Hi folks! My partner and I have been together for almost two years. We are both in our 30s. When we decided to move together we chose a property somewhat accessible for the both of us in regards to the commute to work, although I have always felt that since he has a car it was more comfortable for him. I, on the other hand, had to take about three different public transportation means to get to work.
All in all, we would both get to work in under one hour which felt fine so I agreed to it.
We signed the lease, all good until my busses started having massive almost daily delays. I then decided to switch to having an electric scooter to not depend so much on public transport. The problem was that one day, 6 months into the commute, I had a pretty bad accident during the commute, fell off the scooter and messed up my dominant arm for a good portion of the next three months. The accident kind of racked me mentally.
I started seeing the ugliness of our new neighbourhood. How empty it is, how dark at night, how there are no coffee shops, restaurants, museums etc nowhere within the range of an hour. I miss my old place that was in the city and above all I became resentful of my partner who doesn’t understand that I feel like I could have been injured worse during my accident and even died if the hit would have been more fatal. I told him this commute is starting to feel like a threat to my safety and sanity.
But he is unhappy about moving again and moving closer to the city. Although he somewhat agreed to start looking together next year, I see how unhappy he is. It will add an extra 20 mins to his commute and he feels that we put too much effort moving now to move again so soon and although I agree, I cannot help to feel my mental health eroding, the tears I am fighting daily due to the pain in my arm, the physical therapies I will have to follow for months to regain mobility… All this make me resentful of him. In my eyes, someone who loved me would up and move tomorrow after what happened.
So what is the consensus? Is this my fault for pushing a sudden move? Should my partner be more understanding? Thanks.
NTA. your partner doesn’t seem to care about you very much at all. i know you are seeing the ugliness of your new area, but honestly i wonder if you are hyper focusing on that in order to avoid seeing the ugliness in your relationship. i would advise you to go stay with someone else for a bit if you can, and have a good hard think about all this. why live further from your work just to stay with a partner who has no concern for your safety or peace of mind? the situation you are in is going to take a heavy toll on your mental health if you don’t make some changes very soon. good luck xx
NTA – Tell husband that you get the car and he can take the scooter to work (or ride public transportation).
The point is, he has everything to his liking and doesn’t care at all how much this is impacting you. If he had to deal with your challenges, I imagine his toon would change.
Even if you don’t actually go through that exercise to help hubby understand how this impacts you, he needs to (1) collaborate with you about how to get both of you as much of the things you want as you both can have and (2) compromise with you so that the sacrifice isn’t all one-sided.
It seems to me that him spending 20 minutes more in the relative luxury of a car while you spend X minutes less in your somewhat less comfortable/reliable means of transportation is a rough pair-off.
Good luck!
NTA. You tried it, and you are unhappy. You miss city living and the commute just doesn’t work for you. Besides moving, are other options possible? Can you afford a car, or share his, or would he help you pay for a car? Can 1 of you find a job closer to the other so you can move and both be closer to your jobs? Can you agree in a city date day or night every week or 2 to satisfy your love for city life? Ultimately, you are right that he doesn’t seem to show much concern with your happiness or well being. It could be that you each crave a different lifestyle, and if he is unwilling to compromise with you you’ll have some difficult decisions to make.
NAH and I’m not in favor of the option to immediately ditch your partner because of this experience. Relationships have their highs and their lows; not every low needs to become the reason to call it quits. You’ve mentioned going to physical therapy. Please forgive the intrusive question, but are you also receiving any therapy to address the psychological wounds inflicted by your accident? Do you feel confident in your ability to both process and communicate (clearly and, ideally, respectfully) your emotions and needs at this time? If there is any lingering doubt that you are able to do so, then the two of you are going to have a hard time no matter what the strangers on Reddit have to say.
Also, IF you decided that counseling was something you needed, is your current partner willing to actively participate by possibly attending a few sessions with you? Please don’t feel obligated to respond; I just firmly believe that these are a couple of important questions to reflect on at this time.
I am wishing you the very best along with a speedy recovery that includes peace of mind. However that looks for you. <3
This was a very helpful and unbiased reply. Thank you for helping ❤️
No, you’re just not compatible with living environment
INFO: why did you move to this location?
If it was because it was halfway between where he works and you work, and moving back to the city mean he now has to commute for over an hour while you get to just walk to work or take a bus for 10 min, you would in fact be the AH.
It’s not fair for him to spend 80 minutes commuting each way to work and back while you spend less than half that just so you don’t have to have a car. He pays for his car. Those things are expensive. And now you want him to pay even more with his time and convenience?
Either way, you’re kind of TAH for resenting him for having a car. He chose to purchase that car. You could also choose to purchase a car. If you did not, it’s not HIS fault. And if it took you the same amount of time to take 3 modes of public transit as it took him to drive to work from your current location, you’re TAH for being annoyed that he is somehow “more comfortable” in the car. Because again, he didn’t accidentally shit a car out of his ass. He CHOSE to spend the effort and money to get one, and you could make the same choice for yourself too. But your time is worth just as much as his and nobody likes commuting.
I don’t think anyone is the asshole here, just different wants in terms of where to live. Why don’t you purchase a car for your self? It would be a safer and more comfortable form of transportation?
NTA but neither is your partner. As someone who commuted 45 min to na hour for work it’s miserable especially when your tired. To ask someone to add an additional minimum of 20 min is hard. Why can’t you get a car? Why can’t one of you change jobs to be closer to the other one? If you have to work so far apart from each other is this really a relationship you want to fight for? This is a really hard decision to ask anyone to make.
Look, one of you is happy staying, the other, going.
As far as I can see, you have limited options:
– you go your separate ways
– one of you capitulates
– both of you find and move to someplace else where you can both be happy
Neither of you are an AH, you both have an incompatible comfort level where you are living.