I made a post while ago discussing this without a lot of details which kinda made it seem unreasonable but I’m not sure so I wanted to try again. Long story short, my gf and I (both girls) have been together for almost a year and are long distance. Some months ago she came over on an early birthday celebration for me. On her last night here i got a really weird feeling and checked her phone (This is sort of normal between us, she’d check mine all the time and I never really checked hers in depth until then). I found a conversation with her friend talking about my gfs ex and a VM “venting”? about me? but basically called me a b\*tch to her and continued on the conversation. I brought up til the morning cause it was like 3am when I saw that, i asked her why she’d do that since we have both said multiple times how disrespectful and humiliating it is to us when someone else does that in their relationship. She said she didn’t know what to say and I had to basically beg her to hug me or comfort me. Later on that day she was leaving so I decided to try to just pretend I didn’t see anything and enjoy the last few hours we had together. However, it was still an issue for me, and I brought up it multiple times during the past few months. All those times my feelings felt discarded since she said she wouldn’t stop talking to her friend no matter what and that was the end of the conversation every time. But ever since we started talking I was expected to drop people she deemed “weird” or too friendly, if I asked questions or tried saying anything i was met with passive aggressive comments over the friendship. Most recently, we had an issue over a friend of mine who id basically only play Fortnite with. I tried bringing up how it’s unfair to me how I have to drop people who dont have anything weird or weird behaviors with but she can’t? I told her it’s unfair to me and she brought how she wouldn’t go out anymore when she has said herself she does it out of her not wanting to, I haven’t limited her in that. Some time ago as well she put some rules down about curfews and when we were expected to be home and we had to drop them cause she never followed through. All the limits she has said I placed she did. It’s draining that I can’t even mention how I feel without it causing a fight. I had to drop said friend who was the only person I talked to outside of my girlfriend and close relatives. After her issue with my friend got brought up I tried talking about her friendship bothering me as well and she said she wouldn’t drop her cause it wasn’t that big of a deal to her. Any time I bring up things that bother me my feels get brushed off and it sucks. She asks me to open up and talk to her or friends when she knows I don’t have friends, and when I do she makes me drop them or she doesn’t want me talking to them about our stuff? Theres a whole lot more but I go past the limit so yeah I’ll take this as venting
NTA.
It seems to me that your GF is trying to isolate you. Maybe she’s private, or maybe she thinks other people will think her actions are weird. Maybe she had trouble with the friends of a previous partner.
But for sure she is applying a double standard. You have a curfew but she doesn’t. She can talk to her friends but you can’t talk to yours. Etc.
What you need to do right now, is go back to all of your old friends and try to reconnect. If you don’t think your friends are weird, then it’s not up to your GF. And don’t be surprised if she tries to make up some shit they said or did. Again to get you to drop them.
There’s no reason for you to share details about your intimate life. But if your GF is doing things that seem like trying to control you, or control your money, etc., and you’re not sure if it’s normal, then yes you should be able to vent or bounce ideas off your friends. She’s doing it and she’s not going to stop, so that’s a fair thing to do by definition.
Now, there’s a fair chance that this will lead to some arguments. It might even lead to the end of your relationship. But if you’re not 100 % into playing Sub to her Dom, then you need to assert yourself.
Oh this will lead 100% into an argument and I’m sort of scared of even trying. I want to reconnect with old friends but again whenever I try to even bring an idea up it’s met with a passive aggressive “okay well do whatever you want” or like with that last friend she made me drop she’d say things like “don’t ever ask me to play x game with you if you’re gonna be playing it with her” but when I show even the slightest hint of being upset about her friends she immediately says that they’re just friends and I shouldn’t be acting that way
Real question: what about breaking up? You sound stressed out about even being in this relationship and that’s no way to be with someone.
You’re allowing her to control the agenda by reacting to her passive aggressive comments while she dismisses yours.
Don’t feel like you have to “bring up an idea” for her to agree to, if it doesn’t involve her. When she says “do whatever you want” then Do. Whatever. You. Want. And if she says “Don’t ask me to play that with you…” say “OK, no problem.” And then NO, do not be upset about her friends.
Again, there may be fights and you may end up single. But what she is doing is unsustainable when it comes to your happiness or mental health. So if she can’t adapt, it’s better that you find someone who will treat you as an equal.
I have said I’ll do whatever I want but it’s always followed with a “I want space”, “I don’t wanna talk”, or her doing some substance after our arguments when she’s been trying to stay sober so it feels like it’s my fault. I’m not upset about her friends, sadly I mirror a lot of stuff when it comes to my relationships that’s my own issue. But before she started bringing up stuff about my friends I never ever said anything about hers, maybe just about her getting home at 3-4am and disappearing on me the whole day for a party but her people were never an issue to me
ESH. You’re long distance but still checking each other’s phones, setting curfews, dropping people. This whole relationship sounds toxic and exhausting.
NTA.
You need a girlFRIEND, not a prison guard.
Protip for all the kids out there – no good will ever, ever, EVER come out of you digging through their stuff or you digging through theirs.
Well, I’m certainly not reading THAT wall o’text. PARAGRAPHS, PEOPLE!
Your partner isn’t relationship material. You need to work on your self-confidence and insecurity. A good first step is to dump her. A good second step is to not date anyone who demonstrates this behavior or, if you’re already dating, to dump them.
Never drop a friend just because your partner asks. That’s controlling BS and it’s unreasonable. Also, don’t let your partner have access to your phone and don’t expect access to theirs. Privacy is important in a relationship, regardless of what some less secure people might think.
You gotta ask yourself if you’re ok being with a controlling hypocrit. dont open up to her anymore than you already have, she will definitely use it against you in a future argument/disagreement. Stop trusting her words and instead go by what her actions have shown you. that will show you exactly who you’re dealing with. And she probably does think you’re a “b”, if you agree to everything she asks of you no matter what. she trying to gauge if you’ll bend when she trespasses boundaries and every time she does and you let it slide, she loses respect. The man is supposed to lead, but what woman would follow a man that folds on his boundaries? Sick part of it is, at this point the only way she might regain respect for you is if you break it off and go radio silent. Im serious, thats where some women push it to, you will actually have to leave her and not double back and try with someone else, and thats when she might realize she lost a good thing. but not before then, they not hardwired like that. starting today/tonite, look yourself in the mirror and run and mentally establish what behavior is unacceptable, where once you state it to another and they step on that line thats a wrap. As a man, say what you mean and mean what you say and stand firm in your position. just dont expect the same from women – where they lack physical muscle they make up for in calculation and manipulation. if you see any manipulation thrown at you walk away. Actions speak louder than words everyday of the week
Im a girl
YTA for not using paragraphs and rambling. And for not explaining what an “hg” is.
Instead of rambling on and on, just …. just say what you think. Argh! That hurt to read.