Backstory: I (29M) invited one of my friends (26F) to stay with me until she gets on her feet. Her previous “home” she was staying with one of her friends that quickly turned toxic. Her friend’s husband tried coming into her repeatedly and to get her out of that I had her move here with the condition that she gets a job and helps with bills. It’s been 2 months with no job now and she helps with chores around the house but the financial burden is still solely on me. I bring up the job hunt every couple of weeks and it’s the same story, rejection emails and hiring managers refusing to talk. What do I do?
NTA
NTA. You need to manage the situation better so you don’t get frustrated as you are now and she doesn’t get blindsided when you ask her to leave.
You need to set specific parameters for her stay with you. For example, explain that you can only support her financially for another month. After that, she will have to leave.
I appreciate your insight, thank you.
NTA. The job market is tough, but not ‘zero jobs in 60 days’ tough if she is willing to do labor or retail.
NTA
The agreement was that she helps with bills. She isn’t. It’s nice that she is doing chores, but in a rental situation, her landlord would have already kicked her out.
THAT SAID, I think if she’s still your friend it would be a real dick move to just kick her out without trying to find a solution. A suggestion would be seeing if you can help her with her applications (reading CVs, cover letters, etc), and a bank loan to pay you back for the rent.
It depends if you believe her or not about her job hunt and what it means hwlping out with chores.
It may well be that it’s taking a while to find a good job. The job market is tough right now. But you see her, see if she is really applying herself to the job hunt or it’s lip service.
Same with chores. Does she do a little, split them down the middle with you or is she taking on more than you since she is home while you are working?
When you’re covering expenses, do you mean rent, utilities and her food? Or are you paying rent and the increased utilities and she takes care of her personal expenses herself?
Everyone can get in a tough spor and need some help and goodwill. It really comes down to whether or not she’s really trying or she is coasting. NAH without more info.
I pay for everything, she has zero income.
She tells me she has applied for jobs and I want to trust her but the stories are getting a bit far fetched with her rejections and run ins with hiring managers. I truly want her to succeed but not if it’s gonna ruin my finances too.
NTA. Even if she can’t get hired yet, there are still ways to earn money online beermoney, freelance, resume makers. I’d rather make a few bucks a day just so I can contribute a little each week rather than be someone’s burden.
Give her an end date
There is always work. If only there was a desire to work.
Job hunting is hard, and I understand why you (and likely she as well) would be frustrated. I also understand why you feel it is not your place to support her more than you already have. It is nice she is helping out, but that isn’t what you signed up for.
That leaves you with being firm with your boundaries (may not go well, but is NTA, given what you have already done for her), or being compassionate and giving her more assistance.
Can you help with her search? Find her a job-hunting club, a temporary agency, contacts within her profession, linked in help (is that even still a thing?), volunteer stuff that is career building, internships that are career building. It can’t be good that she has been a couple months without work, and that she was being supported by a friend before. Has she ever been independent?
You won’t be the asshole if you throw her out, but it still won’t go well for you, socially. No good deed goes unpunished, and it will be perceived that you took on responsibility for her, then ditched her.
Nta, having the financial burden of having to support somone is hard especially if you dont think they are putting in enough effort to get back on their feet. If you feel like it’s too much for you personally theres no harm in asking them to find somewhere else to stay.
Maybe if you come onto her repeatedly, another friend will take her in?
NAH, probably.
You gave her a condition in the beginning. The condition has not been met. It’s only been two months so it is entirely reasonable in the current economy in most places that she has not found a job yet, but the financial burden on you is still real even if it is understandable.
It might be best to now not just give the condition but a time limit. “Listen, friend. I am happy to house you and you are a great housemate. I really appreciate the work you put into the chores and I know the job situation is hard. But the thing is, in the long term I will not be able/willing to financially support us both. If you haven’t found a job that pays for your half in X months, you’ll need to look for another place to stay.”