Ok so I need advice. I’m a 37F engaged to 40M. We have been together almost 10 years. I will try to keep this short as possible. My sister in law to be went through my phone and found messages of me venting to my sister about my fiance and some of his relatives. She showed him the messages and now things are just very awkward between us all. I did apologize to my fiance and his sister in the phone but we are yet to speak face to face about it.
I am aware things will never be the same again as some of the messages were quite unfiltered but they were all true. No one else was supposed to see them and I forgot to delete them. Some of the messages were about how I’m going to break things off with him due to some behavior traits I have brought up and some past events that he continues to gaslight me about including him cheating on me emotionally….anyway there are so many things that have happened and I have previously tried to end things with him but he always promised things would improve. Some things have, some haven’t.
Anyway I vented on Whatsapp to my sister and we said some mean things and now my fiance thinks he doesn’t know me anymore… honestly I feel bad for those messages but at the same time I can’t help thinking it was overdue for us to address some underlying issues and he won’t discuss anything. Even before he saw the messages he has always sw issues under the rug and this seems to be a pattern in their family.All he keeps saying is he doesn’t care but his sister is a different story. And he says it as if I’m in trouble with his sister and I better start sucking up if I want to be accepted by her.
There is so much nuance to my story and I’m afraid to go into too much detail because so much happened in our relationship that led to my venting and my sister is the only one I can vent to. I avoid sharing relationship issues with friends. Please help…. What’s the point if we can’t address the build up to my venting. Also why did they go through my phone??? I feel I deserve an apology from them for going through my messages and phone behind my back. Am I the AH here?
If you can’t discuss issues now or before, you won’t be able to do it later. And trust me, it builds up a lot to a point where after few years, it can be hell.
Come clean on major points that you must address with him prior to marriage. If he can’t handle it now, he can’t handle it later.
NTA
You have every right to vent about your relationship.
Yes you deserve an apology but I don’t think it helps to demand one.
I think you should stand your ground here. Basically tell your in-laws, “I’m not going to apologize for having a private conversation with my family.” Then hold your head high and let them be the awkward ones.
YTA for staying with him when you clearly have a problematic relationship already. Now him and his sister massively violated your privacy and then got mad cuz you told your sister the truth. Wtf? Please, find your backbone and your self respect and gtfo this toxic af relationship!
Edit: thank you for the award
I had to stop reading at, “ My fiancée and his sister went through my phone because I knew op was the asshole for still calling him her fiancée.
He’d be my kicked in the ass by the door ex fiancée the minute I knew this. YTA, op, because you are allowing yourself to be totally disrespected, and you privacy invaded. I’m worried for you. Please see sense and leave this man. Xx
this, how many red flags do you need to see before you leave?
I had to go back twice to check the ages and timeline, a ten year relationship and decidedly knocking on middle aged territory and yet this reads like the stupid shit that teenagers do.
OP is TA to herself get shot of this man,his toxic sister and go get a grown up.
Get out of this situation because this is not how a relationship should feel like.
P.S: Thank you for the award, Kind Redditor!
You are the wronged party. You’ve been putting up with infidelity and communication issues for 10 years. It’s beyond me why you would deign to marry such a person.
Your SIL had absolutely no right to go through your phone. It’s a major intrusion and should not be forgiven. Ever. She should be sucking up to you.
I hope you leave these idiots in the past where they belong and then you won’t have to offload on your sister.
This. And after SIL to be went through OPs phone, finance should have stood up for her and against that violation of privacy, not go along with it.
It is perfectly fine for you to vent to a safe person; your sister.
The fact that you don’t lead with “this #%@# went through my phone and feels justified. I’m done” mystifies me.
No, my dear, you are NTA. Please find someone who respects you.
Did you seriously ask for forgiveness for venting to your sister? WHHHYYYYY??? You should have demanded an apology from them for going through your phone.
It’s not their business to police your thoughts and feelings and if you choose to express those feelings to your sister – that’s ALSO not their business.
The fact that you’re even asking if you’re the AH makes me worried you’ve been emotionally abused or manipulated by him/them for so long that you may never realize it and get out.
You have an expectation of privacy when communicating PRIVATELY with friends and family. His sister betrayed that. And he betrayed that when he sought an apology from you rather than getting one for you from his sister.
Why are so many people on these AITA threads like, “my partner is a serial killer who specifically murders underprivileged orphans, but I don’t know, AITA??”
INFO:
You said you were already planning on breaking up with him. So what’s the dilemma here?
Thank you all for the lovely advice, both harsh truths and those that sympathize. I’m glad to say that shortly after posting this I got a call from a company I applied at and interviewed with in January and I got the job with them which means I will finally be able to walk away from this childish relationship. One of the issues that stopped me being able to just walk away was the fact that I’m currently financially dependent on him.
I have already secured a place to stay temporarily with my kids until I have worked at least three months to afford rent and deposit for a new place so I will be moving out at the end of March. Thank you all again.