Well its complicated but life always is. So ill try to be detailed and be quick. Past I was a alcoholic, and roommate and I regularly drank, 750ml a day. I met one of her friends, he and I became friends until he found out I liked his sister. Her and I ended up having a thing for each other, and despite me asking she never wanted to put a label on it. So I stopped asking, and it honestly made me feel like she didn’t want me, or to say that she was with me. That it was just a "friend" bullshit situation. So I imploded a bit and made some dumb choices by drinking more and sleeping with my roommate. She found out and basically seemed like she wanted nothing to do with me anymore. It hurt her. I spent the next 5 years missing her and regretting how everything played out. Present, I know I cant change the past but I could change for a better future. I got sober, and focused on work but I stilled missed her. Out of the blue one October I asked her to catch up over some coffee. Little did I know she had just gotten out of a relationship, after a couple of weeks of spending time together we became a couple that November and have been in a relationship since. She wasn’t working at the time, and her daughter was still in elementary, so I took up all of the financially responsibilities of supporting the household. Its been 4 years now since then and she is still barely working, her and I agreed that she would get a job once her daughter was in school. But there has been no change on that. Im bringing in 3500 a month after taxes, 401k, etc. Yet she maybe is bring in 200 every 2 months. Her drinking over the last 3 years has gotten worse, as all she doing is staying at home. Granted she’s cleaning and tidying up but my issue is the promise for 1, and that she wants to tell me im not doing enough around the house when she is literally home all day. I’ve told her that if we are going to split the house hold chores then I expect the financial responsibility to be split fairly as such. In the last 3 years between what I have paid in her portion of rent, phone bill, storage unit, and her using my card for smoke and alcohol. She has spent around 46K in the last 3 years, 15K a year. I have tried voicing my concerns with this and ultimately its thrown back in my face in later arguments that all I car le about is what she can bring financially. She sold her clunker car for 400, so I could finished paying off my 401k loan, after which I took out 12k to move us, pay bill, furnish our new home, and get odds and ends of what was needed and to provide us a buffer zone. But that’s never acknowledged, its usually "I sold my car for you" "you took my independence" "you just want me under your thumb" yet in regards to sacrificing for the house hold i gave up the 2 rifle I got after my grand parents past away, to keep us a float. I love her when she’s sober, but when she’s drunk its always a jekyll and Hyde situation.
In essence, you felt sorry to her, you regretted for years, and she needed a life buoy. So she clutched onto you when you offered her a lifeline while she was down in the dumps.
If, she wasn’t down in the dumps, she probably won’t have met up with you again/gave you another chance. Not even sure it’s gave you another chance since originally she never made it clear she wanted to be with you.
If it’s been four years of not working, it’s hard for you to make her go work. The inertia is strong. Newton’s law states an object at rest remains at rest, unless a force is exerted upon it. Similarly, unless she’s forced by circumstances to make a change, she’s not making changes.
NTA. If she’s unwilling to work and stay sober for her kid, she likely won’t for you either. The longer you put up with her, the more she will take because you are allowing her to.
So you’re working so she can stay home and drink?
If she refuses to get help and treat you with respect, what are you doing?
NTA.
Who’s paying for the booze? If you’re trying to stay sober, being with a partner who’s drunk all the time is problematic. What you allow will continue. It’s your choice ultimately. Try going to some Al-Anon meetings and share what’s going on. Someone will help you there. You’re not alone.
NTA, you got with a girl who didnt want you years prior and once she’s was down in the dumps yall got back together. I get it, sometimes second chances are great. But youre with an alcoholic. Assuming you aren’t one anymore, youre in a sel destructive relationship. She’s going to blame you and come up with any reason not to do it. Youre suddenly controlling and essentially abusive. with no context, I cant be for sure. but asking for sobriety isnt asking too much.
IMO, if youre not happy with the arrangement, it okay to go your separate ways. You don’t have to support an alcoholic who doesnt want help. But helping someone out of this will hurt your. make your choice. cuz its easy to argue she is lashing out due to addiction and just needs helps.
Maybe you should give her independence back. She needs to find the motivation to stop drinking & get a job, or something worthwhile to do with her time. She’s made herself the victim to get out of doing anything for herself (or her family) and being enabled by you. Bit of an ESH, you can’t fix it for her.
You’re living with an enabling an alcoholic.
She has no reason to change her behavior. There’s a reason people say someone has to hit rock bottom before they will change.
You have good intentions, but she isn’t willing to do the work.
Gibe her 30 days notice and have her move out.
NTA
If she’s spending $40+ a day on alcohol she has a SERIOUS problems. She’s a full blown alcoholic and she needs help. Telling her to stop isn’t going to do the trick. She needs rehab.
“12k to move us, pay bill, furnish our new home, and get odds and ends of what was needed and to provide us a buffer zone.” reads like code for “i bought a lot of good meth”
A paragraph wouldn’t of gone amiss
You aren’t the asshole. But you are a sucker. Stop taking loans out of your 401k. That’s stupid. Stop supporting her freeloading ass and end the relationship. You could give her an ultimatum by when she needs to be fully and gainfully employed. This situation means you will be poor and in debt all your life. It’s just not worth whatever trim she’s setting out. Pros and porn are cheaper. Plus- you are sober, she isn’t. Not compatible.
You’re enabling her drinking by paying for it. Stop funding her addiction.