So my best friend just had a baby a couple months ago. I was there and supportive through her entire pregnancy, bringing her food, presents for her and the baby, calling and texting all day every day, and being a shoulder to lean on. She even said herself I was the only friend of hers who stayed constant throughout her pregnancy. Now, I know having a new baby especially as a young mom (we’re both in our early 20’s) is super rough and I fully understand that friendships change after kids are in the picture and I have a ton of other friends with kids so please believe me when I say I understand. My issue is that she will not talk to me at all unless it’s about the baby. I started a new job and told her probably 5-6 times what week I was starting, but every time she acknowledged anything going on in my life, she would ask me how work was and I continuously had to tell her I hadn’t started yet. Anything I send her about myself and the things going on in my life never gets a response. And any time she does respond to me, it’s about the baby and how she didn’t sleep or she’s being fussy or whatever is happening and honestly I’m getting so sick of it. I had my first day of work a couple days ago and was sending her videos about how my day had been going and what I was doing. She opened every single video I sent and she said absolutely nothing to me, just kept sending me pictures and videos of the baby and did not acknowledge anything I had sent to her. I love her and I love her baby but I feel like this is tearing our friendship apart. It’s about a 50/50 split from the opinions I’ve gotten from the friends I’ve talked to about it. I’m a very understanding person in general and I give people a lot of grace and I’m not always the best at enforcing my boundaries but I just feel very stuck in this situation. I know if I bring it up to her, she’ll double down on how hard it is to have a baby and I’m not denying that, but I am of the belief that if you want a village you also have to be an active part of it. The other thing that makes this situation so hard is her family, her boyfriend’s family, and her boyfriend aren’t very supportive from what she’s told me so I feel like if I distance myself she won’t have someone to lean on. All that to say, I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place here and I genuinely don’t know if I’m being TA.
Your friend is probably not sleeping through the night, exhausted, and learning for the first time in her life that she will never again be the most important person in her own life. You might want to cut her some slack as she transitions to learning this new normal.
That said, you should still tell her how you feel… but maybe give it a couple months.
NAH.
Your feelings are what they are. If I were you, I would talk to her. It seems like a good friendship, and you are a good friend. Good friends talk about difficulties. You don’t want the impossible, but rather to be seen as a person. She has a different focus because of the birth. It won’t hurt either of you if you wish for her to show more interest in you and your life situation. From your message, I gather that you think you know how she will react. I tell you from the bottom of my heart that you don’t know until you address the difficulties. Good luck.
She has gone through a major life change and sounds like you are the only one that let’s her talk only about the baby. If she isn’t getting much support from family or boyfriend, it is a tricky situation.
Perhaps you can help her find a new mommy group for her to find a tribe of that can help her navigate this new phase while you can still be a friend.
It sounds like the relationship is running its course since her entire world has changed since having her baby. Which is perfectly fine and normal, but you’ll come across as a jerk if you keep pushing for the same relationship you had when that’s done and over now.
Children change everything and you’re seeing it firsthand, while she’s *experiencing* it. The baby is only a few months old, the baby will need her constant attention until they’re a little more older.
True. I really don’t think OP is asking for the same relationship they had before. I think she is asking for about 5% of what she got before. Even that seems to be more than her friend can spare right now, though.
YTA, it’s only been a couple months since your friend gave birth and she basically has no support, is actively telling you that she’s struggling and you’re upset that she asked you multiple times about your job (but she supposedly doesn’t seem to care about what’s going on in your life despite asking you?) Poor girl doesn’t know what day it is and you expect her to remember your start date? You honestly sound more like the jealous first born child than a grown adult friend. You said you were supportive during the pregnancy but have you done the same stuff since she had the baby? You say you’re understanding because you’ve had other friends who have had kids but were they in the same situation as her with no other support? Sorry but you might have to take a back seat and adjust your expectations for a couple months and accept that you’re going to be at the bottom of her priorities RN while she’s trying to adjust to motherhood.
NAH
Your feelings do matter and it is healthy for your friend to think about something other than baby.
She’s had a major life change and first baby is super intense.
The real question is what you’re going to do now. Accept the new normal? Wait for the babyness to wear off so you can have some of your old friendship back? What do you want in life? There’s no wrong answer: if you’re not really friend-compatable anymore, that is OK!
NAH. You two are living in very different realities—different from your peak friendship days, different from one another now. Stop expecting her to be the friend she used to be, and consider the possibility that she is so Mommed out that she’ll never again be your friend on the terms you want. It happens, with no blame to anyone. Life is change.
YTA because your friend barely has the bandwidth to feel human, let alone care about your life. You say you understand, but you really don’t and can’t until you have a child yourself. Your friend’s entire life is her baby right now and she’s living in a complete brain fog. It’s common to drift apart from friends when they have kids and that’s perfectly okay. It’s also okay to drift back to them later on when you’re in the same life stage.
Just wanting to drop some perspective. As someone who is 7 weeks postpartum, I can honestly say all my brain has literally been altered to care for a new human being, only remembering to take care of me because it’s best for baby. My life revolves around pumping and feeding schedules, what my baby’s poop looked like and making sure they are healthy. Half the time I don’t even know what day it is.
With that being said, your feelings are valid. She’s your friend and you want to feel valued. I don’t think you’re TA for feeling upset, but you would be if you ended the friendship over this. Yes, it does take a villager to make a village. Right now, she is a villager who is drowning to hold up the newest member of that village and deserves some grace. The amount of new emotions that can come with motherhood is astounding, give her time to figure out who she is as a mom and as she rebuilds that new version of herself.
***”I know if I bring it up to her, she’ll double down on how hard it is to have a baby… …. her family, her boyfriend’s family, and her boyfriend aren’t very supportive from what she’s told me so I feel like if I distance myself she won’t have someone to lean on.”***
\—She is in full post partum mode and so her obsession and focus right now makes total sense. However, if her acknowledgment of your life is literally zero, then you are just her therapy animal. A parasitic existence. You give her a choice. If she can’t at least recognize affairs in your life conveyed to her, then there is no actual mutual relationship. Tell her that if she is ready to communicate about your life too, she can reach out.
YTA.
Dude. It sounds like your friend is drowning.
Have you seen up close what life is like the first year of having a baby?
Shes not purposefully ignoring you. She opening up your text and reading it but getting distracted by the baby, or doesn’t have the energy to even think of any type of response because she’s that exhausted.
Yes, friendships are give & take, but right now your friend is in a really hard season of life. She probably doesn’t have enough to give herself, let alone to give to anyone else. She’s drowning, and has no one around her who is supportive. She could easily have postpartum too, which makes everything worse.
You can decide to distance yourself from her, or you can step by and be a concerned friend.
I’ve been stepping in as much as I physically can but I also can’t be the only person she relies on and I think that’s fair.