My best friend (31F) and I (30F) have been close for about a decade, since meeting in college. Lately, I’ve been re-evaluating some of my friendships and recognizing a pattern: I’m often the friend who is always available, even when that effort doesn’t feel fully reciprocated. I respond quickly to voice notes, make time during commutes, and show up whenever I can, but I sometimes feel taken for granted by my friends. Since she had her little one a year ago, I’ve offered support in every way I could think of such as babysitting, grocery runs, or simply being present even though I don’t have children myself. I truly love her child, have bought gifts even when money was tight, and genuinely enjoy spending time together. Her becoming a mother has never been an issue for me in the way it can be for others. More recently, she has repeatedly expressed that she wishes she had more “mom friends.” At first, this didn’t hurt me. I even went to her home and helped her download an app and set up a profile so she could meet other parents, understanding that there are experiences I can’t fully relate to. Over time, however, hearing this sentiment again and again has started to feel grating. I helped her find new friends, she now has them, yet the dissatisfaction remains. Hearing this repeatedly has begun to make me feel unappreciated, even though I understand why having friends in similar situations is important. I also find myself quietly wondering what enough actually looks like when it comes to support and connection. I’ve gone through an exceptionally difficult upbringing and significant hardship from a young age, I don’t expect the people in my life to have experienced the same difficulties I have in order for their support to matter. Yet it can feel isolating when repeated expressions of dissatisfaction overshadow the ways I’ve consistently shown up. I may also feel additional frustration because, in a recent conversation, she mentioned having attended an extravagant and expensive event surrounded by other mothers, and she felt everyone else "had a village" and she does not (despite having significant family help, and I always offer). Coming from an underprivileged background, and knowing I will likely never have access to experiences like the six-figure wedding she had, those comparisons are difficult for me to hear because it seems like gold v.s. marble (both are nice imo). While I genuinely empathize with how difficult motherhood can be, it can also feel isolating to be the only one without kids, while your friends are seeking new, or "better" people. Over time, this has left me feeling conflicted and emotionally fatigued. The more I hear these complaints, the less appreciated I feel especially considering how much I’ve offered. It’s also difficult because she complains endlessly about being a mom, but is now pregnant again and can feel a bit like martyrdom at times. AITA for being hurt by this dynamic and wanting to pull back?
NTA, this sounds exhausting and honestly pretty one-sided. You’ve been bending over backwards to support her and she’s still constantly complaining about not having the “right” kind of friends while you’re literally right there doing all the work
The fact that she’s complaining about not having a village while you’re actively being her village is pretty telling. Sometimes people get so caught up in what they think they need that they completely overlook what they already have
NTA but I would communicate these feelings to her instead of just pulling back. It could be something as simple as “I want to support you the best I can and feel that I’ve done a lot to help you with these issues you keep bringing up, but I don’t know if I’m the best person to vent these problems to and feel like my efforts are being dismissed by some of your comments.”
NTA and I think you and your friend may need to talk to a therapist (separately, of course). You don’t have to stay in that friendship.
Honestly this wall of text is almost impossible to comprehend.
You want to pull back because she wanted and then found friends who were also mothers?
Is that seriously all she’s done?
It sounds like you’re angry she doesn’t constantly thank you and worship the ground on which you walk.
NAH. I don’t get the immediate impression that her comments are a dig at you specifically, and just sounds like complaining for the sake of complaining. However you definitely aren’t an asshole for feeling hurt by it.
I’d honestly just talk to her about it, “Hey, I don’t want to make this about me, but when you say things like that it kinda makes me feel like you don’t appreciate the help I offer.”
NOBODY SUCKS HERE. It is completely understandable why you feel this way as I have also been in a similar situation. However she has also done nothing wrong and likely does not relise you feel this way. The important thing here is communication. Next time you feel this way make sure to let her know how it makes you feel and exactly what she did to make you feel this way.
You should have more than one close friend, so it is easier to downgrade one when appropriate. It is now appropriate. NTA
She won’t know you feel unvalued unless you tell her
NTA, but you should talk to her about it.
I have a friend whose parts paid for kids sports, took them to practices a few times a week, and babysat when asked, and she complained about them not being interested in her kids. I think it’s kind of natural to compare yourself to people who have more, rather than those that have less, and it might be good to remind her
Frankly, it sounds like she’s unhappy or dissatisfied with life, and is looking externally for reasons.
NAH.
You’re a good friend, she sees you as a safe space to vent. But let her know that this is upsetting you. If she’s a good friend she’ll understand.
I’m a Mum and I love my friends who don’t have children (either at all or the same age as mine) just like I love my ‘mum friends.’ However, they are different species and serve different needs.
Seeing your children play together while you just chat parenting really soothes the soul. Hearing someone else whinge about something you’ve been afraid to confide to someone about and realising that you’re not the only one struggling!
In a village there are loads of different roles. You have your role and I bet it’s really appreciated. But she misses the ones who haven’t appeared yet and that’s absolutely valid.
She may not realize she sounds so ungrateful, so telling her that is a reasonable approach, imo. And if there is no attention to the behavior, in regards to improvement, maybe she’ll realize what she’s missing when you decide to show up less. Honestly, I wouldn’t want such a draining friendship either.