Did I overreacted in this situation? In need of some guidance/advice:
I recently got into a new relationship about a month ago and sent over a photo of me and my current boyfriend to my mom. She congratulated me, and said that she was excited to meet him. I was planning on visiting her after Christmas in California. My boyfriend is also going to California to visit his family, and my plan was to spend time with him after New Years before heading home.
Last night, she accidentally sent me texts that were meant for my uncle. She shared the photo I sent her, which I would’ve been okay with this if she had asked me first. However, in the texts, she commented that she was worried that my current boyfriend’s hair was too long and that she really liked my ex boyfriend who I haven’t been in contact with for three years. I’ve told her multiple times before the reason why I broke up with my ex is because he pressured me to do things I was uncomfortable with sexually. He stalked me multiple times after the break up, which prompted my ex’s mom called my mom about to warn her. Then, my mom proceeded to send a photo of me and my ex.
I had a panic attack last night. I texted her back that I was pretty frustrated that she had sent the photo without letting me know and that she keeps bringing up missing my ex despite knowing what he had did. I then said I was considering canceling the trip to see her, and she responded that she was sorry and she understands if I do cancel. Then she said the reason why she had meant to text that exchange to my uncle because he was wondering if we wanted to visit him for Christmas. She said that I was going to visit her and my boyfriend. I feel pretty horrible by the way I reacted, but it feels like I have to constantly remind her to respect my boundaries. I’m still on the fence about visiting my mom. What do you all think? Is there something I could’ve done differently in this situation?
NTA
Unfortunately it doesn’t sound like your mum has your back over something that’s really important.
NTA, your mom is definitely in the wrong here, and if you get the opportunity, hammer it into her that she should respect your boundaries. Also, that bringing up your ex is not acceptable, given your history.
That said, ig if you feel like she made a genuine mistake then it’s better to be gentle when explaining, but still firm, so she understands not to do it again.
As for whether or not to visit her, that might depend on whether or not it was a genuine mistake. Did your mom end up sending the messages to your uncle? Because if so, then that feels more messed up, than if she rescinded and didn’t send them.
NTA maybe a slight overreaction about the picture being sent….
but I’d be crazy mad at my mom for still talking positively about an ex that used force to get sex and stalking. This lady should hate your ex permanently. It feels like betrayal for sure. You have to aggressively put in a boundary that she can never talk about your ex like that to you ever again. She does seem to show remorse so you don’t need to be rude to her, but the boundary needs to be in place and respected.
NTA. So obviously NTA that I almost wanted to downvote you for responding to your mother treating you this way, by even considering for a second that you might be TA…
Her excuse for texting your unc doesn’t even make sense in relation to the texts she was sending, and even if they did… Finding out my mother judged my BF’s “too long” hair more than she judged the stalker/SA ex? I’d want some space to parse that.
Yeah that part is what really sticks. Sharing photos and praising an ex who caused real harm crosses a line. Taking space to protect yourself is reasonable, not dramatic. Boundaries only matter if they are respected.
NTA
Sending the photo along to others without specifically asking you for permission would have been a minor thing, and not worth threatening to cancel a trip over on its own, but the other issues here are much more of a problem.
The comments on your current boyfriend’s appearance are more of an issue, in that your mom is complaining about his appearance to other relatives behind your and his back, but the big problem here is her continued interest in your ex. It’s frankly very concerning that she is doing anything other than completely leaving him and any mention of him out of your lives now, let alone talking about how much *she* misses him.
Honestly, in your position, I would have this ex be a *super* hard boundary with her from now on. Let her know that you won’t tolerate her trying to bring him up or talk about him anymore, and then stick firmly to your guns. If you’re on the phone with her and she brings him up, hang up on her instantly. If she texts you about him, block her number for the day. The two of you are physically together somewhere and she brings him up, leave or kick her out, as appropriate for the location. If nothing else, Pavlovian conditioning will eventually kick in with her.
NTA the photo thing is kind of an overreaction, she didn’t post it to social media she showed it to one person. But the harping on your ex is what’s problematic
NTA
Next time mom starts in about missing your ex, point out that intercourse by coercion/under duress is r^pe in a lot of jurisdictions, and definitely in California, so she’s basically talking about missing a predator who sexually abused her daughter.
Maybe putting things in the jarring light of day will get her to shut up.
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Reference:
> California Code, Penal Code – PEN § 261 – section (2) If it is accomplished against a person’s will by means of force, violence, duress, menace, or fear of immediate and unlawful bodily injury on the person or another.
Are our moms sisters? Mine has done similar to me and my contact with her keeps dwindling.
Time to start the information diet with your mom. Her first priority should be you and your wellness, not who she wants for a future son in law. After 3 years, and still wishing you were with your ex, it proves she does not understand anything. Learned even less. She does not have your back.
To go you’re friends for the support you need.
It’s also possible that she may be cool towards your new boyfriend and be worse by bringing up your ex. Something to be aware of that may happen, or not.
You’re not a jerk for your initial reaction, you were hurt. Understandable. What is important is that you’re not visiting because you don’t want to and not to punish her.
NTA
Tell your mom to go sleep with your ex if she’s so into him.
NTA.
The silver lining here is that you got a little insight into what your mother thinks and how she handles your “confidential” information.
It up to you whether you visit her. But I think the “natural consequence” of her betrayal is for you to not share any information, photos, etc. with her, that you are not ready to publish to the world.
When she wants to see photos, or hear what you’ve been doing, say *”Sorry, mom, but I’m not ready to share that with the whole world, so I can’t share it with you.”*
NTA. You didn’t do anything wrong. You’ve constantly reminded her of the things your ex has done too you (which were completely unacceptable btw). A decent mother in this situation would probably despise your ex for everything he has done to you. You haven’t done anything wrong. There wasn’t a better way you could have handled this. You’ve handled it great.
OP…
I’d send your mom a link to this post. Let her hear how utter strangers are more concerned than your own mother about you and your safety.