I (17F) have been with my first ever boyfriend (17M) for a while now. When we first started dating, he pursued me for over a year while we were friends. He was thoughtful, consistent, and made me feel chosen.Before we dated, I had a small hallway-type crush on his best friend (17M). there was some mutual interest back then, but nothing happened because his friend respected that my now-boyfriend liked me.
Eventually, I agreed to date my boyfriend because of how he was treating me. Looking back, I’m questioning whether I was dating him for his potential meaning I loved how he treated me in the beginning and assumed he would always stay that way. I don’t think I was intentionally leading him on, but I’m starting to feel guilty wondering if I liked the effort more than I liked him but I pursed to date bc i believed it was a good foundation that we built.
Now his effort has dropped a lot , I’d honestly say by about 75%. We mostly text, hang out once a week, and lately the relationship feels more physical than emotional. He has a history of getting bored in relationships and not putting in effort, and I thought I could change that. I do believe he’s loyal, but I’m not sure he’s in love with me.
Meanwhile, I’m focused on school, work, and building my future. I want a partnership that feels supportive & intentional emotionally. Instead, this relationship feels draining as I’m giving out way more than I’m receiving and I’m trying to make it work. He’d usually rather hang out with his friends. Instead his best friend prioritizes his GF , considers her feelings, and shows up for her in ways I wish he had. It makes me question whether I chose the wrong person.
I would never cheat, haven’t acted on anything & would never be the cause of a woman’s hurt. But I can’t ignore that I sometimes wish I had picked differently especially with all the time, love and effort I’ve put in that could’ve been reciprocated back if I chose someone else. All I wish is that I had a partner that has those characteristics his bsf has. I also feel guilty for even thinking about breaking up over effort & incompatibility because I’ve always believed cheating is the only “real” reason to leave especially since I’m now attached.
Breaking up because you realize you’re incompatible is the mature reason for breaking up.
NAH. You can break up with anyone for any reason at any time. You’re not into it anymore. He doesn’t seem into it anymore. Making a pass at the friend is a messy move that’ll be messy, so make your calculations on if that mess is worth the pursuit.
It’s hard to want a healthy functional adult relationship when you’re not adults yet.
It’s hard to question if someone’s in love when they’re probably not and don’t understand it yet.
It’s hard to say someone has a pattern at the age of 17 when he’s spend the last year plus trying to be with you and then being with you. You mean when he was 15? Does that even count?
If you don’t want to be with him then end it. It’s okay to be realistic, it’s fine to know that you two don’t have a future, but what you’re expecting seems unreasonable.
Which means that sorry, YTA
You should talk to your boyfriend about what you feel. Keeping all this inside isn’t going to help anyone. You are not attracted to the best friend, you are jealous of his girlfriend. Idk if that makes you an AH writing all this instead of speaking to your boyfriend sure is a waste of time
You’re 17. There’s no such thing as a partnership at 17. But YTA for continuing to date someone you don’t like. And stop thirsting over his friend.
P.S. adults don’t usually hang out with bfs/gfs as often as you seem to think they should
cheating is absolutely not the only reason to leave and you need to get that out of your brain now, while you’re young. that’s a suuuuuper naive take. you are 17, just move on. you will date lots of other guys who will treat you better. don’t settle for less than worship
It doesn’t sound like you’re wishing you dated your boyfriend’s best friend, it sounds like you wish you had a partner who is prioritizing and showing up for you in the ways that you want.
You’re NTA. These feelings are really common when needs aren’t met. You’re young, and this is a good learning experience in identifying emotions. Talk to your bf about these things, or break up and find someone you’re more compatible with, who will be consistent in the way you need.
Relationships and dating is not mandatory! If you are not happy, you can break up. Reason really has to be just that you don’t feel like dating this person right now. Being with someone that you don’t really love, or want to be with is bad as cheating. It just wastes everyones time and possibility to find something real.
Don’t date his friend, that would make you an ass.
NTA but also you’re 17, break up with the guy it isn’t working with. Relationships fade for a bunch of reasons (sometimes you legitimately just lose interest and it’s as simple as that), you do not need to waste your teen years dating a dude who doesn’t bring to the table the things you are looking for – hone the skill of honouring your needs while you are young, it’ll set you up to be a happy and healthy adult.
99.99999% of the men available in the world are not your ex-boyfriend’s best friend. You will meet a nice dude, but under no circumstances should you date your ex-boyfriend’s best friend.
YTA.
Break up with him now. Being single is not, the last I checked, a crime.
. . .
Edited judgement.
17 feels older and grown up bit you are still growing emotionally and learning all about yourself and the people around you. You get new views, find out what you like and dislike and learn life lessons. Growing apart, figuring out that the first persuasion is not the same as the relationship. Because you ha a crush on someone once does not mean you want that person you want that relationship the person has. And the good news is you can make that happen. You break up the one not working and find a new partner that has the things you want in a relationship. Break ups hurt even when you’re doing it. The first love feels like you will never feel that way again but I have a life lesson from an old lady: you can love someone new again
NTA for thinking about it, but let’s clear a few things up. First, the next time you think you can change someone, run head-first into a brick wall to knock that idea out of your mind. Second, cheating isn’t the only valid reason to break up. If you’re incompatible, stop wasting time -end it and don’t look back. Dating is not marriage.
NAH. You’re only 17. Relationships aren’t rock solid at 17, and you’ll both likely change and grow 3-4 more times in the decade to come. Better to break up now amicably and end it as friends
I say this in the nicest way possible….Cheating is NOT the only “real” reason to break up with someone. Other “real” reasons to break up with a partner when you’re in high school: You just no longer want to be with them.
You’re young. You’re boyfriend isn’t meeting your emotional needs. There is absolutely no reason that you MUST stay with him just because he hasn’t cheated on you. As others have said, the point of dating is to find someone that you’re compatible with and who meets your needs (emotional, physical, mentally, etc). You don’t have to settle for the first person that you date.
Overall I’d say NAH because you and your boyfriend are both young; you’re both still learning about who you are and what you want in relationships.