First time post so let’s hope I can make this make sense
For context : I live with my parents. They asked me to move in with them to help with both family business and the health of my father. I pay rent, work and contribute to the household needs/chores and I’m an adult.
AITA?
Last week I told my parents of plans for me to go on Saturday to bake for Christmas with my siblings.
Saturday comes, they are out doing things and I pack up a few of my baking utensils along with a small bag of brown sugar (belongs to the house/parents) and a hand mixer (also belongs to the house/parents). Everything else I needed to bake I either bought or already owned and the sugar I figured I would use and buy a new bag to come home with.
Saturday around 6pm I get a call from my dad asking where I am. I told him I was baking with my siblings and reminded him I had already told him. He then asks if I took the brown sugar. I told him yes and that I would replace it with a new one on my way home. While on the phone I hear a loud HUFF from my mum in the back. Aparently at 6pm on a Saturday shes decided she is also baking and is pissed I took the sugar. My response to them was that they are closer to a store than me but I’m more than happy to pay for the sugar they get and I think that it’s done.
A few moments later I get a nasty condescending voice note from my mum complaining that she has had to stop baking twice and demands I bring the hand mixer back that second. My sister happened to open this voice note and the whole house heard and gasped as they listened. My sister snatched up the mixer and returned it. My dad looked embarrassed and took the mixer.
Since then she has not apologized for speaking to me that way and has gone on like nothing happened. I’ve not spoken to her in 3 days. I refuse to be spoken down to instead of simply just asked. I understand if she needed it and our baking schedules clashed but all she had to say was like ‘ah shit I needed it too can you bring it back as soon as possible’ and I would have done just that.
Again context: If I set a boundary and say I dont appreciate being spoken to the way she did she won’t be civil she will scream and yell and it won’t be good.
So im not looking so much to solve the issue as much as I need to know if im the dick here….
Im so used to people treating me like an asshole I never know when I’m actually right.
NTA, you gave fair warning, I’d move back out and state if they need help so bad they can hire it because you don’t deserve that.
NTA, move out.
There’s being there for your family and being used by them.
Mad that I took the sugar and mixer? Cool. I’ll move out again and maybe show up for the holidays if I don’t have other plans.
Right? Like I purchase things for myself and they will help themselves with out asking or sometimes with out replacing. The hand mixer and sugar are strictly baking things in the house. Not baking .. dont need them. I should have said I was taking them but a 34 second condescending voice note was uncalled for. Just say hey I need that back and boom im in the car
I can see this from both points of view. There is nothing worse than going to grab something that is missing, but her response seems extra. Very light YTA for not having a conversation before you took household items not knowing if anyone else was going to use them.
Normally I’d say don’t take things without asking, but you told them you’d be baking and it’s only really a bag of sugar. NTA. Families use stuff up all the time; it’s part of family life. And you said you’d replace it. Not as big a deal as your mum is making.
The real question is, how long are you prepared to put up with this? It’s not about the sugar and mixer; it sounds more like control. They’re calling you demanding to know where you are… I’d rethink my living arrangements.
Nta it’s like she got the idea from you and then was pissed off she couldn’t do it too. The last bit about boundary setting made me think this way. Like she’s almost wanting the argument.
In all honesty though, you should have asked before taking a utensil like that, but at the same time her over reaction wipes out your small misstep. Someone else said food items going is just family life, they’re right. Her reaction makes her the ah though. I stole my mums mixer without telling her and the most I got was a text asking if I had it and when was I bringing it back.
NAH. I don’t think “I plan to bake with siblings” means “I plan to take small appliances” so what I see here is a understandable bit of confusion that escalated cause you and your mom don’t know who to communicate but given y’all are currently not communicating, thats really just reality realitying so yea, yall need to work that.
ESH.
Your mom is an asshole for being so rude.
You’re an asshole for taking household supplies without checking. I know you told your parents you were going to bake with your siblings, but that isn’t the same as saying “I need to take the hand mixer and the sugar, is that OK?”
Info: why did you take the mixer and not tell them?? Telling your parents you’re going to bake with siblings doesnt tell them you’re taking sugar and a hand mixer
It’s not a family household. You’d informed them in advance. Then your parents made an arbitrary decision to bake…. there should be give and take in a household if it’s a family. This isn’t it. It’s you being there to help provide for them and they not reciprocating. I suspect that they have issues with your initiative and the fact that you were somewhere that you felt you belonged and were wanted. You may want to make an exit plan here for sometime soon.
Regardless of who the AH is, your parents have already shown you they don’t value your contribution. If you can you should move out
Nta- there were several different times that your mom could have baked. It just so happens to be at the same time on the same day as you are with your siblings. Then everything “missing” was a demanding phone call or voice message. Then you can’t set boundaries bc she will yell.
This sounds more it is more about controlling you and that this is the start of many more fights and guilt trips.
Just move, they obviously don’t need your help they need a whipping post. You moved in to help, as an adult they don’t respect you or the fact you gave up your personal space and social life for them.
NTA.
Your parents asked you to move in. They needed you to help with the family business and your father’s health. You pay rent. This arrangement is far more to their advantage than to yours.
Maybe you should have mentioned that you were taking the sugar and mixer, but your mother’s reaction was so far over the top that it’s childish. If she’s going to be that petty, it’s time to be thinking about moving out and moving on. Life is too short to spend it being harassed and harangued by your supposed nearest and dearest. Give yourself the holiday gift of freedom, and let your parents figure out things for themselves.