I’m 26M from India. Did my masters in US. I have always been an introverted, shy, A’s in school/college, & a sensitive kid. Any conflicts in childhood got me all teary. But I overcame all that, went to US alone, no bad decisions or vices.
I worked under a professor in US for quite some time but seeing the bad job market and visa issues, I decided to come back at my own will. Now I work in my father’s business. My father keeps telling everyone “ I brought him back from USA” . That kinda hurts me as it was completely my decision, & this makes it sound like it was his.
My main issue is control ig. I’m not complaining cause I’m some entitled kid who has never worked anywhere . I did lot of odd jobs in US like cook, dishwasher etc. yet I felt respected and free. All my teachers and employers in India and US praised me highly and anyone would say I’m cool as a cucumber. But my father and me have so many screaming matches, fights in front of other people or employees or mostly in private.
He shouts on me for trivial things at times like how to scan a few pages, as long as it gets scammed, I don’t see any issue tbh in how one does it. Personal and professional boundaries feel so blurred at times tbh. Every time the company gets a new contract, he walks 11 km to a shrine, and I never refuse for any official work stuff. But here I refused cause he wanted me to wake up on a Sunday, the only holiday I get at 6 AM to walk 11 kilometers. He didn’t ask to come along as a son, or say that he believes in it and I should join, if he did that, I may have went happily. He came to my room and said be ready at 6 AM. We are walking tomorrow and when I asked why , he says wdym why and went on to say,
“ I didn’t ask you. I told you. “ and this has happened so many times in official and non official things.
We never shared a close bond much ever. My mother was always the mediator between us in childhood and dialogue was a rarity. I felt this changed in my adult years, but now it seems maybe not.
In front of others , he makes a very different picture, one other employee joined in the shrine walk and my dad acted as if I’m loving the walk, it’s not like I had any choice at all. It feels dishonest .
Things got so bad at one point I even had to go to therapy for the first time in my life. It’s surprising how strangers have made me feel belonged & respected and in my own home, I’m struggling. I have financial independence so you might think I’m writing to complain or gain sympathy. I am trying to make our senses of this. My therapist said I’m “fresh meat to the business” and I should adjust. She then gave tips on affirmations and deescalating fights but tbh I’m still not at peace.
Why I don’t leave or get another job is another long story haha, but I am preparing every day till late nights for a government job. Planning my exit finally this time.
So I want your honest opinions, am I the problem ? If yes, I can try to change maybe, accept the problems I have if any.
Its kind of like an outdated form of parental controlling abuse
You can either go or go do something for yourself to avoid going.
Don’t let him win
Otherwise you’ll never leave. You’ll always be a stepping, stool.
You’re a 26 year old adult with a good job and a masters degree. It sounds like you still live at home, though, and work for your father. If you want autonomy, you have to demonstrate that you’re autonomous. If I were you, I’d move out and find a new job. Don’t be in a position where your family can control your life because you rely on them for income or housing. NTA.
It sounds like you recognize that your dad is verbally abusive and you know what you need to do. You experienced independence and you were very happy. Now you have lost your independence and are depressed. Get yourself out of there, even if it’s still within India but maybe to another city. Think of your mental health.
NTA, just young. The more dependent you to are on someone to meet your needs the less likely and free you are to tell them how you really feel. Living at home as an adult is rarely ideal for either the parent or the adult child. Your father’s routine and way of doing things chafes you, but the way you do things chafes him also. Parents know how hard it is to have gotten to where they are and want to instill their values and life lessons into their children. We don’t want you to have to make mistakes (especially the ones we made)and worry you won’t succeed. Sometimes this is expressed as tough love. Conversely, our children can teach us too. They are not our clones, and will learn those lessons for themselves no matter how much we try. They do have insights and know things that we don’t. My 26 year old just moved out again. I am very proud of her, but I can be bossy. The hardest thing for a parent is to admit that your child is grown and you cannot control the outcome for them. Yeah your dad is a little rigid, but he is not likely to change overnight, if at all. Your relationship will improve when you are able to live on your own again. Until then, it will probably be best to choose your battles.
NTA, Just stay vigilant with your plan to move out, with that gov job you got your eye on. Your father is far too controlling and abusive to try changing him in any meaningful way. I don’t know how Indian law handles cases of abuse (verbal or physical), but maybe you could report him to your local law enforcement, it sounds like you have plenty of witnesses to confirm how he treats you.
NTA,
I’m from an immigrant family. (I live in the US though) My father is like yours. Very controlling.
Your stuck in that house and living with him until you get out. There is no reasoning with him. It doesn’t matter if you’re right and he’s wrong. He will never see it. So the best thing you can do is to keep your head down until you have a plan to get out of the house.
To your father you’re just an extension of him. You’re not your own person.
NTA. You are not the problem Your father thinks he owns you because he begot you.
If you can move into your own apartment, even if it’s tiny, you might let out a big sigh of relief at the freedom. You can go home for lunch, if your mother is home, and your father isn’t, to save money. Or share an apartment with other males. This will increase your social life and your contacts, which might help you in getting a government job.
NTA.
It sounds like your dad is screaming at you and verbally abusing you. Did you address that with your therapist?
You have some job experience now. So it sounds like you could apply for a job anywhere in a major city in india and make it on your own.
NTA
My life is influenced by both worlds (India and U.S.). The problem is not the cultures. The problem is your dad. He thinks he is in charge of your life and that you have no autonomy.
You are not totally clear about this, but it sounds like you may be working on getting a job outside of your dad’s business. You need to. You seem to be working on a plan to be able to live in a place of your own (which I know is really difficult!). Keep working to make that happen.
In the meantime, know in your heart that you are NOT disrespecting your elders or your culture. My parents were old-school India (pre-war/WWII/post-war), but they did not treat their children the way your dad treats you, even when we didn’t always live or follow the way they thought was best for us. But your dad is not alone in believing he has the right to use his place in the family/power any way he likes. And there are others who believe that it’s best to submit “to keep the peace” or “to avoid conflict” etc.
All you can do is live your life by your standards – be respectful in the way YOU believe is appropriate; do what you feel is best for you to manage while you live and work under dad’s authority; and work with steady purpose toward freeing yourself from his control. AND be prepared that others – who don’t know what you deal with or who feel free to insert their uninformed opinions into your life or who value placating the elders at all costs – they will tell you that you are wrong. But you WILL also find others who support you and who respect your efforts to live your own life.
Good wishes.