I (22f) am in graduate school in a different state than where I grew up. This semester my brother (19m) started at this school as a freshman. We live together off campus.
Our dad died when he was 8 and I was 11. Our mom (now 51f) was the best mom you could want – always there for us, supportive, making us feel like things would be ok after our dad passed.
However, since my brother moved out in August she has been acting out of character in disturbing ways. She has always been a home body but she has spent thousands of dollars going to random places alone. She is wearing stuff that honestly even I wouldn’t wear at my age. It’s really concerning but I haven’t said anything because I thought maybe it was just something temporary.
But the thing that has me really concerned is my brother FOUND HER ON HINGE! She never expressed any interest in dating and when I told her no stepdads she laughed and said we didn’t need to worry about that. It makes no sense that she’d suddenly start acting like this now at her age.
My brother thinks this is funny, but I told him it’s not at all and could be a sign of dementia or something since her behavior is so weird and unlike her. I said we should do something and he said that it’s not our business if “mom wants to get her p*ss wet.” I called him disgusting for saying that and he said I’m an asshole. So I am here on an alt since he follows my main to ask if I am the asshole for worrying about my mom’s drastic behavior change?
This isn’t an asshole situation but there is nothing wrong with your mom. She gets to be her the person now not the widow and Mom to two grieving children. She decided to totally put her life on hold until you and your brother were out of the house to avoid further disrupting your lives during your formative years. Stop stalking your mom and support her as she rediscovers who she is as a person.
Your mom has spent the last 11 years making sure her babies were well cared for and now she’s living it up. Is she hot? Is your mom rocking a body that can pull off those outfits? Is she making poor financial decisions that would be detrimental to her future? Or does she just have some free cash now that she doesn’t need to feed a 19yo boy?
YTA for trying to shut her down. You moved out 4-5 years ago. You’re in a different state. She’s allowed to date and enjoy life. Even if she DID find a new partner – why are you trying to keep her from being happy?
YTA. What age? 51 is an amazing age to date, to live, to have fun. After all these years of pouring her life into all of you, the least you could do is to be happy about her finally living her own life and doing things she missed out. Are you really so selfish that you want her to be miserable for the rest of her life? Grow up and get a life yourself.
Your brother is AH well for talking like that about your mom. She is not his sex-toys, but his mom. Have some respect. The fact she wants sex is just normal at her age. Any age, by the way.
>51 is an amazing age to date, to live, to have fun
Is it? I just want sleep, coffee and cake tbh.
Your mom is now able to live her best life and date freely since the kids are out of the house. She raised you. Let her have some fun. NAH.
YTA
She’s a grown woman. Let her live her life.
If it’s not hurting her, it shouldn’t be a problem.
YTA
Who do you think you are to tell your mom no step dads lol. You and your brother are grown and moving on to the next chapter in your lives, she’s doing the same. And after raising two kids on her own for 11 years, you’re disgustingly selfish if you think she doesn’t deserve that
No one is TA, but you’re going overboard imo. She’s been wife and then single mom for years. Now she has an empty nest and is allowing herself to have some fun, as is her right.
NAH but you’re hilarious. “She’s wearing sexy clothes and is on HINGE!! Oh noes!”
It’s not dementia. It’s FREEDOM. She finally doesn’t have to worry about protecting her kids, she can go have some fun. Your brother is TOTALLY correct. Leave her alone.
Also – she’s about the right age for perimenopause. About 10% of women in perimenopause have a significant increase in their sex drive. You seem uncomfortable seeing your mom as a whole person, but at 22 you are old enough to start seeing all of her, not just her mom persona.
You’re not ta because it seems you’re coming from a place of caring, but you need to grow up.
With respect it makes perfect sense. She has been alone for 11 years raising her children, making sure you were loved and protected, devoting herself to you but she is now alone, kids are gone and she wants some fun. Be grateful she put you first but you need to accept that she is a grown woman and has needs, did you expect her to sit home alone waiting for you to call?
Gently, YTA for suggesting dementia but I do understand it is a bit of a surprise
YTA. Honey… 51 IS NOT OLD!!! I’m 46 and if I weren’t married, I would so be out there, living my life to the fullest.
She waited until you and your brother were out the house. That’s all. (And that’s amazing of her). She let you two be the main focus – all her time, attention, and money went to raising you both. Now that you’re out of the house and on your own, she is FINALLY FREE TO LIVE HER LIFE!!
She’s alone now! You guys are gone! So she’s just supposed to sit at home alone forever? She wants company, she wants companionship, she wants a partner (or maybe she just wants to have some fun for once).
There is absolutely NOTHING wrong with that, and it’s completely normal. And she is young enough that she could completely start over with a new partner and live several decades with a new love of her life. Isn’t that amazing?! Don’t you WANT that for her?!?!
You think she has dementia?!?!? Honey, she’s just finally putting herself first, trying to build a life for herself after raising the two of you.
It is high time. HIGH TIME.
There is nothing wrong with your mom. There is nothing for you to do. Your brother is a little gross, but honestly… yeah. Maybe that IS what she wants to do. Why is that wrong? Let her. In fact, encourage her. Support her. Give her your blessing to go out there and get what she wants. After 22 years of taking care of you and your brother, she deserves all this and more.
Yeah, YTA and your mom is fine and your brother is right.
I’m going to say this as softly as possible: your mom was a good mom to you, but you never really knew her. She wasn’t a homebody, she was a single mother who was pouring her energy into taking care of two children while managing her grief. That’s *so much effort*. All of her vacation time and luxury budget probably went to taking care of you, and she wanted to make sure that you had a stable home life.
Now, for the first time, your brother has moved out of the house and she’s alone. She can do all of the things that she put off doing for the both of you. She can spend money on trips to cool and random places, she can buy sexy fashion that she put off wearing, she can go and look for someone to date without worrying that it’ll mess up your childhoods.
She’s probably going a bit overboard because she’s been repressing it for so long. Don’t be worried for her, be happy for her. Make sure to make time for her in your life so that she’s not lonely, and be like your brother and support her.
lol- You aren’t the asshole but you are woefully misinformed. Your mom put her life on hold to be your mom. She did her job and got you both to college and now it’s her time to be herself again…like before you were born and she became a homebody mom. If you say something, then you’d be the asshole.
OMG! She’s 51 and an empty nester! She raised two nice kids and now is her time to have some fun! Try to be supportive of her. She might NOT ever want to remarry – but it doesn’t mean she has to live her entire life alone with no adult companionship.