So a bit of background: my fiancé & I moved into my dads house a few months ago in order to save up some money/change career paths for both of us. I’m planning on going back to school, he’s trying to get into the fire department. My dad doesn’t charge us a single thing- no rent, no utilities, no food. He just wants us to be able to save up and has not put a time limit on how long we can stay either. Living here obviously has its own challenges and has put some stress on my fiancé, but I try to always talk through the stress with him & make sure he’s good. I’ve also offered to move out ASAP with him, but he wants to save up some money and get our life on the right track.
I am currently unemployed but just got a job (woohoo!) at a grocery store because of my dad- he’s a vendor and goes to a bunch of stores to deliver so he knows a lot of people. He basically got this job for me bc I was struggling to find something (job market is awful).
My fiancé was working a remote job but got laid off out of nowhere last week- he was super upset by this obviously, and I feel like maybe a little embarrassed too even though it really wasn’t his fault. I asked his permission to tell my dad when he got laid off and told him my reasoning: if my dad knew what happened, he would probably be more motivated to help find him a job faster. My fiancé agreed to this and thought it was best to be honest.
Fast forward to today, we were talking to my dad about jobs & our future plans. I brought up that my fiancé got laid off last week and we might need his help finding him a job ASAP if he knew of anyone looking for help. My dad was not mad or anything and comforted my fiancé, telling him that it’s okay and it happens a lot when you work for a big corporation. He also said he was going to talk to one of his stores tomorrow to see if they were still hiring for him.
After we got back in our room my fiancé proceeds to tell me how pissed he is and how he doesn’t want to be around me. I was obviously confused and left the room (he told me to leave) and he started texting me about how I was wrong for telling my dad what happened and how I have no regard for his comfortability. I was confused because I already asked his permission to tell my family- and he gave me the permission to do it. I thought I was doing a good/acceptable thing asking for help. I didn’t think I was crossing any boundaries because i previously asked his permission.
He’s now super pissed at me, called me a “nuisance”, told me to stop offering to help him because I’m “just a little gossip”, and some other kind of hurtful things. Now idk, I thought it was okay to bring up because I asked beforehand but am I really the asshole?
NTA.
As you said, you asked his permission first and he agreed, so in no way are you a gossip or a nuisance. Your fiance may not have expected such a strong response of help from your father. It could be that he isn’t in such a hurry to find a job, and doesn’t want to feel obliged to take whatever job your dad might find for him.
Since you guys are getting everything for free from your dad, your fiance might not feel that motivated to earn money. Are you sure he was “laid off?” Is it possible he quit, or got fired for not doing his remote job properly?
NTA. He might be embarrassed but that doesn’t excuse the way he spoke to you.
NTA – you asked for permission beforehand and was told it was okay. His reaction doesnt really make sense and i think you need to have another conversation with him once he’s cooled down. Remind him that you asked for permission, and had no intention to embarrass him but id have a conversation on his communication and how he handled the situation. It was inappropriate of him to immediately try and hurt your feelings
He sounds like a big baby lol. I get he’s having a hard time but taking it out on you is shitty and counterproductive.
This would be a deal breaker for me…and he would be gone.
Firstly, you have an amazing dad and you guys are blessed to have him in your life. Second, why the hell did he get mad?! There’s nothing wrong with telling people you got laid off, it’s life, happens all the time and everywhere. I think maybe he just wants to look the best and come off the best as possible to your father possibly out of a respect thing, I don’t really know but mann that was childish and rude of him to act like that towards you. Times are tough and can get rough but you’re NTA and you have an awesome father.
Thank you for your response!! I am so incredibly grateful to my dad & I tell him all the time how fantastic he is😊 I’m very proud to call him my dad. And I feel like it’s maybe stemming from embarrassment and it’s possible he feels like by me offering to help him it’s rlly just micromanaging (not my intention but it could be coming across that way from what I’ve seen online). But I thought a way of mitigating that feeling would be asking for his permission🤷🏻♀️ idk it’s all confusing
NTA. You obviously asked for permission to tell your dad (the only person besides you who knows, btw) in case times got tough for both. And he wasn’t even shamed by your dad, plus he was even told he would get a faster opportunity to find a job. Some people would KILL for a better opportunity to even find a job. I don’t get where the ‘gossip’ part he is mentioning, he is being SUPPORTED through tough times.
If it WAS gossip, a LOT more people would know. Not just you and your dad. NTA, he should apologize.
NTA. You didn’t give your ages so I assume both of you are fairly young.
His ego took a hit and now you’re the bad guy. This is very, very immature of him.
Please don’t be too eager to get married to him until he grows up some.
Your dad is trying to help without being judgmental. You were right to ask dad about job openings. There is no progress. I’m unless there is financial stability. Good luck to you.
Wow, biting the hand that literally feeds him. Dump his ass. I say this is a parent of a youngest person and I would give them the same advice.
NTA – *told me to stop offering to help him because I’m “just a little gossip”*
Tell your fiance that you accept his terms and that he has to move out. I mean, it is your family that is literally helping him out right now, yeah? So make an honest man out of him and toss him out and tell him to do it on his own.
Your fiance is the real AH here. He gets stressed because your dad has offered you a golden ticket and yet that’s not good enough in the moment for your fiance. I would really re-think marrying this guy. You are looking at a window in time as to what your future is going to bring.
You specifically asked your bf about sharing the news, and he agreed that you could do so.
He has no business going off on you for doing something he specifically approved.
You are absolutely NTA.
ps> You now know that he has no problem putting you on blast as a “nuisance” and “gossip”. What you do with that information is up to you…but you should probably give it some thought before talking with him about it.
NTA. This is a huge red flag with your BF. This is how he handles stress. Is this how you want to live life? Being verbally abused?
NTA but I think I get where he’s coming from. He’s living in your dad’s house and he’s reliant on your family and that might be a serious blow to his ego. He should ideally have been the one to tell your dad. And then your dad willingly offers to help get him a job, which is nice, but kind of denigrating. I think the issue might be “Daddy comes to the rescue”. You are being his mom.