First time poster so bear with me but,
I am 25 years old and have been a tenant in my first apartment with my mother for the past 6 months. Sometime last year I broke up with my ex girlfriend, moved out of her place, lost my old job.
I was at very low point in my life and stayed with my sister for some months until I found a new place, signed the lease in my name and placed my mom under it as well because she helped with the security deposit as well as first months rent.
I also got a new job and since then I have been paying for utilities & internet myself and half the rent with my mom. When we found the place she said that she would look for a place of her own but she hasn’t been doing that at all.
Yesterday while I was working she asked if my nephew can play my ps5 I said it was fine, but I got home and she left him with me for a couple of hours, I tried texting and calling her asking if he would be spending the night, if he has school in the morning, he started saying my sister (his mom) is kind of homeless so I kept trying to get general information like if he would be staying with us for more than a day and was not getting no responses.
I love my family and of course I don’t mind trying to help them but I would at least like to be informed about what’s going on in my living space, my mom said she doesn’t need to check up with me on anything and that led to a whole argument, I told her I loved her and just want her to do better as she is 50 years old but stands on her way of thinking in her own words she said “I’m not ready to grow up” she also told me a few times that my opinions and feelings don’t matter to her. I’m trying to build a structure and life for myself but sometimes feel like my self destructive family tries tearing me down, am I wrong for asking my mom to inform me on certain things or even for some respect? Sometimes I feel like I’m going crazy and she tries gaslighting me by saying I need medications, but I don’t believe that as I feel l am growing and maturing everyday emotionally and financially I’m getting better than I was a year ago.
NTA. You are paying for half the rent and utilities. You are roommates and she needs to respect boundaries. What you are asking is below the bare minimum. If I had a roommate I would require that they at least get my permission before inviting someone to stay over. The fact that she is your mom complicates things, but that dynamic changes when you pay for 1/2 of things.
YTA. Perhaps you didn’t notice, but your sister who once helped you out when you were homeless is “kind of homeless”.
That should’ve gotten you to razor focus on that and not mutual respect from your mom. I’m not even saying she is in the right on that, but I am not concerned about what ever verbal nonsense between you and your mom.
I am concerned about your possibly homeless sister (and minor child??) and she did not house me for a few months in my very low point.
Priorities.
>I love my family and of course I don’t mind trying to help them but I would at least like to be informed about what’s going on in my living space, my mom said she doesn’t need to check up with me on anything
Both issues can be dealt with on their own merits. OP can be informed and asked and can still decide to help out their sister and nephew. The mother can’t just decide that as the parent she still gets to act as if OP were a minor who has no say in anything, even about who stays or lives in the home. OP at the very least is an equal as far as the apartment goes.
There is no need to think,”Helping my sister is important, so I’ll just go along with my mother insisting she has the right to act like a dictator in the home — which in the long term is supposed to be mine, with me at least an equal to my mother while she’s here.” OP can get on board with helping the sister, while nipping in the bud their mother’s attempted coup over who is in control of the home. It’s important that she knows that she isn’t sitting in total control as the parent as she was in her children’s childhood.
That is a very fair point and I acknowledge that. However, the “homelessness” isn’t really confirmed my mom stated that she isn’t and I did end up calling my sister who just didn’t confirm that with me, she probably got into an argument with the Boyfriend she’s living with and wanted a break from the kid but I have no control over anything that happens.
If I could help with giving him a place to stay for some days that’s fine but I would like to be informed and be ready to prepare for a child in my studio apartment rather than getting off of work and being surprised by it. Also just blatantly being disrespected by mother but ig that’s a different post.
I know! Thats why I’m saying your an asshole!!!
You have been WORST off than the child/sister yet your not worried bout paying it forward, not bout making sure they are good, your more worried about respect.
I think thats shitty and ungrateful given its the very family member that covered you!
That your first thought is “why wasn’t I informed” instead of “what can I do” is really really shitty to me.
> If I could help with giving him a place to stay for some days
v.
> stayed with my sister for some months
Sucks man. Days??? YOU WERE THERE FOR MONTHS!!! The sister who housed me for months could stay in my house for a week before I even asked what gives.
Okay, I agree I am an asshole. But I also believe she could’ve talked to me about things and last month I called her myself and told her I wanted to help pay my dues forward by putting some money aside $20 from every check and put it away for them and at the end of the month I called give it to her but she said I didn’t need to do that
I think NTA. Not only is someone living in your apartment suddenly, it is a child who was left in your care with no kind of adknowledgment that this was happening. This should have been some sort of conversation that included you.
NTA In actual fact you wanting to be informed and asking for mutual respect *is* you being grown up. It’s your mother who needs to adjust to the new situation and new relationship between you — where you are not a minor child in her home. She can no longer have the attitude that your opinions and feelings don’t matter to her, because you are an adult with equal status in the home you are both renting together. It sounds like you are paying more than your share, and if the lease is officially in your name (it’s not clear if she is on it in some capacity or not) then you are the one whose home *she* is in. At the very least you should be equals.
If you are the only one officially on the lease, have the ability to pay all of the rent yourself, and want her out, I would get serious about getting her to leave. As it is, she is trying to bring her old status as the parent in control over to your apartment — the claims about you not being grown up and the like are justifications for her thinking and acting as if you are still like the minor child you were in the past who she can just ride roughshod over as the parent solely in control of the home. She needs to come to terms with the fact that is no longer the case.
NTA. You have every right to have a heads-up about who is staying in your home and for how long, regardless of the circumstances. It sounds like your family dynamic has some History, so that may be underlying some of this, but in general I suspect your mother is having trouble with the transition from “my child” to “my adult child”. Without that, “my roommate” is an impossible leap.
Given your aside about having a toxic family dynamic, this may not work, but you should try talking to her about specifically how you’re an adult and you deserve the respect of a fellow adult, which means not blanket-arranging an unknown period of your time with no warning. What if you’d planned to be out this weekend, and she’d expected you to be home watching your nephew and taking him to school on Monday? What if you had appointments, or a work shift that didn’t allow for that? You need to have a voice in these matters.
If, as I suspect, talking to her about respect doesn’t work, talk to her about moving out. It doesn’t matter if she’s not ready to be an adult, she is. You might consider starting to save for a downpayment of your own on a different rental that doesn’t have room for a roommate.
NTA
If you were living with a regular roommate (as most 20 something year olds do) this would never be a question. Roommate should always let the other people know when someone is going to be hanging out in their shared spaces.
Your mom isn’t used to having to ask her child for permission for things. I get that may feel uncomfortable to her, but you are no longer a child. You are her peer and paying for your share of rent and utilities.
But based on her reaction….telling you your opinions and feelings don’t matter to her and that you need medication, etc. I think you’re in for an uphill battle with her.
I’d suggest sitting down with her at a planned time and calmly stating that you need her to treat you like an equal in your living space where you are paying your portion of the rent and utilities. If she is unable to do this, you’ll need to look into changing your living situation when your lease is up (which I’m guessing your mom would not be happy with since she has not attempted to move out like discussed).
It is common courtesy for roommates, whether family or not, to inform others when inviting people to stay.
I don’t know how old the nephew is, but children of whatever age should expect certain rules to be in place for their health and welfare – so it’s really important to know if a kid’s going to stay, roughly how long, and have a discussion of rules so everyone is on the same page (homework before gaming, meals at the kitchen table, bedtime at X o’clock, limits on electronics, what’s open for snacks and what has limits (or is off limits), etc.
Reasoning won’t help. She just told you “she also told me a few times that my opinions and feelings don’t matter to her.” Believe her. Work to get out of this crappy lease with someone with no respect for you and continue growing.
NTA.