(This is a throwaway account)
I apologize in advance since English is not my first language.
My boyfriend (22M) and I (23F) have been together for almost 2.5 years now. We’re both almost done with university and after university we plan on moving in with his family for a bit until we have enough money saved to get our own apartment.
His family is the nicest I love his mum and dad. They have always treated me like their own daughter and called me home for holidays since my family lives in a different country. His brother (25M) however I’ve only met on two separate occasions. My boyfriend always warned me about his brother being weird and odd and I heard stories about him from his family regarding the same so when I knew he was gonna come for Christmas I was very nervous.
During Christmas, him and I got along very well and spoke and spent time together a lot. Post Christmas I kept telling my boyfriend that he was worried for no reason and teased him that his brother and I were basically best friends now.
A week ago however, we went back to his family house and his brother had now moved in permanently with the parents since he was unemployed and got kicked out.
I didn’t see his brother all week at all. We found out during the week that their Nan had passed away for which my boyfriend’s family had to go to the funeral. I didn’t go as I didn’t have the visa for the country (I’m in the process of getting it). The brother also did not go to the funeral for some reason. For a whole day I was alone with the brother at the family house since my train wasn’t back until the next day.
My boyfriend called me almost every hour to check up on me and ask me about his brother and what he was doing. He told me that I should not let the brother know when I was leaving because he doesn’t like to be disturbed during his “white noise time”. Naturally, I asked what kinda white noise did hear all day,was it like wales or rain or beach? My boyfriend told me that it wasn’t that and that his brother all day long hearing the static sound?? Like the one that’s on TV when nothing is playing??I can’t really describe it but it’s like “SSSSSS”.
I also found out that the brother is paranoid schizophrenic and thinks he’s famous or something and that he’s wanted by everyone and police all over the world??
After hearing all this I don’t feel comfortable moving in with the family anymore even though I love his entire family so much and it would really help. I tried telling my boyfriend that I think his brother is a bit psychopathic but he doesn’t want to hear it.
So AITA for saying that his brother is psychopathic?
Edit: To make things clear a bit 1. His brother is a paranoid Schizophrenic but he isn’t getting any treatment for it and refuses to get any treatment for It.
2. Calling his psychopathic was for his behaviour of spending hours sat infront of his laptop hearing the static noise, which I do see is completely wrong now and I should apologise and educate myself on the definitions of different mental illnesses.
3. My boyfriend kept constantly telling me not to fall for his tricks when he did talk to me because apparently he was putting up "an act" during Christmas which now he dropped because he was having an episode.
Edit 2- The only other thing I know about the brother is that soon before I met him for Christmas he had a Missing Persons report on him by the family, and that my boyfriend’s family had a Private detective hired to look for him because he cut off all contact with them for a bit.
He also often goes on X to share his views about the end of the world and stuff. (Which yes I know now DOES NOT make him a psychopath)
I mean kinda? YTA for calling him “psychopathic” because paranoid schizophrenia ISN’T psychopathy. But you’re NTA for worrying about your safety and not wanting to live with someone you don’t know and don’t know really know how they’ll react to any triggers they may have, etc.
YTA majorly for calling him a psychopath. ? i don’t even understand. he left you alone all day and hasn’t done anything to you besides be kind to you and joke with you and then take his space when he needed it. mentally ill people aren’t inherently a threat. no one can make you live somewhere you’re not comfortable, and if this is your attitude you probably shouldn’t live there for either of your sakes.
INFO
The brother has a formal diagnosis. Why are you trying to give him a different diagnosis? What does that gain for you?
Your boyfriend warned you from the start.
YTA – agreed, he already has a diagnosis which is schizophrenia not psychopath, the added label is super stigmatising and problematic.
Also seems like it’s pretty obvious why he didn’t go to the funeral.
YTA for confirming he has schizophrenia (so he’s schizophrenic) but then calling him a psychopath (very different…. very) when literally already have a diagnosis.
Agreed. “Psychopath” gets thrown around a lot, and I can’t speak from personal experience, but if he is confirmed diagnosed as schizophrenic it comes across as a serious misunderstanding of schizophrenia that could be harmful and/or really hurtful to him or his family. YTA, OP. There is nothing wrong with having serious safety concerns if there has been proven behavior that warrants it, but calling him a psychopath just seems to highlight the fact that you don’t understand schizophrenia & what does and does not come with that diagnosis.
EDIT: OP, have there been any serious concerns to your personal safety or heath (or anyone else in the house)? From your post it does not seem like it, it seems like he is more focused on other things. Do you know how his family typically deals with or interacts with him? The white noise thing seems like a non-issue as plenty of non-schizophrenic/neurotypical people also use that.
Have you talked to your bf much about it? It doesn’t seem like the brother presents much of a physical threat, unless there is info you have not added. He also seems aware of it as he said to just avoid him, but not because of a breakout or a mental health crisis- seems like he just knows how his brother is.
I understand your trepidation to a degree, but it also seems like you have an understanding of schizophrenia that is informed by the more extreme/severe symptoms that are often perpetuated by pop culture. I could absolutely be wrong, but nothing in your post makes it immediately clear that you should absolutely not move in with your bf. Maybe consider getting an apartment together if it is an option financially? If not, educate yourself on schizophrenia, discuss prior behavior and potential behavior of your bf’s brother with your bf, and weigh your options.
This is not perfect advice but it is based off of the information you provide, so obligatory grain of salt.
I want you to look up what psychopathic means, and post a 2 line summary of it right here.
And also add a definition of white noise
What did your boyfriend’s brother do for you to even be calling him that? My brother is schizophrenic, but he is stable, and by no means a psychopath. If you’re just calling him that, to be calling him that, you are definitely TA.
YTA for not educating yourself about his brothers condition and accusing him of psychopathy which is a totally different thing. It’s normal and okay to feel nervous about living with someone who has a condition you don’t understand, don’t know the triggers, etc. but you’re conflating mental illnesses that aren’t the same and for that, yeah, you’re being uncool.
I’m sorry, you think he’s a psychopath bc…he…likes white noise? I think he might be saner than you…
YTA for calling his brother this just because he has mental illness. Has he ever even hurt anyone? Most people with schizophrenia don’t hurt other people, they just live tortured lives. You don’t have to move in with them, but you don’t have to insult the guy, either.
I mean, yes you are entitled to your feelings and if you feel unsafe that’s ok, but has the brother done anything to warrant being seen as a “dangerous psychopath” outside of having a heavily stigmatized mental disorder? Because it doesn’t sound like it based on what you’ve told us.
Either way I still think it’s an asshole move to tell your boyfriend you think his brother is a psychopath after he told you about his brothers condition, he likely didn’t tell you before this because he was worried about this exact kind of reaction.
Again, if the brother has a history of violence then yeah justified in not wanting to stick around, if not then you’re just making assumptions based on his disorder and that’s really shitty.
YTA. I have worked in the mental health field and have been around a lot of people who have SEVERE paranoid schizophrenia. You have every right not to want to be around him alone or live with him. But calling him “psychopathic” when he has a known mental illness is rude and insensitive.