My son (M) age 12, is with me 95% of the time since he was a toddler. No custody agreement, no child support agreement (we do it on our own, less than what the state would require). His dad has always chose to work a career that requires significant travel & is gone for weeks. Throughout the year he may be home for a week or 2 but that is few. My son may see him a day or 2 twice a month. His dad & I used to have somewhat good communication, however, that has changed in recent years. He’s married with other children now. When my son is playing sports I try to remember to send his dad pics, videos, etc. since he’s not there. He doesn’t ask for them but I try to make a conscious effort to send them. My messages are met with silence, no reply. He also doesn’t contact me to see how his son is doing in school, how his behavior is, what he’s involved in, you get the picture. The only time I hear from him is when he knows he’s going to be home & would like to get our son (usually a day or 2 notice) It’s frustrating but I’ve accepted it over the years. I raise my son alone & his dad pops in & out. My son lives with all women (my daughters & I). I try to get him involved in activities that allow him to be around the guys & have strong male mentors consistently in his life. I’m already involved in the travel sports world so when this opportunity came along, I knew the demand. This program is not as demanding as others. This is my son’s favorite sport & he’s always sad when the school season is over so I thought it was the best opportunity to keep him involved. So I signed him up. I didn’t think twice. I already knew the weight would be on my shoulders to get him to practices, take him to tournaments etc. It was a great opportunity & I can make it happen so I did it.
I text his dad telling him about it. 7 days later I reply to my original text saying “You haven’t replied to this” to which his response was he wants to support our son, but we should have talked about it first, that I was “volunteering” him for quite a bit of money & that I’m imposing on his time with our son. He also said “I also have other children & a family now so plan making involves them as well & isn’t as easy as it was in the past”. He’s definitely upset with me, which I could understand if he was at least home every week & took interest & initiative in his son’s life. I asked him to contribute 2 of the large equipment items, the rest I figured out. I also didn’t demand it happen immediately, I found some loaner equipment until he was able to get it. I didn’t think a couple of weekend practices which is normal when kids get older, would wreck his plans. I’ve always been the one to take my son to practices, games, or workouts.
NTA if this dude wants to parent the opportunity has been available for twelve years and he’s been happy to let you handle it. However given the shift in tone over time it may be good to formalize custody/support (even though it doesn’t sound like you need the money) as you don’t want to risk him wasting the court’s time saying you’re trying to keep him from his son.
NTA. Your ex is barely involved in his kid’s life and has no business interfering when you are doing things for his growth and happiness. Your ex’s other kids are not your issue. If your ex is going to make a stink about providing marginally for his kid, it might be time to go to court and have his support formalized, especially if he hasn’t been paying what your son is owed. The money is meant for your son, so he’s robbing Peter (your son) to pay Paul (his other family).
Yes, I’ve already set the expectation that either we need to reevaluate per state guidelines or have it formally done through the state. Im not going to play the game of asking for extra things and it being a huge deal. If it’s reevaluated fairly then I will not be asking for anything “extra”.
Why are you even texting him at all? He doesnt give a crap. At this point its embarrassing. If he wants to know he will text. Also go get child support for your kid. The money isn’t for you its for your son. Youre negligent if you don’t.
And sending videos of the kid to a parent who doesn’t give a fuck. Yikes.
NTA but I’m surprised you expected his financial support. I’m also surprised you don’t have a child support agreement through the courts?
We’ve always had an agreement that he has followed through on, however, it has not been reevaluated for years. I’ve never asked for extra on top of our agreement until now. A reevaluation is needed and I’ve already communicated that to him.
But it’s less than the state would require, meaning your son isn’t actually getting the support he should, right?
The only thing I can really advise is that it’s time to get a custody agreement. This is exactly why they exist. Overall NTA, you guys don’t have an agreement, you don’t have to schedule your/your sons life around someone who is not a consistent presence and can’t be bothered to give more than a couple’s days notice before popping in. Tbh it’s probably somewhat normal for your son by now but having consistency is important for childhood development especially when it comes parental relationships. Allowing the fathers sporadic visitations could turn into attachment and romantic relationship issues down the line. We tend to recreate the relationships that feel familiar to us as we get older. I’m by no means calling you a bad parent just that it’s something I think we tend to overlook because we think some relationship with the parent is better than none but that’s not always the case.
NTA. I think if this is something that makes your son happy and something HE wants to do that’s all that matters. This could also be a sign of your son picking up on his father’s tendencies to pop in & out as you said and him just drawing back a little in that relationship on his own. Coming from a kid who had a parent exactly like this, we clock that shit pretty quick and learn to appreciate those who truly support our happiness. Sounds like you’re doing great mom !!
NTA. As a boy who was raised by my mom and rarely saw my father as well, the continuous sports I was involved in not only kept me out of trouble, but, also gave me the opportunity to have other dads/coaches become my mentors. I loved my dad, but the other relationships I had growing up, are what have made me the man I am today. My lack of relationship with my father, is also why I make sure to be included in every single aspect of my three sons. I don’t care how many things my wife signs my boys up for, I make time for it all.
Get a lawyer & have a custody & child support plan put in place.
NTA
NTA.
Stop being so accommodating to someone who appears to not care about his own son unless it’s convenient for him.
I am curious as to if your message to him about you signing up your son for the travel team made any indication about the cost. That seems to be his focus, what it takes from him, not what it gives to your son.
The real question is why are you accepting less from a man? Especially less than what the state would require?