EDIT: i dont think i mean confront, but i mean it in like a "am i crazy or was he being rude" apporach to my friend
I (F), my best friend (F), and her bf were in the same hs friend group, and now we are in college. I was never that close to her bf, lets say his name is Martin, and now I only see him when he is with my best friend when i am meeting her. Us and our friend group banter a lot, and somehow I always felt like he looks down on people a lot.
A recent convo we had, we were talking about our plans for our summer internships. I know stuff like GPA and internship is a very stressful topic for college students, so I usually avoid asking much about these topics. But the topic was brought up, it was normal, but then I felt like he started attacking me. He started asking abt what experience or skills I used for my last internship, I kept answering him with vague answers to see if he’d just accept it or he really wanted to know. Only when he asked for the third time I finally answered like how you would write in a CV description style.
Context: i am now studying in a more specific field of study than my previous years in college, lets say im studying finance now. So long story short, we were talking abt how I was gonna look for finance internships. I told him I havent applied to finance internships and have only applied for IT interns (my broad major). I said I want to try applying to big finance companies. He then replied with something like "well you dont have any finance experiences," so i said that we all dont have much experiences because we r college students. and then it went like
Martin: "Ya but your experiences are in the IT field"
Me: "Ya but this is an internship, do they expect like 3 years of professional experience in that field?"
back and forth on that topic
Martin: "No but your previous internship was in another country, they said that they dont look at those experiences"
Me: "Who is they? Not all companies have the same rules"
turns out that "they" is his friend
back and forth on that topic
and this is what pissed me of the most:
Me: "I am going to apply to all of the internship i see (jokingly)"
Martin: "Whats your plan when you dont get one?"
Me: "Idk, out of all the interns i WILL apply to i expect to at least get one"
Martin: "I havent even gotten one"
Me: "But thats you, how does that relate to me"
BACK AND FORTH ON THIS 😂
Martin: "Then whats your plan when you dont get one"
Me: "Idk, you tell me whats yours"
Martin: "Go home"
Me: "Ya thats also my plan" (i meant it as an thats- basically-everyones-plan way)
AITA for feeling like he crossed a line and feeling like he looked down on me? I feel crazy because I’ve been feeling like he does this attacking shit a lot to me and my friends but no one has ever pointed it out, and this convo pissed me off especially when he said that he cant even get an internship when I said I expected to get one + my friend is just sitting there listenjng. I feel like I’m overreacting.
ummmm what is it he said? I don’t see anything but you guys going back and forth on things? He didn’t say anything mean…I don’t see anything wrong so what is there to tell? That he wanted to know your back up plan?
This is the kind of thing where only people who were there could possibly know if he was being condescending or not, because as it is written, it could just be that he was frustrated that in spite of applying for a lot, he hasn’t “even gotten ***one***”. But if he had an attitude of “**I** haven’t even gotten one” (so if I did not get one, how do you think you’ll get one) then it could certainly feel like he is attacking you.
And he might have been fairly neutral / somewhere inbetween those two possibilities, but because of some previous incidents with him where you felt he looked down on you, you might have weighted his words too negatively. Just on the face of it, it seems like a fairly normal conversation among students.
Either way, I wouldn’t think too much about it, and don’t confront your friend about it, there really isn’t enough here to warrant a confrontation.
NAH… yet. I feel like you are overreacting here. Martin is certainly overbearing, but at no point does he attack your character or intelligence directly. We can’t know tone, OP, only you were there for it, but there are plenty of voices for Martin here. My read is on word choice alone is that Martin is just a know-it-all who wants to show off his knowledge a little, and he is failing to impress. Which is appropriate, nothing he says is that impressive.
You’re clear for the back and forth you had with him. You don’t need to listen to his advice at all. It’s pretty obvious he doesn’t have much actual knowledge here, and you don’t attack him, even on that, so, clear conscience.
Martin doesn’t seem A-holish here, just aggravating. Those are not the same things. Would I respect Martin a whole lot here? No, but unless he was specifically mean or extremely judgemental in tone, he’s only worthy of being laughed at, not pilloried.
Which brings us to your actual question. You WOULD be the A-hole if you wanted to complain to your friend/Martin’s GF about this interaction. Discuss it? Sure, but it’s not complaint worthy unless Martin was actually mean his is tone and demeanor.
What possible need could you have for a confrontation? That’s a strong word, and it is not bourne out by what you’ve written or reported here. What did Martin actually do that requires a confrontation? A discussion, sure, but confronting your friend about this behaviour? Again… only if there’s a lot more meanness or judgement in his voice and tone. It’s not worth it in his words alone.
And your relating of the story, which includes emojis and no bad feelings, indicates that it was never bad enough to need a confrontation. Maybe a “Your boyfriend can be annoying” but nothing that we would call confrontation.
NTA. sounds less like normal banter and more like he kept pushing to undermine your confidence, and it’s valid to feel annoyed when someone repeatedly challenges you in a way that feels competitive or condescending.
How does any of this make it appropriate to confront her best friend?
I am not sure anyone is the AH here. But i have learned the power of just stopping the convo with a “dude – I am tired of this subject can we move on” type statement. If the other person continues to push – they become the AH. (Note you have to stick to your guns and even reiterate it more forcefully I.e. “what is your deal with this / why are you so obsessed, etc”)
YTA based on the question in the title. Confront him. Choose not to hang out with him if you don’t like him. Confronting your friend makes no sense.
YWBTA If you confronted your friend.
I think you’re overreacting about this conversation.
I think you made it weird by trying to test him to see if he was really interested or just making conversation. “I kept answering him with vague answers to see if he’d just accept it or he really wanted to know.”
Like, why? And to me, the conversation seems fairly normal. I don’t see anything rude or offensive that he said. I see nothing your friend needed to step in on.
If you don’t want to have the conversation, say so and stop. If you’re bothered about it after, call or text him and tell him how you feel. Don’t “confront” your friend. You’re only going to cause drama between yourselves, especially if you make your inability to say you don’t want to talk her responsibly.
I feel like you just had a conversation
You’re not crazy and NTA. It didn’t sound like normal curiousity. Felt like it was pushy, questioning your experience and then low key implying that you won’t get an internship. The “what’s your plan when you don get one?” comment feels like a projection more than advice. It makes sense that it rubbed you in a wrong way and it’s also understandable that it felt worse with your best friend just sitting there. At most it sounds like insecurity on his side or just bad social awareness, not you being dramatic
Just reading that was exhausting. NAH, but drop it before you become one
YWBTA if you dragged your friend into this. It’s not like he made a pass at you, he was just being annoying. Your mistake was engaging him in this conversation instead of cutting it off much sooner.
To me it sounds like your problem is with the boyfriend. It just sounds like sour grapes between you and him. Is it really your place to put her boyfriend down to her without making yourself look bad?
I’m going to hold your hand when I say this. You had what most of us would consider a normal conversation of the topic at hand. He asked in depth probing questions and even admitted his own failings and asking what you would do in a similar situation. YWBTA if you brought this up to your friend