I (34M) had plans with my dad to drive from LA to Ontario, CA for dinner at a historic steakhouse and a rodeo last Saturday evening. I was really looking forward to it.
My dad had been all alone in the house for a week while my mom and younger sisters were in Europe. My mom had even sent their dog to a dog-sitter for the week!
On Saturday morning my dad asked me for a favor – I drove 52 miles round trip to pick him up after he dropped off his car at the tire shop. Then we went to a breakfast at a place he chose – that neither of us has been to before.
At breakfast, my dad was increasingly uncomfortable. He wasn’t happy with the unhealthy menu, he didn’t like the coffee, the service was slow and awkward. He was probably feeling lonely in the empty house. Then he began criticizing my lack of a career.
And look, he’s not wrong to be disappointed in my lack of adult success. I took 10 years to finish college and haven’t managed to get a traditional job since graduating 5 years ago. I’m overweight (working on it) and have long hair and a beard (intentional) – he can’t stand any of it.
Anyway, my dad asked what my plans were for making more money this year. I said honestly that if I knew, I’d have done it already, and asked if we could move on. He ignored this and asked if I wanted him to pay for therapy, and if I’d "given up on ever having a job." I said no to both and again asked to change the subject.
He kept going – asked if I wanted to be a lawyer, suggested I’d need to cut my hair, asked if I’d talked to anyone about "this." Then he brought up paying for me to go to therapy, again. At this point, I told him he was crossing a line that would be relationship-ending with a friend. He ignored me and continued.
I stood up and said "I’m going, and I’m not going to the rodeo tonight." As I was leaving, he asked "Aren’t you going to drive me home?" I’d forgotten I was his ride, but I was already walking out, so I said "are you kidding?" and left.
Important context: We had this EXACT conversation 2 months ago where I told him that suggesting I need therapy when I’m not asking for it is a personal attack I’m not okay with – and he promised to stop bringing it up. I’ve actually been to a good amount of therapy over the years – so I’m not opposed to the idea on principle. But there’s a difference between going to therapy and being told you need it.
He later texted asking if he should resell the rodeo tickets. I explained I’d asked him to stop at least 3 times and that he couldn’t have expected me to sit through more. He responded: "I don’t know why you set lines. The person who sets lines in the sand is often hostile." Then immediately asked if I could drive him to pick up my mom’s car.
AITA? I feel bad about missing the evening I was looking forward to, but I don’t think I should have to sit through being told I need therapy and have "given up on life" after explicitly asking someone to stop – even if that person is my dad.
NTA
You set a clear boundary. He refused to respect it. You removed yourself from the situation. He appears to have no understanding or remorse for overstepping.
NTA. Your dad doesn’t respect your boundaries. Good on you for putting your foot down. I know it can suck acting like towards a parent but they should know you better than most people. You come to an agreement to never bring up therapy for him to bring it up 3 times today….gross on his part.
Thanks!
Yeah, I mean, his not respecting my boundaries is obvious. I guess I know I’d be in the right to put my foot down with most people – but a parent typically can say more than a friend would be allowed to, right?
Also, like, I am genuinely not doing very well at life. I’m not like a drug addict or anything – but most people have more to show at this point in their lives than I do – especially people with my relatively privileged upbringing. Part of me wonders if my dad is upset that I’m not in sackcloth and ashes over this. Ironically, the main reason I’m not outwardly miserable is mostly thanks to stuff I learned in therapy, actually.
I really doubt more therapy is gonna get me a white collar office job. In fact, I’ve been joking to myself that the only thing I could really use therapy for is processing this breakfast! But maybe there’s something more wrong with me than I’m seeing?
By being what your dad wants to you be, would that make YOU happy? You’re not doing well in life based on your own standards or his standards? Do what makes you happy. Not what makes your dad happy.
I feel like parents are allowed to say more than a friend however, you’re allowed your boundaries.
Actually, yeah. That’s a big part of my frustration with him. I would very much like an office job! I’m not a countercultural person at all. I’ve never even smoked a cigarette!
But he insists on talking to me like I’m resistant to conventional success – really I’m apparently just not very good at it. If anything, I’m resistant to being told my dad thinks the reason for my lack of that success is that I’m mentally ill over breakfast.
NTA… You set a clear boundary that he repeatedly ignored, even after promising to stop. While stranding him was a nuclear move, his refusal to respect your limits and his claim that boundaries are hostile shows he is prioritizing his desire to lecture you over your well being.
I honestly didn’t even realize I was stranding him – I was just leaving the situation since he wasn’t gonna stop telling me I need therapy. To not strand him, I’d have had to also not leave.
But like, I kinda feel like he should have thought about that before blowing past my requests to change the subject so many times. Even if he thought he was in the right, he could obviously see that I was upset by what he was saying – and if he couldn’t see it, well, I’d explicitly told him as much! How much more was I supposed to sit there and take?
After I’d said I was leaving, was I supposed to waiver on that and stick around even longer because he didn’t feel like that boundary counted either?
NAH. I know Reddit is probably going to tell you to go no-contact, blah blah blah. Look, you seem like an articulate and somewhat self-aware guy. Your Dad isn’t handling this the best way, I get that, but it sounds like it is coming from a place of genuine concern. He probably is somewhat justified; 34 is pretty old to still be finding yourself, and if career/finances could use a boost, the hair/beard are not going to serve you well in most hiring situations- that is just reality. Your Dad looking for a way to help, and I’m sorry that he is not dropping the topic when you ask. I’ve found as my parents age, they get more “stuck” on certain ideas, I think it is a weird form of anxiety that happens with older people. That said…even though it is annoying, could it be helpful to take him up on his offer? Therapy is usually beneficial…or, since your Dad is looking to help you, maybe you could ask him to assist with something that you WOULD be open to? Maybe a job/life coach?
ETA- stranding your Dad is not cool. You don’t have to go out with him for the evening after a rocky start, but he’s still your Dad.
The dad is definitely right about the long hair and beard being an impediment to a professional or more traditional job. It is as if he is trying to sabotage himself
First, I appreciate the measured approach.
I also wouldn’t characterize this as “finding myself.” I’m a pretty traditional-minded, earnest guy, on the inside at least. I’m not on some journey of aimlessness – I tried my best and it’s just not working out so great.
Looking back, I might have done better to let myself get pushed out of conventional pipelines and found some alternative way of doing things. But I didn’t – I banged my head against the wall until I got a bachelor’s degree. In large part because other than growing my hair out, I mostly vibe with the golf-playing, scotch-in-moderation set. I’m not sitting in my underwear playing video games and smoking pot. I don’t have tattoos or follow whatever the current equivalent of the Grateful Dead is around the country.
I’ll even agree with you that if I wanted to fully optimize for job searching, of course making myself look as bland as possible would be an effective move. Not a sufficient one, but it wouldn’t be ineffective. I don’t think it’s the key thing, though – and it would feel like an act of abnegation to do it. A fundamental disagreement here is that I’m pretty confident that if I keep trying, things will work out. I don’t think being desperate is gonna do anything other than make me depressed and less functional.
But no, the therapy thing is mostly an insult, as far as I can tell. I’ve been to therapy before. I feel like I have a good sense of what therapy can accomplish, and my dad’s idea mostly seems like flailing for something to do so that he’s not doing nothing. The thing is, that was reasonable the first time he brought it up, and we talked it out. It’s a lot less of a reasonable or on-my-team suggestion after he’d agreed to stop bringing it up.
If I could get one thing from my dad, it would be networking. I don’t need him to pay for a therapist, but he definitely has an impressive professional network that I really feel should get me an interview or two. But he doesn’t seem to want to do that – maybe because he thinks I’m mentally ill or would otherwise reflect badly on him. And who knows, he could be right. But it leaves us at an impasse.
You are not the a hole but he is you went far out of your way to him a favor for free by the way you gave him three chances and he still chose to disrespect you no he can figure it out
NTA. He’s poisoning the relationship with his lack of self control. I have a relative like that, it’s always a relief when he goes home.
What now? How do you keep a relationship with that relative? I don’t want to be that reddit stereotype who cuts off his “abUSiVe pArEnTS!” You know? Like, I do see where he’s coming from – even if he’s crossed the line from concerned to mostly hurtful and not constructive.
But also, the chances of my dad apologizing are apparently lower than the odds of him being in my presence and not laying into me about this topic. And that’s making me feel like even if we do reconcile, it’s going to be completely conditional. “Gee, thanks, pop, I’m glad you like me when I’m making money.”
I didn’t want to test if my dad would still be able to be civil around me if I was struggling – but I’m really disappointed with the answer.
I don’t intend to sit through another meal like this – although if I did, then I really would need therapy!