i have a good relationship with my dad,but we have a conflict over how much stuff he keeps. I don´t mind him keeping his whole room full of things,if he wants. But he has THREE rooms of stuff he keeps. He says it´s "organized" because they´re not in the way,but i don´t think it´s healthy for him or for the family to live like that. My mom just says that it´s his stuff and he´ll "sort it when he can". And i TRIED to bring it up. But he always finds an excuse to not do it. "I´ll do it in the holidays". I said ok,and waited for the holidays. "I´m too tired right now". I said ok,and waited until the next day. "My back hurts now" I offered to do it myself with his supervision (meaning he only had to watch and tell me what he did/didn´t want to throw away,and i would do it). Still no. And it´s not about him throwing away EVERYTHING,because he does find the occasional piece stashed somewhere to repair something. But there are things that i can´t understand what he could use them for. For example,there was a box of books not opened in decades. The box was stuck to the wall with its own grease. Some metal pieces are rusted and molded beyond use,and some boxes are straight up feasts for insects. That´s the kind of thing i have an issue with. I don´t mind him keeping the water pipes that were leftover from repairing the water tank. I do mind him keeping boxes full of grease and insects (Troughout our small apartment. Not a house with space to do it). And even so,if he kept it all in one single room (we have a room for it,called the "deposit"). I wouldn´t mind either. But he has boxes in the living room that we all use. You can stash some things that could be useful later on. But three rooms is simply too much for me.
The other day,me and my sibling were talking about it with our mother,and we explained the same thing to her. She said that my dad´s stuff was none of our business,and that we were being too hard on him. She also accussed my sibling of trying to "clear the room to bring their partner to live with us" (neither my sibling nor their partner said they planned to) And that we should stop "trying to control the house". Later that night,my dad was furious with my sibling because of a discussion about that. My dad said that he wouldn´t hesitate to kick them out if they kept trying to "control the house",but later told them that they could stay,as long as they didn´t try to "act like the parent was them". I stopped trying to bring it up to my dad,but sometimes i discuss it with my mother. We both haven´t changed our minds,but she considers me cruel for saying that if he´s so determined to live surrounded by trash,it´s not my job to clean after him. Eventually,i´ll move out and it´ll stop being my problem. I´ll help him when and if he wants me to,but until then,i´m done with those boxes.
AITA?
Edit: The bot asked me to clarify what makes me think i might be the Ahole,so i´ll add it here just in case it´s needed:
I may not think it´s healthy,but ultimately it´s up to him what he can and can´t keep. It´s still HIS stuff,after all.
NTA. You tried, but were rebuffed.
If he was raised poor or if the family has financial difficulties, this is his way of insuring he can always be able to fix what breaks.
However, he might need an Rx to help him. Leave some hoarding articles out for him to read. It’s a mental health issue.
At this point, he is adamant he wants things as they are. Keep your stuff neat and not mixed in with the general mess and move out as soon as you can. Maybe your sibling will go in on an apartment with you. Maybe some friends will.
Yes,my grandfather abandoned my grandmother,and she struggled to maintain herself and my dad. Plus,he´s close to retirement age,so i think he´s scared of not having enough money to buy things.
You may be right but unfortunately unless you pay rent you don’t really have room to make requests
You can’t be an asshole just for feelings. It’s how you act on them. If you raged at him for it, then, yeah, you’d be the asshole.
Here’s the thing: Your dad is a hoarder. If I had to guess, based on your post, he’s a hoarder of potential. This thing -might- be useful, therefore, he keeps it. My father and brother are both this type of hoarder. This old book -could- be useful. This box of screws -could- be useful.
The thing to be aware of is that hoarding is a mental disorder. While it can be force cleaned, it doesn’t solve the true problem. He would need therapy, and want to participate. Your mother has accepted this as part of her life, though I’m sure she doesn’t like it. (As my mother did, as my brother’s wife does.)
I tried to convince him. Sadly,he doesn´t really believe in therapy. So i can´t do much else.
He thinks he’s fine. Therefore, he doesn’t need therapy.
Most hoarders only get help when their backs are truly against the wall. When they face eviction. When they face having their children taken away. When they are hurt enough that they can’t move back in.
Going with NTA. Does he have any idea of everything he has stored and if its all legal. Am presuming with how long he has been there the home is owned not rented. I rent and had to be clear that I didn’t own certain things like fire making materials or fuel (everyone has matches and candles which is OK, gas canisters are a huge no no). Just concerned that if something happens because of his collection your parents might find the insurance invalid if it was caused by a not properly stored item.
We don’t own the place. We rent it to someone of the family that doesn´t need it because they live abroad. As far as i´m aware,they didn´t put any rules or conditions (or i was too small to remember). As for your first question,i don´t really know if he´s aware of what he has. My other sibling once told me they threw away one of his boxes and he didn´t even notice,so maybe he doesn´t. But all he keeps (again,as far as i know) are old pieces of metal,books,and mechanical parts. I think everything is legal.