I am 27 I work full time and I have always paid my own way I am not broke I am not irresponsible and I am not looking for a free ride
But here is the thing I do not believe in splitting bills fifty fifty in a relationship
My boyfriend Daniel and I have been together for a year He recently suggested we move in together I was open to it until he said we would split everything exactly down the middle rent utilities groceries
On paper that sounds fair In reality he makes almost double what I do
If we split rent fifty fifty I would be left with barely any savings at the end of the month while he would still be comfortable I suggested we split proportionally based on income He said that was not equal and that it felt like I expected him to take care of me
That hurt
I am not asking to be taken care of I just do not think fairness always means identical numbers If we are building a life together should it not feel balanced for both of us
Now he is saying I am being entitled and old fashioned I am starting to wonder if I am
Am I the asshole for thinking partnership should feel equitable not just mathematically equal
NAH
It depends on what you want out of this relationship. Most of the “love” matches you hear and read about don’t have someone figuring out finances and 50/50. Friendships can and do. I would sit down with the bf and decide what you are going for and why.
INFO: have you proposed a model of cost sharing that seems more equitable to you? What is it? He may not be so indignant if you showed him a model where you are bearing a cost that isn’t quite so crippling, but costly all the same.
He’s your boyfriend, not your husband. He is not responsible for you. Find and suggest a cheaper place you can afford to pay 50% of the rent and if you can’t do that then break up.
NTA – An equal split can’t really be fair if the budgeted amount for joint expenses is not based on the income of the lower earner. He wants you to live within his means rather than within yours.
Personally, I would tell him what you are comfortable budgeting for expenses and that if he wants an even split you need to look at places that are double your budget. He if wants something more expensive he needs to pay the difference. You need to reframe the conversation to be less about how it will be split and more about what price range you are comfortable with.
Are you willing to go 50/50 assuming it’s based on your budget, not his? That might be a way forward.
But it’s also reasonable to rethink a relationship based on this conversation. What are partners even for if not to take care of each other?
I find this one tricky. In a long-term committed relationship or marriage sure, your finances are more combined so it makes sense for people to take different roles and pay different amounts. But you two have only been together a year. What do you do about rent now? Can’t you find somewhere that means you can afford to go 50/50 without draining your savings? If he is adamant he wants to rent somewhere outside of your price range, then yeah he needs to step up and cover the extra cost, but otherwise I think you do need to pay your way.
NAH for now, but it depends how you both choose to deal with this.
50/50 will not work if one partner is financially content while the other struggles. His proposition will make you more dependent on him anyway because you’ll have less of your own money to spare. I think you should show him a budget of how much you’re able to comfortably contribute to those expenses with your salary. He can either work with you to accommodate that or you guys are not ready to live together. NTA.
NAH but I think after a year, that’s much too soon to be expecting anything other than 50:50, but that’s just me and what I would feel comfortable with.
That said, if doing 50:50 in your first place together, the one who earns less gets to decide the budget. If the one who earns more wants a fancier place, extra features like garage or more bedrooms/office, etc, then they pay the difference.
MTA, depends on how you frame it. If you want to go 50/50 it should be based on the lowest income, the higher earning will just have more savings which is not a bad thing. If you want to live to his means it should be equitable but in return you can take more responsibility, like going for the grocery shopping or taking a larger portion of the household chores. Splitting the costs equitibly and then splitting the responsibilities equal is not fair to him.
If he wants equally shared costs, he needs to accept a lifestyle tailored to your budget. INFO: Have you suggested that?
If he wants a lifestyle tailored to his budget, sharing based on income is the only fair solution if you want to stay together. If neither is acceptable to him, this relationship has no future. Don’t go into debt to meet a bf‘s financial expectations.
This right here, OP. Splitting equally works if it’s tailored to your budget, that’s the most fair. If he pulls the budget up, he needs to pay more for it.
Equality and equity are not the same things. It is not entitled or unreasonable to request things be split proportionate to income. NTA, but I suggest you hold your ground on this one
NAH
I can see both points of view, and either stance can work in a relationship as long as both partners are in agreement with it. But that isn’t the case here.
I would tell your boyfriend “I’m sorry, but I don’t think I would feel happy if I went 50/50 with you. I would be giving up having my own space and spending everything I earn just to scrape by, and you’d wind up having a ton of extra money left over every month. You’d want to do fun things, and I wouldn’t be able to afford to do them. No one could live like that without becoming resentful eventually. I think things are better as they are, at least for now.”
NTA it’s fair that you don’t want to be struggling each month while he builds savings here are really 2 options, live somewhere cheap enough that you can afford to pay 50% or if he wants somewh more expensive, he needs to pay more based on income