I (24M) have a friend (26M). We are both artists
For some context: being a big artist and connecting with other artists has always been a dream. I have a somewhat relevant presence on social media, not famous but I do have some active following and visibility.
My friend has always struggled to get attention or grow a following online. We’ve been close friends for a long time and he is part of my Discord server, which is a space where my friends and some fans interact. A large portion of his current following comes either from that server or from times I’ve boosted his work on Twitter. Many of his artists contacts came through me as well, some he met in my server and other because he noticed bigger artists interacting with me and then he went out of his way to het their attention (Spamming likes or even DMing them directly)
Over time, this started to make me uncomfortable and he knew. It feels like he’s constantly "Behind" me. On top of that we’ve had some social issues
He would often tell me things like, "Oh I joined this server with popular artists" or "I’m talking to \[Artist you like\]". But whenever I asked if I could join that server or be introduced to those people he would refuse saying things like "That server is too much for you" or other vague excuses
A few months ago, someone else invited me to a server. Coincidentally my friend was already in it. The server was nice, I shared my art and met new people. About a week after I joined my friend told me "I hate \[Person who invited you\] because I liked having a server where I didn’t know anyone" and "I’m introverted and don’t want my friends following me 24/7"
Because of that I left the server, he then told me I didn’t have to leave and that he didn’t want to make me upset but I just igored it
Recently I told him about an artist I really like. He responded by telling me that he talks to that artist but made it clear he had no intention of introducing us. I know he doesn’t have the obligation to but at this point that was just the drop that spilled the glass.
I finally told him how strange it felt that he was so deeply involved in my life knowing my friends, being active in my server and interacting with my community while at the same time keeping his spaces and connections closed off to me. I also mentioned that it felt inconsistent for him to say he didn’t want to be in spaces with people he knew while being present in a space I share with my friends and audience
After that conversation he left my server
AITA for feeling uncomfortable about this dynamic and expressing it even though it led to him leaving my server?
The art world is tough to break into, let alone having a friend block you. That’s not a friend. NTA
INFO: What have you lost of value with his departure? It sounds like you found his presence irritating. Is he really a friend? Or do you feel like he was using you to make connections but was unwilling to return the favor?
Well, after all it’s a long time friendhsip, one of my oldest and we have been close besides those attitudes, we have trusted a lot of stuff to each other. I don’t want to feel used because of all this but I still do
I am a musician and have had one extremely similar experience in the past, with a slightly younger musician who was very competitive and envious about any of my work. Eventually I had to cut him off as a friend, because I could see that he genuinely did not want the best for me.
What your friend did sounds extremely inconsistent and selfish and hypocritical, and from what it sounds like, it would be important to sever that connection. Pls DM if you’d like.
This is called gatekeeping, my fellow child in the universe.
I write (I’m okay but improving) & we have networks as well.
From time to time, someone will enter our sphere who behaves like this. They want your resources & exposure, but won’t share anything they’ve learned or been given.
We ice them out. Did I mention writers can absolutely flay the hide from a body with words?
Bless & release. You lost nothing, just a sucking orifice on the backside of the world.
Good luck in your craft.
NTA in the slightest. That person sound exhausting to be around over time.
It sounds like jealousy in some aspects, which I never personally understood as an attist myself as best part about being an artist is introducing more artist to each other and connecting in that creativity.
The push to be successful at the cost of friendship is a dangerous and real thing I see often myself in the art world, and your friend might be caught up in that mindset that every new person to meet is someone to use to gain momentum and popularity.
Not to mention deciding what is or is not too much for you, despite you are an individual while almost bragging that he has these connections and you dont. Then to turn around, throw insult tonyour gave aboutnthe person who did something nice to invite you to a server making you uncomfortable that it felt easier to leave is not very nice.
For someone who is so introverted, they conviently know people which may be a lie or could be truth. Either way, it comes back to compete against you.
In the end, the relationship sounded to be dying when friendship became less of a piority of competition. They may build up and audience and gain a following but at the cost of what?
You may have lost this person as a friend but not because you did anything wrong, but because an unspoken competition formed.
Really sucks how it left off and hopefully tour able to meet a few new people soon and find a spot more comfortable without this person involvement.
ETA: grammar and spelling.
NTA I think it would be understandable if he wanted to have separate friend groups, or spaces where he felt he was venturing alone into somewhere new, but the fact that he specifically brings up artists that he’s met or places he’s joined while making it clear that he won’t introduce you to them, even going so far as to say it would be “too much for you” demonstrates that part of what he wants is to let you know that he has access to places and people you don’t while looking down on you, telling you that you couldn’t even handle them.
His motivation in that aspect isn’t pure at all. If he just went and did his own thing without saying anything he wouldn’t be being generous, but it could be because he really wanted his own spaces and new interactions independent from you and other friends — but to specifically bring up and rub your face in everything is a choice and behavior in itself — one that shows that he is trying to present himself as bigger and superior to you.
NTA He’s not your friend, he’s your competitor. Stop trying to reason with him. Just move on.