I (41F) married my husband (41M) got married in August of 2021. At the same time, my oldest daughter and middle daughter were living with my ex. My oldest convinced a bunch of people that her step mom was abusing them, and while planning a wedding, I also had to file a custody hearing and an HRO (Harassment Order). My mother (62F) paid for the lawyer for all of this.
Things had/have been tough. My husband is a giant, loud man and has a bit of a temper. He has never hurt me or my children and I truly believe he never would.
My oldest graduated from high school, and we got her to get her driver’s permit and a job. She refused to drive with my husband due to said temper. He’s scarey I get that. So recently, she started getting sick and calling in to work. We’ve been getting on her to get a better job so she could move out properly into her own space. I even offered to go back to call center work and would get a job with her, but she refused. A few weeks ago, she was having issues and couldn’t get a ride to work. We’re in MN, it was in the negatives around then, hubby and I both work 8-6 jobs, so we couldn’t take her. She ends up calling my mom and telling her this whole big story about how she is afraid of my husband and wants to move out. Instead of talking to us, she packed half her stuff and left with my mom. Now, we had talked at Thanksgiving and had told her (myself, my hubby, and parents) that she could move in with my parents, that’s not the problem. The problem is how she did it. To up and leave like that was extremely rude. My husband has even said he is mad at how she left, not that she left. We’re all a bit peeved at her because she is lying to my parents about how my husband treats them.
Now, where I may be the AH: I immediately attacked my parents on this and yelled at them for taking her the way they did. I think a conversation needed to happen. Now she is thinking that everything is ok and is upset that no one wants to really talk to her. At this point my husband just wants her to pick up her stuff, but she refuses to go near him even after many many times of telling her he’s not mad at her and hell the day before she moved out they all of them were playing in the kitchen and laughing and being fine, so for her to lie and say that my husband is scarey is absolute crap. I told her yesterday that she needs to take responsibility for what she is doing and to stop acting like she is/was being hurt when she never has been.
My husband loves me and loves these kids like his own, and it breaks his heart that she is doing this to him. IDK what else to do?
YTA. She is an adult, she doesn’t have to live with you and her husband if she doesn’t want to. Doesn’t matter if it’s “rude” or not. Your husband scares her, and if he didn’t want her to leave, he should have worked to improve their relationship while she still lived with you and him. Your children are not your property, and you have to earn a relationship with them, especially once they are adults.
YTA
“He’s big and loud and has a temper. He’s scary, I get that”…. But at the same time you are saying he isn’t scary. You sound like someone in an abusive relationship trying to cover up the truth. If you do this with your children, it’s no wonder they want to get away.
Sounds like that “He dosen’t hit us so its not abuse” bs
OP said in a comment that she goes and hides in the bedroom when he starts yelling.
YTA. Its not your children’s fault that theyre scared of him. Its his fault. What you think is irrelevant.
Your children are scared of a man YOU brought into their lives. They have vocalise their fear a number of times. They do not feel safe in your home. And you still have the audacity to blame them when 100% of the blame for them moving out is on you and your husband? What is wrong with you?
YTA. It sounds like your husband is actually abusive. Living in fear of his temper IS abuse. Sounds like your daughter is scared of him, with reason, and you simply refuse to see her perspective on it.
Most people who successfully get out of abuse do so secretly. It’s the SMART way to do it.
Holy smokes, YTA.
You admit that your husband is “huge, loud, and scary” and that his temper is so bad that you agree with your daughter’s decision not to drive in a car with him. That’s already an emotionally abusive environment, so I’m not sure why you’re so dismissive of the idea that your daughter doesn’t want to be around him. Hell, *I* don’t want to be around him and all the context I have is a post written by someone heavily biased toward him.
Just because you choose to accept a life with this person doesn’t mean your daughter has to. If you want your daughter to treat you with kindness and respect, you need to treat her that way. If you want your daughter to choose to be around you, the onus is on you to be a person who’s safe and pleasant to be around. Same goes for your husband.
\>My oldest convinced a bunch of people that her step mom was abusing them
\>My husband is a giant, loud man and has a bit of a temper.
\>She refused to drive with my husband due to said temper. He’s scarey I get that.
It sounds like you and your ex-husband prioritized your partners over your children’s well-being. Thank god they have grandparents they can turn to. YTA.
Actually, I just realized that you’ve trapped your younger daughter with him and will likely browbeat her into accepting your new husband’s behavior as “that’s just what he’s like.” I hope she can escape soon, too.
You know, this is one of those posts that gets worse with each reread.
My mother refused to acknowledge my step father’s cruelty towards me. I’m not necessarily assuming you’re an AH, but please don’t dismiss your daughter just because you’ve never seen toxic behavior from your husband.
So your husband is loud and big and scary and has a temper.
And he and you have been pressuring her to move out.
So she moves out.
And you’re upset?! Why? You got exactly what you and he wanted. And she is NOT lying about your husband being scary.
The only problem here is you and your husband allowing him to lose his temper and scaring your kids.
>My husband is a giant, loud man and has a bit of a temper
>She refused go drive with my husband due to said temper. He’s scarey I get that.
>she refuses to go near him
Have you considered that maybe she actually is afraid of him and that you don’t know everything that goes on? YTA
YTA and an enabler. Yelling is scary. Men who yell at teenage girls are scary. If he can’t have a conversation without yelling and being scary, then he’s being an abusive fuck.
“It breaks my heart that she’s doing this to him” get the fuck out of here. fuck her and her shitty husband.
YTA. There is not much more disgusting than a mother who doesn’t believe her children and loves them less than her spouse.