I’m a 22-year-old guy in the UK with Indian parents. I was raised in the uk and there weren’t many other Indian people in my area, so I’ve always clashed a bit with my parents over cultural things like going out, relationships, and independence. They aren’t abusive or evil, but they are traditionally controlling.
For example, last year my mum found out I had a white girlfriend and completely blew up, threatening to cut me out of the family. We didn’t speak for months because every time I tried to talk calmly she would shout and lose her temper (this is common for her, I have recommended therapy in the past which she refuses.)
For context, my parents own a shop. My dad has slowly become an alcoholic over the last 10 years. I’ve had to break up arguments for years, and over the last few years I’ve emotionally checked out because it’s exhausting. I’ve tried to help him many times but he’s never really changed. I still step in when things get bad because I hate conflict in the house.
I didn’t go to university but I’ve landed a well-paid job. I can finally afford a dream I’ve had since I was a teenager: moving to a flat/apartment in a big city nearby with a friend and living independently in my 20s. We’ve found places and I’m excited. It’s only a 40–50 minute drive away.
When I cautiously brought this up, my mum exploded. She said I’m betraying her, abandoning the family, and leaving her alone with my dad and the shop. In her eyes this is worse because, culturally, sons are expected to live with their parents long-term. I’ve always said that isn’t what I want.
I said this would only be for a couple of years and then I’d rent the flat out as an investment. I’ve helped a lot with the shop and my dad over the years, but I’m drained by the constant tension and shouting. I’m very non confrontational and it’s caused me my first panic attacks.
My two older sisters never pushed back like I have, so I get the most resistance about independence from my parents. I feel guilty, but I also feel like I’m an adult who deserves to live his own life after working hard. I struggle to see why they aren’t happy for me like my friend’s parents are for him.
AITA for wanting to move out?
NTA. Read the book “but what will people say”
NTA. Your parents choosed to move to the UK and rais you there, they shouldn’t be surprised that you learned the local traditions instead of their home culture. You have your own life and want to live it. So do it.
In the UK there are other supports then a oldest son and their daughter in law some day. And if your mom is unhappy in her marriage, there is a simple way out – divorce. You are not there to be their punching back.
Exactly.
This is a problem that many of my friends with Indian parents have had. You’re British. They raised you British but want you to behave Indian, which means your expectations are different. Which must be frustrating for both sides.
But no you’re NTA. Do your thing, date who you’re attracted to, live where you want to live. You’re a grown adult and deserve to live your own life.
NTA. Their cultural expectations don’t have to be yours if you don’t want them. You also don’t have to be the referee between your parents any linger. They are also adults who can manage their own fights and disfunction. Time to go live the life you want, visit them frequently if you wish but no longer let them try to force you to live as they want.
NTA. Your parents moved there with their culture and tradition intact. You have never lived in a country like that. You had culture and tradition at home, but most of you life is outside your parents home.
You have a right to live your own life in a manner that is for you.
Just bear in mind tradition and culture aside. There will come a point when elders need some assistance.
NTA. Move out. Your mom is trying to guilt trip you with tradition. Living at home until you are married may work in India, but you are in the UK. I once heard tradition described as “pressure from dead people.”
You are not responsible for your father or his shop. He is an adult, your mother is an adult. They can handle their own lives. I wouldn’t even promise them that you’ll move back someday. Just move and see where life takes you. Be prepared for tears, guilt trips and threats from your parents. Don’t let them get to you.
NTA. Your parents didn’t have a child, they hired an unpaid emotional support manager. You’re resigning
The panic attacks aren’t a sign you’re wrong. They’re your body’s two-weeks notice
NTA, you have to live your life. You can’t make yourself miserable living in a home that makes you unhappy if you have other options. As others have said, they brought you up in the UK and their culture isn’t your culture. Give them what support you reasonably can, but also live your life and date who you want to date.
Nta – I’m Asian myself so I know exactly what pressure your going through. Your on the right track, get out of there and live your life. They’ll come round eventually.
NTA.
They raised you in a culture that differs a lot from their own, and it up to them to modify a bit to fit in. They can’t expect for you, or your sisters, not to be modeled by the country and culture you grew up in.
You are not wrong for wanting peace. Being a first generation immigrant is hard. Your parents won’t understand where you come from and expect you to be like them, like the people they left behind. But it is not your job to make their dreams come true. Go forth and start living life on your own terms.
NTA. This is a really unenviable situation. There is the generational cultural difference to consider, but at the end of the day, they are adults and should be able to manage their issues.
From my perspective they should be happy that their son is able to live out his dream. It sounds like you have worked in the past to try to get them to help that they need, and they have been refusing. I don’t think that staying there is likely to help them.
I would basically tell them “mom and dad, I love you but it’s time for me to live my life. I’ll still be available by phone, and I won’t be that far away physically.” You could perhaps give one last try to get your dad help for his alcohol use disorder before you go if you think it has a chance of being productive. Best of luck!
A parent’s number one job is to raise a self sufficient, decent adult. Sounds like they’ve managed to do this despite everything else. Time for you to move on with your life. NTA.
NTA but that’s easy for me to say without the cultural expectations. If anyone is putting pressure on you just remember that it’s better to feel guilty than resentful. If someone, like your mum or sisters or family etc, is trying to make you feel guilty remember that it would be much worse to resent your parents if you stayed.