I (24F) am living at home, and recently have been struggling a lot with mental health. my doctor suspects I may be bipolar. anyways I had an over the phone intake appointment with a psych nurse two days ago. I think it went well. I obviously got emotional as we discussed things.
my mom (60F, ESL) asked me how it went, I said it went well and I have a follow up. then she asked if I was going to tell her more. I said no, I dont really want to talk about it. she says, are you keeping something you dont want to talk about? is that why you wont tell me more? i say no. I dont want to discuss why I am sad for no reason and why its ruining my life. we already spoke about it. so she then says okay fine I will keep secrets too then. I said mom that’s not fair and you know that. she said it is and she doesn’t care.
we drive home in silence. and then I try to talk about why it hurts in the parking lot, and say they asked abt family mental health etc. she doesn’t really respond. when we get to the house, I go to my room and try to cool off and I can’t.
I just went out and said mom I know we’re done this conversation, but it really hurt my feelings that you dont understand why I want to keep it private. and when you said you’re now keeping secrets ini explained that i think i should be given grace to not talk about what im feeling explicitly (which she has given me) and that her response that’s unfair. legally I dont have to tell you anything, but I choose to because I want to. she said well I didn’t hear you say that, and why bring up legally? I can bring up legally too. you kids always need me and then bring up legal .
I said that was not my point, do you get my point? she said yes, so I asked her okay why. why am I upset? she said i dont know. I said it’s that when I wanted to keep something reasonable private, you decided to take away a very important part of our relationship (honesty) and then she said well I didn’t hear you say you didn’t hide anything. and now you bring up legally. im not stupid I understand. I said i dont think you’re stupid, I didn’t say that. do you get my point? and i brought up the legal because im trying to prove my point that i do tell you things even though i dont need to. she said yes got my point in a very whiny tone. she doesn’t get my point.
I can feel it she is sulking in the kitchen while I sit in my room. this is all after zhe talked/complained about whr socially inept bf the whole car ride home. anyways… aita?
AITA: That i told her I am allowed to have my own privacy, even if I live at home.
Why does this make me feel like an asshole: I feel like I did something wrong for standing up for myself because my mother always says im just like my abusive father when I stand up for myself
NTA – You are an adult and you are entitled to your privacy, especially when it concerns your own mental health. Your mom honestly sounds exhausting and childish. You should not feel pressured to share anything about your doctor visits, even when your mom demands it or throws a fit.
Thank you for saying that. It’s nice to see/hear it. I’m just so exhausted and she doesn’t seem to care properly about it. And somehow I have to soothe her, when she is the one who said something wrong. She definitely did throw a fit that’s for sure
I’m proud of you for taking the initiative around your mental health journey. Don’t let your mom’s reaction bring you down or sidetrack you from taking care of yourself. She probably cares in her own way and doesn’t know how to express it properly, but either way you don’t have to share with her. Good luck to you!
Thank you so much, that is much appreciated. And I won’t, I have a clear path to get better and I don’t want to completely ruin my life ( I am struggling now in my medical program due to this mental health issue). She does care, she just has hard times expressing it and I do keep healthy boundaries with her. Whether she knows it or not. Thank you, good luck to you as well!
You are 24. AT some point, your parent(s) have to realize it’s about you, not them. Many folks with ESL (and some where English is a first language), really have no grasp about mental health and its treatments. You could talk for days and they wouldn’t “get it” as it’s outside the scope of their culture, education, and experience.
If your Mom reads, there are plenty of books about mental health struggles and perhaps your local libraries have e-books in her language that would help explain. I bet if you asked a resource librarian for help, they could come up with a list of titles to recommend – they live to be challenged and rise to the occasion to research answers to questions and problems. Your doctor’s office might also have literature available in your mother’s language that is for families to give them insights.
I am glad you are seeking help and wish you only the best. Asking for help is a terrific step!
Yes, exactly. This is about me, my life, and my future. And I need good supports for that. I would like to rely on her as one, but it is been pretty difficult. And that’s absolutely correct, our home country has no concept of mental health. My mother has some experience with my family’s other MH issues. Unfortunately, she does not read well. But, i will look into these library resources i think it will be really helpful! Thank you for saying that as well
Oh, I don’t know where you are in your journey for treatment, but Laurie Santos of Yale has a free class on being happy on coursera, she also has the podcasts: The Happiness Lab. All her recommendations and ideas have foundations in science and really can tip the balance.
Is mom a gossip, stuff like this is currency to some folks, especially parents.
You want to shut it down, just tell her, yes mom we talked about what a petty, controlling, drama queen you are and how it is affecting my mental health, happy now, or should I tell my therapist your childish reaction to not being in the loop for every single detail?
She used to be when I was younger, but it has already been shut down many years ago thankfully. I think she is just hurt and feels excluded which is valid. But at this moment it is not my problem.
NTA Your mom has her own issues and could probably benefit from counseling herself. It sounds like she has trust issues and feels safe only when she knows everything. Although her feelings aren’t your responsibility, maybe reassure her you love her and nothing you are keeping private will harm her in any way.
Absolutely. You got it 100% she does, and has been to counselling. My siblings and I are trying to get her to go again. And you get me/ my sit. I did just reassure her of that, and that i am safe as well. You’re awesome 🙂
When my son reached his teens, his pediatrician would not even let me in the room for his exam. Teenagers are entitled to privacy, and so are 24-year-old adults. NTA
NTA You are allowed to keep your medical information to yourself especially now you’re an adult. In the UK you can do this from a younger age if considered Gillick- competent.
Mental health is a difficult topic and it doesn’t help that too many people think it is imaginary or else use it against the person. To discuss mental health issues needs someone who will listen carefully and not make assumptions. I never found it helpful to discuss it with my parents as they always over reacted. I do hope that your appointments are helpful.
I’m a parent and certainly never asked my child for medical info after they passed the age of 16. They do actually share their medical info with me unasked and I’m delighted that they trust me. I don’t share their medical info with anyone including their dad unless I know their dad has been told (we’re separated).