wouldn’t of gone if it was a snowbaording trip I wouldnt want to ruin his fun, even told him that when I said it would be nice to spend more time with him- id rather him go snowboard if it would make him happy as I know he cant do it where we live as much
NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly very self-absorbed. He planned fun activities for himself, complained about including you, and had you there to be his companion when he wanted to hang around the hotel, go on walks, and eat.
Sounds like he viewed you as a handy appendage, to be available when he wanted to hang out. Apparently that’s his idea of showing you love…allowing you to be in his presence. I’m not seeing anything about him asking what you want to do or planning anything interesting for you to enjoy.
There should have at least been a balance. He goes snowboarding, then plans a fun activity with you. Telling you he didn’t like taking you snowboarding was a real kick in the teeth. Again, he talked a big line about how great he was going to make it for you… he’s so special that you should have been over the moon just to be with him. He’s in love with himself.
Honestly NTA! He made this whole deal about bonding and then continued to ditch you and obviously planned a trip where you were not sure what was going on or even seemed into. Like did he ever listen to you because the way you have explained this I am pretty sure you have told him you don’t ski, before this.
NTA. Ah, the ski vacation as a novice with someone who considers it their favorite activity! It’s a lose-lose situation.
I’ve been that novice twice, and on the third time I was asked to “join” (which meant staying by myself and struggling all day or being the person that ruined their joy by not being able to do what they were there to do – even when they never said that, it was clear), I said no.
When someone is a snow sports person, they can’t remember what it was like to start. And they sure as heck don’t want to do that training with their (however loved) guest again. What they want to do is to fly down the mountain. Over and over and over. And you can’t.
Skip trips with experienced skiers and snowboarders if you’re a novice and have any hope of spending time with them. You won’t, until dinner (which I usually made for them because I went back early from the slopes).
INFO: what was the plan for the trip? Was this a snowboarding trip? How long as it and how many days did he snowboard without you? Did he spend time with you the rest of the time? You said it was a family trip so was the whole family snowboarding? Or did he go alone while you hung out w his family doing whatever activities they’d planned?
NTA. He really wanted to go on this trip and convinced you to tag along knowing full well it was for himself. You were an afterthought. He probably knew you would not be happy if he went without you so rather than miss out he told you what you wanted to hear. Him telling you it sucked taking you snowboarding is just the icing on this shit cake.