So my dad’s birthday was this past Wednesday. This is his first birthday after my wife and I got married. He works everyday so the only days he’s available is Friday (today) and tomorrow for his big day. I called my parents to let them know my wife and I are coming tomorrow on Tuesday and they both were very excited.
I call today to confirm and dad is still very excited but mom is saying don’t come because her and my father got into an argument. For reference, shes not good as showing face to other people as it’s considered 2 face for her. I try not get involved with arguments between them as they get fairly intense so I asked if she can at least try to show face or maybe resolve it. She says no to both and is fairly adamant on us not come.
So I reluctantly agreed but mentioned we’d have a lot of plans coming up (work/other family/friends) so we wont be able to see them until early January (we don’t celebrate Christmas on the 25th, we celebrate on the 6th of January).
She begins to flip out and say it’s not her fault and that I’m making her feel bad and all. She says we can come and that she can just tell my wife she’s upset with my dad and I tell her that’s a bad look so no. A few minutes later she calls my wife begging her to come and asking her what to cook for us. That’s where I drew the line. I told her I wasn’t comfortable with that because she has no idea what’s going on and it’s not her thing to be involved with this.
I call my mother, she gets upset again and I said she crossed a boundary and has no right to put my wife in the middle of our convo. We go back and forth about how that’s not okay and it’s not a hard request to just be a decent human being or keep to yourself and I hang up. I didn’t say anything harsh or disrespectful for reference, just asked her not to call my wife about her marital problems or planning issues. 5 minutes later she texts me saying I lost my mother and she wishes me a better life without her and that she’s deleting my wife’s and I’d number. Obviously now I feel bad but I feel like it’s a guilt trip so I’m not sure if I’m crazy or not.
So am I the A-hole for wanting to go to my family’s house for my dad’s birthday
ESH. Really, it all sounds so exhausting…
Why don’t you call your dad and take him out to dinner. Don’t punish him because your mother is being difficult.
And meet at a restaurant, like normal people, this is bizarre.
ESH. Honestly stopped reading after mom calls wife begging you both to come. If you want to see your dad, visit. Just go alone. Everyone is making a bit deal and creating drama EXCEPT dad, who’s birthday it is. OP, just take your dad out for dinner, the two of you. Leave mom and wife at home.
This is really exhausting but I don’t understand why your mom couldn’t tell your wife she was upset with your dad. Isn’t that the truth?
NTA, and it sounds like your mom is kinda psycho, making it all about her, and also, she’s PLANNING on being mad at your dad, in 3 days, still. She needs to suck it up and pretend it’s all fine or maybe just make up with him.
You are seeing your father for his birthday. Don’t you even speak to him? Meet him at a local coffee shop for his birthday. Your mother has no right to interfere.
ESH
I read this twice and I still don’t get what the issue is? Tell your mum to get over it. It’s your Dad’s b-day for F’s sake.
NTA. Don’t let your mother isolate your father from you. Celebrate with him separately.
“She says we can come and that she can just tell my wife she’s upset with my dad and I tell her that’s a bad look so no.”
Wait. So your mom has a hard time showing face—you admit as much—but she also can’t let your wife know she’s upset with your dad?
This is for your father but you’re kinda making it a bit about yourself. Just go hang out and enjoy the time with him.
ESH. You don’t think “it’s not a hard request to be a decent human being,” is disrespectful? You both are dramatic AF. Why wouldn’t you let her just say “I’m upset with OP’s dad” to your wife? And her saying you no longer have a mother is just so over the top.
Invite your DAD to go out to lunch or breakfast with your family.
>5 minutes later she texts me saying I lost my mother and she wishes me a better life without her and that she’s deleting my wife’s and I’d number
This sort of disproportionate reaction has been a pattern with her?
This erodes trust, for you and your wife. As in, “what is she going to do next.” And as I assume this isn’t the first time, you must be exhausted having to deal with her outbursts, and irrational behavior. Your poor father.
Good on you for being firm on your boundaries, and defending your wife.
Why not invite your father over to your place, and continue to celebrate his birthday. Talk to him, show your support, and see if there is anything you can do. He may honestly need help, living with someone who seems to be quite unbalanced.
NTA
ESH. Both you and your mom sound exhausting. Your mom had an argument with your dad. That’s between her and him. Has zero bearing on you and your dad. But also, why couldn’t your mom just tell your wife she had an argument? How is that a “bad look” to you and you told her not to?