Hi would I (29F) be the asshole for wanting to go home after spending a little over 2 months by my brother’s (45M) side at the hospital? So my brother got really sick to the point where we thought he was going to die. Thankfully he did not, he is doing much better now. For 5 of those weeks he was heavily sedated so he was asleep 100% of the time. He’s been awake for 3 weeks now and he cannot move much. Due to him being in bed for so long he has lost a lot of muscle mass, and can barely move so right now he is completely dependent on us (me and my mom) and hospital staff for anything. He is going to need a lot of physical therapy, Dr said he’s looking at about a year of it before he can be normal again.
Ok so since I have been here for 2 months and since my brother has woken up he is very needy, (of course cuz he can’t really move on his own rn) and also he’s mean to. He is disrespectful towards me when all I do is help him. Mind you we have 3 other siblings who can pull the weight more but don’t. I have mentioned to them several times I am tired. Being around my brother and helping him is exhausting. I am at the hospital for 12 hours because he doesn’t want to be alone. Our mother is here the other 12 hours. While he was asleep it wasn’t as tiring but now that he is awake, every 5 seconds he needs something. He is frustrated, sad, and angry (I try to understand and be empathetic because he is NPO except ice chips and he’s a big guy \~350 lbs, so he’s starving and thirsty but he is getting nutrition and hydration thru a feeding tube). And he has lost quite a bit of pounds he was over 400 lbs when he entered the hospital. He’s been hospitalized since January.
Anyways I want to go home (I live in Oregon and came done to California to be here). My brother is going to be fine, he is no longer in danger of dying anymore. He needs a lot of rehabilitation and well I want to go back home. I miss my dogs and my boyfriend and my job.
I know me leaving, all my family is going to be mad at me but like they can come and also do shifts like how me and my mom are doing it to keep him sane. But they choose not to.
Anyways would I be the asshole for wanting to go back home after being here for 2 months?
NTA. This is something that is the long haul. You cannot put your life on hold forever and you are not your brother’s caretaker. He may be unhappy, but you cannot be expected to do this forever. The people who are mad at you for leaving WILL lash out beccause it means they may need to actually do something. Let them. You’re not in the wrong.
NTA i can heavily relate to someone being in danger and coming out of it, my uncle has only been in hosp for a week, nearly died and I’ve been to visit most days whilst hes completely sedated and on life support, having to help my parents visit as my dads just had his knee done and my mums too poorly from cancer treatment to help him visit in a wheelchair as well as driving and managing their house.
We’re not even at a point where hes awake and out of the woods yet but It’s nearing that and I can already see how much I’m being depended upon.
Please go.home and live your life. You cannot put everything on pause. The 12 hours in the hospital with him thing is truly mind-boggling. I understand hes had a tough time and is sad but it’s not your job. Just book a flight and go. And text your siblings to say they need to help your mum. Ignore any anger as much as possible. He’s not your child and he also isn’t a child. You have done so so much already
NTA. Sitting at the hospital with a loved one is exhausting even when you’re “not really doing anything”. I’ve been there.
Your brother needs the help of experts. You’re not physically able to help him much and he’s not motivated to try to help himself.
Go home, recharge. Maybe, only maybe, will you have the energy, physically and emotionally, not to mention financially, to be able to help at some future point.
Don’t worry about what others say or think about you. They’ll think badly no matter what you do as it’s likely their nature.
NTA I would go back home. Even if it means that are mad at me.
NTA. As a fellow caregiver I understand both the desire to help and the desire to return to your own life.
Book your ticket and go home.
NTA. You’ve done the important bit. Time for your siblings to step up. He will remember your kindness. Just explain to him that you’re going to go back home now you know he’s stable, but that you will come back and visit when you can. Tell him that it is your other three siblings turn to help now as you’ve been here for 2 months, and you need to get home to your partner and animals.
You’ve done amazing. But now you need some time for you to reset and recharge.
Try not to feel guilty. Life must go on. I learned that when my Mum was terminally ill with “weeks to live”. The stubborn cow went on 11 months. After three months I had to say, look, Mum, I’m gonna need to go back to work now. I came back every weekend to take the stress off my Dad.
Go home and see your family. ❤️
NTA- someone else needs to step the F up
NTA, they’re lucky you’ve been able to put your life and job on pause as long as you have. Many people can’t. Will some people judge it badly? Maybe but the rest will understand that you can only do so much especially having travelled so far to help. He’s out of the woods. Healing and getting healthy are now on him and his medical team.
Let your siblings know when you’re leaving and that it’s going to be their turn to do shifts at the hospital when you do. Let your mother know that it’s her other kids’ turn to step up, and that you’ll call or FaceTime weekly (or whatever) to keep up with how he’s doing. Go back to your life!
ETA: NTA
NTA. You have done more than your fair share of supporting him. You need to get back to your life and have some sense of normalcy, especially with how your brother is treating you. Just because he’s in the hospital and is family, doesn’t mean you have to take his verbal abuse.
You need to go home. I’m so sorry. But he is ok. And your other family needs to do their turn.
NTA. He’s not dying. He’s just really frustrated.
Even if you decide to not go back because you caved to family pressure, stop jumping to every demand. Leave the room for more than a potty break. Tell him that you’re going to take a walk and you’re going to be gone for an hour so what does he want to entertain himself while you’re gone.
Start taking off over night and sleep elsewhere. Your mother, too.
He doesn’t need anyone 24/7 so you and your mother should start weaning him.
NTA Don’t set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm
You have our collective permission to GO HOME. You deserve it.
NTA.