I’m looking for an outside perspective because this situation left me feeling really uncomfortable, and I’m not sure if I crossed a line.
I live in Japan and recently helped accompany a very wealthy family I’ve known for almost 10 years on a snow mountain trip. I wasn’t paid for going with them, when I travel with them, I usually eat meals together with the family and sometimes ask them to help carry small personal items between countries, but there’s no formal compensation. I go mostly because I genuinely like the wife (she’s kind, humble, and lovely), and I’ve helped this family many times over the years with logistics when they visit.
We hired a private driver for the day through a colleague of mine at my company. The agreed full-day fee was ¥60,000, which we paid.
During the trip, the wife slipped on the snow and broke her arm. The driver helped us take her to the hospital, waited while she was treated, adjusted the schedule, and generally supported the situation. On top of that, driving conditions were difficult due to heavy snow, and the car had minor issues that required extra handling.
This was clearly more stressful and involved than a normal sightseeing day.
At the end of the day, I paid the agreed ¥60,000. Separately, on my own initiative, I transferred an extra ¥5,000 (~$35 USD) to the driver as a small tip, because I felt he had gone through a lot more than expected and I didn’t feel right leaving it at that.
The next day, a male family member (the one who usually takes charge and is very used to being “the boss”) called me and scolded me for over 10 minutes.
His main points were:
– The driver was already paid for a full day, so anything extra was unnecessary.
– He had already paid for the driver’s lunch.
– He himself helped shovel snow when the car had issues, so the driver wasn’t doing everything alone.
– If drivers “expect tips like this,” he finds it unpleasant and wouldn’t want to use their service again.
– I should have asked him before transferring the money.
I didn’t argue. I just apologized and said okay.
What makes this harder for me is context:
– I’m not an employee or subordinate to this family.
– Over the years, I’ve helped them a lot, including time-consuming and sometimes risky favors, often for little or no compensation.
– I never ask them for money, opportunities, or favors in return.
For comparison, the same ¥60,000 fee would apply if the driver were taking a group of college students who just sit and wait all day with no incidents. In this case, there was an accident, a hospital visit, schedule changes, and snow trouble, it felt objectively different to me.
My friends (and my mother) all said this was such a small amount that it shouldn’t have been an issue at all, and that the reaction was disproportionate.
But now I’m left wondering whether I overstepped by acting independently in a situation involving someone else’s arrangements.
AITA for tipping the driver without asking first?
How did that person find out you tipped the driver? Did this become some sort of issue?
I told him afterward that I had tipped the driver, because I didn’t think it would be an issue and wanted to be transparent. That’s when he became upset and said I should have asked him first.
Ah, OK. Somebody more familiar with Japanese culture should chime in but from my friend who lived in Japan as a foreign young woman, she did get lots of disrespect from men especially of the older generation. I assume you are a woman? I don’t think he would have said anything if you were a man. You are definitely NTA, I think even by Japanese standards he was one – at best his behaviour might be “common” for Japan (or not, I don’t know), but I don’t think that makes it right.
As an American, NTA. Your logic is sound and I agree with it.
But you are in Japan and the culture is different. So my verdict means nothing.
Just to clarify: everyone involved in this situation is Vietnamese. We live/work in Japan, but culturally we are all Vietnamese. That’s part of why this felt confusing to me – it wasn’t a Japanese client/service dynamic.
You were NTA. You did good by tipping extra after all that the driver did for the family. The AH is the family member who scolded you.
NTA
I won’t pretend to know what tipping culture is like in Japan, I only know what tipping culture is like in America.
Could it have been that he was upset because he might have been embarrassed for not having thought of tipping the driver before you thought to?
NTA. Not anyone elses concern what you tip out of your pocket.
Yes and no. I dont think you yourself are an a hole, but put yourself in thier shoes. Some guy who was along for the ride tipped when the family didnt. The driver and family may both feel like you did it BECAUSE they didnt, and you felt that was morally wrong or something, not just that you were trying to be nice.
Basically saying maybe you over stepped a little bit, probably shouldve asked first to give them an opportunity to do it first
NTA, if you wanted to give him money, that’s between you and him and is nobody else’s business. He sounds like a tightwad.
NTA It sounds like you used your connections to find the driver. That is giving you an extra sense of responsibility, as the job they agreed to do ended up being more work than their routine day. You want to keep you connections happy to help, feeling fairly compensated, and this amounts to a thank you for the extra, unexpected work and stress.
The money you gave as a tip was YOUR money so no one has any right to criticize you for it. NTA
This isn’t about the money. This is about him having control. You took it away from him & he didn’t like that.
INFO: Was the money your money or the guest’s money?