I (34f) have struggled with clinical depression my whole life. I work at a childcare center and it’s fucking rough. I feel completely hopeless about the future. Every day, I give every thing I have to those kids and it doesn’t matter at all. The past couple of years have been so difficult for me emotionally, mentally, and physically. Most days, it’s impossible for me to do literally anything after work. I have to do all of my house chores on weekends.
Today, I’m not “physically” ill. However, the past two weeks have been especially difficult at work. In order to keep myself from having a mental breakdown, I stayed home from work. I truly completely do not feel good and my husband is completely aware of this.
My husband came home from work today and was irritated that I didn’t do any housework. Honestly, I didn’t do anything. Last week he told me that he wasn’t happy that I didn’t do anything on Saturday and I understand that. We both work and we share the responsibilities at home. However, I wasn’t supposed to have today off and I needed to rest, so I didn’t do anything and plan to do chores tomorrow and on Sunday (my usual days off). Last night, he suggested that I should sort through my things in the basement “when I get bored” today. I know that he wanted me to get that done today, but I didn’t feel bored at any point today.
He knows how much I struggle with my mental health. He gets annoyed by my depression because he can’t understand and he can’t fix it. He says he’s tired of me whining. And honestly, it makes sense. I’ve been talking about how I don’t want to be on this planet since we met. I’ve had to stop going to psychotherapy because we can’t afford it. I see a psychiatrist and take medication, but it doesn’t really seem to make a difference. Sometimes I think that I am just lazy.
So anyway, am I the asshole for bedrotting today?
NTA. Is bedrotting always the best way to deal with depression? As someone who has been known to do it, it’s really not but sometimes it’s all you can do. Is doing housework the best way to deal with depression? Absolutely not, idk how you even do that. You took a sick day to care for your health – it just happens to be mental instead of physical. You didn’t take it to clean. I think your husband needs to be more understanding of what you are going through because it’s not laziness for the sake of laziness or out of spite.
“Sort through things in the basement if you’re bored”?? Da fuck. Sounds like busy work that managers try to give employees when they see them standing around for even just a second.
Fuck that.
We all need rest.
NTA – I think depression is really hard for a lot of people to understand. We can all imagine what it must be like to have a stomach ache. Or to even receive a cancer diagnosis. But for people who’ve always had healthy minds, depression and other mental illnesses are just something they can’t imagine. It’s hard, if not impossible for them to put themselves in your shoes.
You need to talk to your psychiatrist and try changing medications. There are a myriad of medications for depression. And what works for you will not be the same as what works for someone else. And your needs may change over time too. But you need to get help right away.
And your husband needs to be more understanding. Even if he can’t imagine it himself.
My cousin had some testing done to see which medications work best for her depression. I don’t know if insurance pays for it or not but I have bad depression and am going to look into it myself.
“Every day, I give every thing I have to those kids and it doesn’t matter at all.”
This made me really sad. You care for those children, you supervise them, educate them, a littles keep them happy, keep them alive, socialized, and occupied. It’s exhausting, and their families couldn’t operate with you doing your job. Which is another big point, it’s your job, one you applied for, and it pays you.
So it actually matters a lot.
You don’t seem to be doing much to deal with your depression, or at least it’s not mentioned in the post. Do you have a psych? Are you looking at meds?
I don’t agree with your husband’s perspective, but I will say that it must be maddening trying to be married and have a life with someone who doesn’t necessarily even want to be alive.
You’re not a bad person for bed rotting today, but you need to eventually start getting on top of things. For your own sake, and for everyone around you, because you’re depression is consuming you, and not just you, everyone.
So yeah, sorry, YTA in this situation
NTA if you’ve had this condition since you met, and well before you married, he signed up for this. Also, sorting thru basement stuff isn’t time sensitive, and chores that are normally done on the weekend don’t need to be done Friday. Sounds like he’s unfairly resentful that you took a sick day, but that’s what they’re for, to help maintain physical and mental health.
NTA. Best advice I ever got about my own struggles with depression, or when not depressed but feeling burnt out and exhausted was every days 100% isn’t going to be equal. Some days your “100%” might be 0, 20, 60%. People are not machines and you sound burned out. Doing 0% recharges your batteries to give more another day. BF should not make you feel guilty.
Another aside: you have more impact on those kids than you realize, it may not be visible to you though and that’s oaky.
NTA. I’m sorry your husband isn’t able to empathize with you. As someone with clinical depression, I see you, and days like the one you took are so needed. I hope you’re able to find a path of communication with your husband for your future needs. Best of luck.
NTA. Your next post should be asking for divorce attorney referrals.
Speak to your Dr about adjusting your medication
NTA. It’s sounds like therapy needs to be worked back into the budget. I’m sympathetic as I have many friends and family with depression. The way you describe your job and other things makes me think that whatever you’re doing to treat your depression isn’t enough. I’m not at all a professional, but this is what I see in what you wrote. Hugs.
Not an asshole. Depression isn’t boredom and you didn’t stay home to be productive. Not my place to say but I think you should consider a new job. I’m sure you’re good at it but caregiver fatigue is likely making your depression worse
NTA. Sounds like he might have caregiver fatigue though.
If I had a husband like yours, I’d be depressed, too. You need to change jobs but you might need to change spouses as well.
NTA